A Dog in the House of God

As I sit in my flight back from California, I think of last night as the new guy and I said goodnight.

It has been so long since I’ve been on a date. It has been so long since I’ve had a man look at me the way he did. It has felt like an eternity since my heart has felt like maybe I could hope.

The last guy did such a number on me. The compilation of men in my life continued to wear me down until the last one just broke me. To ask both my father and my pastor for the right to date me, tell me he loved me multiple times even when I confessed my biggest mistake, but then sneak around behind my back and secretly entertain multiple other women while he knew I was being exclusive for him broke me.

As we said goodbye I couldn’t do anything but pray for him as we held hands over his heart. As I prayed I asked God to break things off if it was not His Will we be together but if so, to show this man his blueprints and give him strength and wisdom to go about building the foundation for us.

During the prayer though I poured out my heart in terms of asking God to help me believe that He could have good things for me because so often I feel I am a dog in His house. It wasn’t until I said those words that I felt the deep truth of it.

I feel like an imposter. Not a Child of the King, but a dog. Unwanted, mangy scrap. I am obedient and follow His rules so by principal He lives up to the promises set forth in His Word when we live by them but I have not felt in such a very long time like His beloved child.

I know He saved me from many bad situations with guys; sadly the vast majority of them being guys in the church. I know I should be happy and grateful for it but so often I just feel ugly, unwanted, unworthy, unnoticed, unprotected.

But this man… He looks at me with a very similar look that the guy who wasn’t in church did. His patience with me on our hikes even though he’s much more fit is sweet. His simple “you’re worth it” when I thanked him for driving 75 mins each way to come get me to drive another 60 mins to hang out in the biggest local city rang with a sincerity that still brings tears to my eyes as I type this.

I so deeply want to hope but I’m not fully ready yet. I need him to be steady with his attention. To pace himself with me because too often guys have flown into my life and just as quickly disappeared.

In the mean time, I seek to learn to feel different with regards to God. To learn to take my place as His child. To take up the crown He’s given me and use it to make a positive difference in this world.

Learning to be His Child,
Rebekah M


I tried to tell him tonight about just how badly guys in the church have hurt me in the past and instead ended up just crying and hiding in my sweatshirt.

I finally was able to just wipe the tears away and we changed the subject but I just…  It floors me that he could be real.  I have been SO duped by guys who claim Christ and yet have portrayed very little of Him when interacting with me. 

The best part is I know his family.  I know who he comes from and his family is a VERY honorable,  good family.  I believe him because I believe in his family who are good Godly people. 

Finding hope when I thought all my hope was lost, 

Rebekah M

A First

I’ve been told by more than one person in my past that not kissing is a deal breaker.  That no guy would date me since I have a conviction against kissing before the alter. 

Then…  Tonight. 

I met this guy at my brother’s church a year ago and have been interested in him since but nothing came of it.  We hung out Saturday in San Francisco and again tonight.  After eating dinner with everyone he took me back to my brothers place and we talked.  I told him I liked him and thought he liked me too…  Which he agreed. Then I confessed that I can’t kiss. 

At first he was confused.  We weren’t officially dating so yeah,  we shouldn’t be kissing while getting to know each other.  Then he asked me since he wasn’t trying to get anything from me so why would he disappear (when I kept asking if he was going to disappear now that I confessed my conviction)? It finally dawned on me he was saying that he was trying to get to know ME not my physical body,  but ME so even if I can’t kiss until “things are much more serious” (his words) he’s okay with that.  If anything he seemed to like that! 

Even if this ends up being nothing,  I’m thankful.  I actually almost started crying on him right then and there.  Someone like him exists! IN THE CHURCH!  He’s real folks and for now,  we’re both on the same page of getting to know one another better!  :) 

Pleasantly,  thankful to God to be,  surprised, 

Rebekah M. 


As I prepare for my latest trip to california to see my beloved nephew, I can’t help but feel drawn to write some things down. I have been rather…. I don’t even know how to fully explain it. I’m not broken per say, I’ve just been… numb. I have had SO much work to do. It has felt like chaos swirling around me. I have done a 22hr shift only to go back 4hrs later to help deliver a baby but we ended up doing a C-section 6hours later.

There have been a mix of guys in my life who some have come and gone, some seem to want to step things up a little perhaps, and even someone new who has just truly brightened my last few days.

I am so lost as to what I should do about all this. One guy and I have had tentative plans to meet up Saturday and the last time we did felt very much like a date but… he rarely ever speaks with me when we’re not face-to-face. I had a horrendous day yesterday and I didn’t even bother trying to message him about it because I couldn’t trust that he’d care enough to reply. It’s almost like a lack of even a friendship.

