Ode to the Single Christian Female… Again

It has been a LONG time since I last posted. In part from being busy, partially because I was going through a lot, and partially because I was too lazy to get around the fact my chrome browser did not work with the new wordpress editor (I’m posting from explorer today). But I’m back now.

I recently have had MUCH on my mind/heart this month. This month alone I have had 2 of the guys I used to talk to get engaged to their new significant others and the one guy that I was seeing who was not in church sent me an invite for a baby shower with his new girlfriend. It has been quite interesting.  The feelings that roll through you with that many announcements all at once ebb and flow.

For one that I am still somewhat friends with, I am genuinely happy for. We truly are best as just friends and he is a good person so I am happy that he has found happiness with a wonderful, Godly woman.

The other, resentment in how he treated me sometimes tries to boil back up. He apologized so I know that I chose to forgive him but I am still human. Of all things, facebook made a point to send my phone an actual phone alert that he was engaged! I almost want to block him or defriend him but part of me is too stubborn, not wanting to look like I care since in truth, the only reason I am bothered is not because I want to be with him, but because I felt SO duped by him and yet this person that I felt almost conned by with his smooth talk and lack of action is now getting married and seemingly happy. Jealousy at his happiness and resentment for his past actions is not a pretty look.

And for the one not in church… I felt with such conviction that God was telling me- it’s time to truly, fully let him go. 

I remember once, crying in my friend’s kitchen, asking her if she understood what it felt like to wonder if the love you had for someone will ever be matched again. Wondering if he’ll always be the only one who treated you like a discovered treasure. To know what it is like to have someone look you in the eyes with adoration, who went out of his way to make you smile daily, who never fought with you (seriously), and found ways to gap the distance despite the miles… even traveling 4hrs each way to see you for a weekend…

My heart was still in pieces in the kitchen that day with my friend as she consoled me, but much later when the news came recently of the baby… I knew.  I had chosen God over someone who would have led me down a path that would have been my spiritual destruction. God protects us! He wants only our good! To think that could have been me. Celebrating the fruits of sin instead of waiting for when things are right in God’s eyes.  Do not get me wrong, a child is never to blame, but for those who have a conviction that as the Bible says, premarital sex is wrong, you will understand my statement.

Then I felt God ask me if I trusted Him. Did I trust Him enough to believe in a picture I had seen on facebook recently?

I honestly told Him I know He has power and I know this can be the truth, but it is hard as a human. It is hard to think my favorite broken toy could ever be replaced with something better.

But I know He can

…and so I have been working on finding my way back. Bridging the silence between He and I that I’ve created. It’s been like the roommate you see daily but rarely speak with except some pleasantries here and there and maybe one or two genuine conversations, but not the daily deep one of the past. It is weird how you can still be used by Him to touch people in big ways spiritually and yet lack the desperate unity that you once had with Him. But I’m determined to find my way back. To let the doubt and despair lift.

This morning while praying with a childhood friend over FB messenger over safety while in a country that has been hit by Ebola (she’s teaching English there), I felt the old me coming back. The one who fights in the spirit and breaks down walls and chains not by my might, but through God’s power In His name- Jesus name.

I have been created to be a warrior in Christ.

So sisters (and brothers), join me in taking back the fight- if you are single this is your time to give full devotion to God and the things of Him without the burdens of a family or husband (or wife) to care for. Let us make use of our season of singleness for you never know who will be your Eliazar.

Rebekah M.

God Provides

testToday at work I received a payroll check for one of our employees. The check was a replacement for one that was originally issued more than three and a half years ago that was somehow never cashed. The employee had no idea this check was coming. I live for these moments.

When I saw her I exclaimed that God had sent her a blessing as I handed her the check. Bewildered she stared at it and of course inquired what it was for. After I explained, she nearly broke down. Recently, she has been struggling financially as she had to take a cut in pay last year. She told me that her bank account is currently $33 in the negative. She said that she had committed to sending $100 to a missions work in Cambodia and even though she didn’t have the money, she sent it anyway. She told her father that God would provide the money. Her father was skeptical and said, “How is He going to do that?” She said she didn’t know, but she believed He would. The check she received today was for more than $1200!

Let me be clear that I am not advocating for anyone to be financially unwise. We need to budget and plan accordingly. However, if God places it in your heart to step out in faith and give, and you make a commitment to do so, don’t back out of your commitment. Trust that He will provide!

I live for these moments. It is wonderful to watch God provide for His children and strengthen their faith. She stepped out in faith and God opened His windows of heaven to pour out a blessing! Yes, it was technically already her money, but it was money that she didn’t need or miss at the time (nearly four years ago) and instead it arrived exactly when she needed it! God’s timing is impeccable. She kept her commitment to the souls in Cambodia and put her trust in God. He provided. It is a testimony to her father and it is a testimony to me. To God be the glory!'GOD' 'ALWAYS' ‘PROVIDES' - Philippians 4 verse 19

Thank you, Jesus!

In His Love,

Rebekah L.

PS. Please share your recent testimonies with us.

We love to hear them!

Learning to Love like Jesus

LI have this little problem. I love hard. I love deep. I love people too much. Rather, I love people too selfishly; with too many expectations. I get frustrated when people don’t love me the way that I love them. I find myself feeling disappointed when I don’t receive love back the way that I give it out. Even when people actually love me better than I love them, I have trouble recognizing it when it comes in a form that is unfamiliar to me. In my disappointment I have often told myself that the solution is to love them less. If I didn’t love them so much, it wouldn’t hurt so much when things don’t happen the way I think they should. I have tried countless times to love people less and I fail miserably at it. Why would I try to love someone less? Because the more neutral your feelings toward someone, the less the things they do (or don’t do) affect you. I’m tired of feeling hurt and disappointed. I am tired of hoping things will be different and finding they never are. I’m tired of feeling like I love people so much and they don’t love me back. It’s a lie from the enemy; People do love me. I’m just not that good at recognizing it.

Thank God Jesus is not like me! The truth is that I don’t need to learn to love less; I need to learn to love differently. I need to love with a pure love. A love that doesn’t ask for anything in return. A love without expectation. When the people didn’t love Jesus the way He loved them, did He give up on them or walk away? Did He try to love them less so that it wouldn’t hurt so much if they didn’t love Him back? No, He loves unconditionally. He loved us so deeply that He hung on a cross and died for us. That’s the kind of love I need. I need to learn to love more, not less. I need to learn to consistently be compassionate, turn the other cheek, and forgive. I need to learn to love like Jesus.

Lord, teach me to love like you love. Teach me how to see people the way that you do. Teach me not to view things from my selfish perspective, but to always see them through the mercy and love of the Lord. Teach me to love like Jesus.

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

Freedom from Harassment

For the past two years I have been dealing with blatant sexual harassment from a co-worker. It started when this man asked me out on a date. He was a pastor of a denomination similar to mine and had always been very friendly with me. Although not well known by the English speakers in my company, he was highly respected among the Hispanic employees (He is Latin American) and I was intrigued by him. I agreed to the date.

We had a nice time and I readily agreed to a second date. I began to wonder if it might be God’s plan for us to partner together for the work of the Kingdom. I wanted him to be the one, but I couldn’t shake this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something just wasn’t right. It was after the fourth date that I found out that he is married! He never wore a ring and had never mentioned a wife so I really had no idea. This was not even a case of him being separated, he is a fully married man! Obviously, that was the end for me.

But it was not the end. Not for him. Not by a long shot.

He refused to accept that I was no longer interested in him. He refused to back down. He would not leave me alone. He would beg me to give him a chance. He would come to my office and tell me the explicit things he fantasized about doing with me. He would tell me that I was in his heart and mind. He would plead with me to have sex with him “just one time. Just one time, por favor.”

Suddenly the man who had always seemed so friendly became aggressive and frightening. It didn’t matter how many times I said no, he wouldn’t stop. He began purposely trying to intimidate me. He would block my exit from my office. He would follow me into the women’s restroom. He would be waiting at my car when I tried to leave for the day. If I wrote all of the things he said and did over the last two years, you would be amazed (and perhaps judgmental) about the fact that I did not do more to stop it. For a while I was paralyzed by it. It was scary to me. I didn’t know how to handle it.

I determined in my heart that I didn’t want to be the reason that this man lost his job. He has a family to support. I kept praying that God would have mercy on him and grant him a heart of repentance. I prayed that he would get a revelation of God that would change his behavior. When things didn’t seem to change I began to pray that God would get this man away from me. I didn’t really care how it happened; I just wanted it to happen. I prayed he would repent and leave me alone. When it seemed he wasn’t going to do that I prayed he would transfer to another location in our company. When that didn’t happen I prayed he would find another job or quit. I just kept praying for God to get him away from me.

It took a while, but eventually I began to see things differently. God helped me to fight the battle spiritually. He helped me to recognize that this man is under the influence of Satan and he needs deliverance. He never changed his behavior, but the effect it had on me changed. I stopped being afraid. I stopped letting it linger in my mind. I just kept giving it to God. Somewhere along the way, the peace of God began to replace the negative thoughts and feelings I had. I began to focus all my prayers on his soul. He is a man who is spiritually in a very dangerous place.

Yesterday I got notice that this man is being laid off. Finally, he will be away from me. I pray that he is able to find another job quickly, but I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that I feel relief. I find it interesting that it wasn’t until I found peace in the situation that the answer to my prayer came. I’m not saying that he is being laid off because of my prayers, but it is an answer to my prayer. I could have had him fired a long time ago, but I didn’t want to be personally responsible for him losing his income.

I have mixed feelings about this. I rejoice in my deliverance, but I grieve for his continued bondage. I pray that he does not become a problem for someone else. May God have mercy on his soul.

Have you ever experienced something like this in your walk with God?