Another guy is looking to drive HOURS to hang out with a group, knowing I might be there. Is he there just for the group or at least partially to finally meet me? All I know is that he posted in our mutual group on facebook his Ms calendar month nominations for Sept-Dec and made me Ms December with the following description:

Beautiful, nerdy, bakes me cookies, she saves people (DR), she kills people (XBOX), prays for me, sexy, and although she doesnt have kids yet, they will be cute because she’s Asain.

We had had plans to meet up before but they fell through when I was asked to cover the medicine service that same day and I knew I wouldn’t get away until late (typically a 12-14hr day when I’m covering inpatient medicine).

Then this new man… I don’t know. Perhaps he wants nothing more than friendship and part of me is fine with that. It is definitely WAY too early to be making any decisions beyond getting to know him better but I continue to like what I do know and find myself feeling more and more like a fly to honey. He’s actually the inspiration behind my posting- because something we talked about reminded me about some of my old posts. I wanted to send him one of them where God had truly worked on helping me move beyond my stage of just feeling so horrendously ugly.

I don’t think anyone has ever truly known or understood just how much I have felt truly as if I were an unwanted, mockable monster. One to be shamed and overlooked. One not worthy of love. I really do think that’s why I did so much with the guys in my past (can I truly say I’m still waiting for marriage when often I feel like I’ve done everything but that one single act?)- because it felt at the time like they were validating that I’m not ugly.

I can still remember the looks one of them gave me on our first date… I have never felt so adored before then or since him. A man who didn’t believe there is a God, but so full of charity, generosity, kindness, and FUN! We laughed so much while exploring this beautiful world God created (hiking many different trails), similar humor, and he was just so very smart in non-traditional things like archery, mountain climbing, and building.

But God doesn’t want me to seek a man for validation; I will NEVER be fulfilled in looking to a human for such. I think it’s a big part of why, even when I had about 3-4 guys all talking to me at once for a while, I just couldn’t really seem to want to push beyond friendship with any of them. Even now, I just can’t seem to want to push for anything more with any of them. Part of it at this point is because this new guy truly has me so intrigued. Maybe he sees me as nothing more than a new friend, I won’t cry over spilled milk when there are other guys showing interest, but part of me feels like I want to keep getting to know him. To keep him in my life since he makes me laugh so much and, to be honest, I find his pictures (and we accidentally videochatted the other day- long story) VERY attractive. But it goes beyond just because I think he looks hot- I’ve been slipping spiritually and even already we’ve both starting hold each other accountable to morning prayer. We can talk about God easily while also making each other laugh about silly things like grumpy cat. When I had to deal with a HORRIBLE patient the other day, I sent him a message asking him if he had a way to make me laugh. He immediately responded with the perfect thing!

It may end up as nothing, I hope it at least ends up with a solid friendship.

So what to do in the mean time? Just live. I’m going to get on that plane in a few hours and hold my sweet nephew in my arms soon enough and just breathe. I will choose to praise Him when I’m confused. I will choose to worship Him while things swirl. I will choose to lift up the name of Jesus in this time of contemplation.

Rebekah M.

In A Golden Vial

And when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.” ~ (Rev 5:8 KJV)

Growing up in the Catholic Church, I used to believe that the term “saints” encompassed a specific group of people that met certain criteria of godliness, miracles, and being dead, and were subsequently canonized by the pope. I have since come to realize that God’s miracles are not bound by the lives of a chosen few. As His children, we are given an inheritance, an authority to call on His power during our stewardship in this world. Believers, as God’s people, are saints. There are other translations of this verse that even use the phrase “God’s people” instead. We are saints. I am a saint.

And when I pray, God holds the words precious. Precious. He holds my communion precious. Now, when I first read this, I thought “vial of odours” meant perfume. Vials hold liquid, right? I thought my prayers were like a sweet-smelling perfume to the Lord. It’s a lovely thought.

As it turns out, it’s even better than that. I read a few other translations which instead of “odours” say “incense”. Perfume in the bible was valuable and could even comprise an inheritance. But sweet incense was in another league altogether. It was used in the tabernacle on the altar of incense and was for sacred use only. It was so precious that God didn’t allow any personal use of it at all.

That is what our prayers comprise. That is what adorns the throne room in golden vials. Too precious to use on earth, too valuable to be used for anything other than God Himself, this is what our prayers to Him become – so highly does He value them.

That is beautiful. That is amazing and humbling. And it’s also convicting. How many times have I prayed in a hurry, prayed while multitasking, prayed for mundane or worthless things? How often have I prayed for selfish things? How often has my prayer life been focused on myself and not the Kingdom? All I could think about after reading this verse was a back room full of my selfish and rushed prayers that were not sweet-smelling at all, but instead were stinking up the place.