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

Send Me

I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me.” -Isaiah 6:8

I have exciting news. I will be going back to China and Taiwan! It will be another short trip through my company similar to the one I went on last year. It won’t be for a while, perhaps not until spring, but the plans are falling into place. I have no idea what the spiritual significance will be, but I have no doubt that this is the will of the Lord. I had to go through several steps over a period of months during the selection process which entailed completing an application, submitting an essay, getting letters of recommendation, having a panel interview, and taking a Chinese proficiency test. At each one of these steps I prayed for the Lord to either open the door or close the door according to His will. From a human perspective I am far from the best candidate for the job so I know that being selected was only by the hand of the Lord. He has a purpose for allowing me another opportunity to go and I am humbled, grateful, and excited. I pray that He will allow me to be a vessel to reach the souls I come across. Lord open doors, open doors, open doors!

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

Exhaustion

I have not written on here in a long time, to be honest I have not even come on the site in weeks. Partially because I have been insanely busy and partially because the guilt of not writing makes me avoid the site at times.  I miss sharing this world of mine with you all- strange as that sounds.  You readers have been wonderful encouragements at times and when you have allowed us to share YOUR stories, the circle was completed.

These last few weeks have been rough. I do not fully understand the complete and utter sense of exhaustion I have, but it feels as if it reaches into my soul at times. Last night I came home from work around 7PM so tired that, although I had much paperwork to catch up on, I went straight to bed and woke up at 5AM today.  In the last few days I have worked to re-incorporate God in my every morning. It is not always easy since I was still listening to Christian music even when I was not fully incorporating Him.

You can listen to Christian music; you can glance at the verse of the day on your phone; you can say a short “help me God” but unless you truly commune with Him, you have not touched the throne of God.  And so I have worked to mindfully listen to the music on my way to work.  I listened to the bible while going about my morning activities. I sang a song of praise throughout my day.

Am I where I want to be in Christ? No.

Part of me feels like going on a fast would fix all this and part of me is so utterly exhausted the thought of pushing out more would tip me over the edge of exhaustion. I don’t know if there is a beyond exhausted, but I at times feel like I would be the first one to find out what that state is.

Regardless, my God is still on the throne and He has given me just enough to make it through each day- sometimes barely but then again I have not been the best at asking every day.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

Rahab Gets Married

rings“As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two.” ~ Thomas Adam

For those of you who have followed my Rahab series over the last two years, I have some exciting news! Hint – It’s in the title of this post. ;) Yes, the lovely young woman referred to in these posts has gotten hitched.

This is significant because it represents a total separation from her past. As a woman who was forced to sell her body (by her own parents no less), she did not even dare to dream she would ever get out of her old life. She had resigned herself to the idea that she would have to endure her “profession” until she became too old to continue attracting clients. She often worried how she would support herself when that day finally came. The idea of marriage was so far beyond her realm of possibilities that she couldn’t even entertain the idea.

Starting when she was very young her father told her repeatedly that as a member of his family she belonged to him and had no choice but to do as he told her. He said, “Until you have a family of your own, you belong to me. And no one will ever marry someone as filthy and used up as you are. You will never find a man who is willing to marry someone like you.” He was the reason she became “filthy and used up”, but yet used that as the rationale that no one would ever marry her and that she was doomed to always be his property to be rented out as he pleased.

But God!

Oh how God can take all of man’s plans and turn them on their head! When the world saw someone who was filthy and used up, God saw a woman to be redeemed! Jesus Christ is still in the business of cleansing and making new! He took a woman of ill repute and completely turned her life around! She now knows the Lord; she has been delivered from her life of degradation, and filled with His Spirit.

God has seen fit to give her a godly man as a husband. Even by her father’s twisted justification, she is free from him by virtue of having been married. The thing she never thought possible has come to pass by way of Jesus Christ. God took a terrible circumstance and used it for both her and her new husband’s good. They met through a series of cruel tricks by both his parents and hers. He never saw the deception coming, fell right into their trap, and committed a serious mistake. By all outward appearances this should have ended very very badly.

But God!

This man repented of his sin, and became a representation of Christ to this woman who was so desperately lost in darkness. He modeled love. She was filled with anger and bitterness. She fought back at him with sharp words and a hateful attitude. He kept reaching out in the love of Christ. He ignored her hurtful behavior. Through every angry word and difficult encounter he continued to show godly love in a way that she had never seen. In fact, she had never experienced any kind of love at all. Not from friends. Not from men. Not from family members. Not even her own parents.

But God!

God used this man to show real love. And real love prevailed. Through it all God kept reaching for her. He did a miracle in her life. She surrendered to Him and it changed everything.

Her faith in Him is incredible. I have seen her grow in spiritual maturity so quickly. Her prayers are deep and strong. Her level of commitment is rare among Christians. She has already become a role model for the women in her church. She is a woman who knows what God has done for her.

There is no greater freedom than that of living for Jesus Christ!

Congratulations, Rahab. May your marriage be as strong and resilient as you have been. May the goodness and mercy of the Lord follow you both all the days of your lives. May you and your husband be blessed with a love that grows stronger every day and moves you ever closer to the Lord.

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

More in the Rahab Series:

Being Rahab (Part 1)

Revisiting Rahab (Part 2)

The Faith of Rahab (Part 3)

Praying with Rahab (Part 4)