Granted, a large part of my prayer life, especially lately, has been focused on Jesus Himself – more intimacy with Him, more of His heart and less of mine, just more of Him. After reading this verse I was pretty glad of that! But the major cry of my heart today is still this:

I want a prayer life that reflects the value God places on it.

Then the more I meditated on this verse, the more I realized something. It doesn’t talk about a back room of hidden-away, less-than-perfect prayers. There’s no hidden shelf labelled “Rebekah A’s stank pile”. There’s a golden vial of incense, held safe in the hands of the elders.

That’s what mercy is. That’s what grace is. That’s who God is.

He deserves every second of time that I have. He deserves every ounce of my energy. He’s GOD – He deserves every bit of passion in my heart. Sometimes I give it to Him, and He counts it precious. Sometimes I give Him the dregs, the tired leftovers after the world has had first dibs. He counts it precious. His love is steadfast no matter what, and to me that’s miraculous and mind-blowing.

So I encourage you to bask in that mercy today. Don’t be judged by it, be encouraged. Encouraged that no matter what your prayer life is looking like these days, it’s never too late to reconnect. God has been cherishing it all along. So let’s tune our hearts to His and place a golden vial in our own hearts – one that cannot be filled but for Him. Let’s count it precious. Let’s have prayer lives that SHOW how much we value His presence.

Ever awed by His tender grace, I pray deeper communion over you today. I pray your heart beat just a little bit closer in time with His. May He fill your mouth with prayers that move mountains. And may His golden vials be ever filled with your sweet-smelling words.

~Rebekah A


So things have just been a mess these last few months. The guy I WAS talking to quickly moved on to another girl is actually already married to her… within 24hrs of meeting her in person they were engaged and in that same month they were married.  Resentment for how he could so quickly move on has been hard to deal with. I want to hate him so much for making me feel duped and easily forgotten.

But hate is not of God. 

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. ~ Matt 5:44-45

In the midst of learning to forgive and the big one is to forget (especially with my friends giving me updates on things like how he and his wife aren’t even living together yet and how she was yelling at one of them for something silly), I’m trying to apply to new jobs (residency is almost over!), I have multiple guys that I’m getting to know and haven’t been friendzoned yet, and work is just… always rough. It has been emotionally draining to be on the palliative service this month where every day I’m in the hospital I’m looking at dying people. One was up and about two weeks before, went to the hospital for chest pain, found to have horrible stomach cancer that was everywhere, and about to pass away when I met them.

I need God to center me. I need Him to help me find my way in all of this mess. I need Jesus to be the center of my life.

Feeling a bit lost in the midst of all this change,

Rebekah M.

First Day

Rebekah M. is currently on a Medical Missions trip in Western Europe. She gave me (Rebekah L) permission to post this reflection she wrote chronicling her first day of the clinic on her behalf. Her access to wifi is limited, but we hope to be hearing more about her trip as it progresses!

As I’m winding down from my first day in clinic,  I can’t help but reflect on such a crazy day.  It seems the people of the village think at times that we can offer better than their own system and although they may get better access to us, some have come in methotrexate for their RA, x-rays for their back,  and even problems with their legs after a stroke,  hoping we American doctors can do better.  It is hard to come to a place of recognizing I have nothing to offer.  I had one patient who had no desire to live and the only thing I could offer her was prayer and the promise that God loves her.  With tears in my  eyes,  I told her of how I too had been in a place of wishing I was dead and how God had been my strength.

It is weird both in acknowledging that I had that time in my life but too… To use it to reach out to a patient in which I have nothing else to offer her.  Honestly…  The time in my life still feels so fresh,  the rawness of it still lingers.  I had no plans to kill myself,  just no plans to protect myself from death. In my heart I welcomed it.  I wanted to be dead.  But God gave me a hope and a dream.

Today I did the morning devotional and spoke of meeting our daily appointment with God- a chance to minister to a soul and in doing so live the words of Jesus how in ministering to others,  we are actually ministering to Him. I challenged myself and implored to others in joining me in meeting that appointment.

I think she was one of them and I pray my words reached her.

My final thought from today is from my favorite moment of the day- the Ukrainian counterparts of the team led night worship and it was amazing.  So passionate and full of life,  I loved seeing and hearing God worshiped in a language I didn’t know,  yet I completely understood and joined with in the spirit.

Thank You Jesus for this day. 
Thank You for my appointments with You. 
Thank You for this abundant life.

-Rebekah M.