The Root

This week has been one of my toughest that I’ve ever had emotionally. I have hidden it well from many but Monday night I had a death wish and it lingered for days. I was truly oppressed for sure. No appetite. I was sobbing uncontrollably for almost an hour Monday night… just so deeply wishing I was dead. I actually told God that too… my slate was clean, why couldn’t I just die before I could sin again and before anyone else could hurt me.

Yesterday, my prayer partner and I were on the phone together for something she needed prayer for and I finally confessed these feelings and practically begged her to just pray over me… and finally I started getting a release. I was BETTER after Monday night… but the thoughts continued randomly- especially when I was driving or home alone. Thoughts of how it would be fine if a freak drunk driver accident happened to me, a freak train coming out of no where, carbon monoxide poisening etc…. Never actually had any intentions to do anything… just no desire to fight for my life should something bad have happened at the time.

Don’t get me wrong- I believe suicide is the worst thing you can do to your family. My cousin committed suicide and the pain that took YEARS to heal.. I would never want to inflict that on anyone else.

However… as I said- I believe I as oppressed… the thoughts would come uninvited and it would just be ways that I could die that wouldn’t be my fault and how I really didn’t mind it.

But GOD.

I found out my prayer partner and God sister were called on Monday to fast for me and my prayer partner was even in deep intercession for me around the same time the thoughts started.  While talking to/praying with my prayer partner yesterday though we figured out that a big root of problem was that much of my life I have had some wound inflicted that has left me feeling easily forgotten, abandoned, and unprotected.  Were any of those things true for my childhood- no- and yet I know in my heart that these are deep, deep roots. Why does anyone hurt at times? There are times we doctors can’t tell our patients the source of the problem, just potential ways to help it get better (and sometimes not even that- sometimes the only one with the answers is God Himself).

Jesus,

Thank You that in Your love You sent people to fast/pray for me in my hour of need. Thank You that I know You are my protector, You will never abandon, You will never leave me behind.

Rebekah M.

The Perfect Mate- Jesus is my Picard

I love Star Trek- most of all The Next Generation. In Season 5 there is an episode of a woman who had been hidden originally in a carrier and was released early by some aliens who were trying to steal her for she was of great worth. You see, she was the perfect woman. Able to tell and adapt to the needs of any man she was with and if she bonded with a man, she would forever be perfect for only him. If he was good, upstanding, compassionate, and kind so would she.  If he was ruthless, full of wrath, and greedy- so would she become. By the end of the episode, this woman decided to bond (not in flesh) with Picard because she most liked who she was when she was with him and wanted to be the best version of who she could. She would still go on to marry someone else for the peace of two worlds, but that man would not influence who she was at her core. She still had the ability to tell what that man liked, but the choices of her actions would be weighed against the set of morals created in her by bonding with captain Picard.

All my life I have searched for a man to love. Even from a young age I read novel after novel of good Christian men loving women and despite all the problems in their way, they always ended up together through God’s grace.  I have so desperately wanted that kind of love story- one in which Christ clearly was the matchmaker and in which he and I would be a living example of Christ and the church. To have a man who would love me THAT MUCH that I could submit to him knowing that he would put my needs above his own.

Lately, when I think of that guy I’ve thought of that episode and just not understood how he could play with our relationship so lightly when I was willing to adjust my habits/thinking for him (for times he said an action scared him or reminded him of his ex wife). To be who he needed, even in his broken state. But this morning, I felt God ask to be my Picard. To finally, officially choose to mold myself after Him like she did with my favorite TV captain. There is no greater man to try to mold my heart and soul after than Him. There is no one who will ever love me greater than Him. If I make Him my perfect mate- the One that I mold myself after- I can still marry another here on earth but he will not influence me at my core. I will always be my favorite version of myself if I bond with Jesus as she did Picard.

Jesus,

Help me mold my heart to You. Help me be love, purity, holiness, meekness, joy, and more. Let me bear the fruit of Galations 5:22-23. Help me stand on Your Word and believe that I can be a new creature in You. Help me believe that even with other guys in my past, YOU are my true heart. YOU are the one I am my best self with and solidify me in You so that no man can influence that.

Molding to Jesus,

Rebekah M.

Prayer Monday- This World Is NOT my Home

Today…. I helped remind a patient that God loves her- she cried as she told me she had felt God reached down to her today through me. Today I had my appointment with God and met it. Last night I sent an email apology to that guy for a moment I felt God telling me I deeply wounded him. Today, I apologized to that co-worker that I’ve never gotten along with.

So on my way home I just…. so desperately asked God… why can’t I just… not be here anymore. I cleaned my slate so why couldn’t God just take me while my slate was clean? Not that I want to kill myself just…. a deep longing to just… not be here because in heaven, no one can touch me. No one can hurt me. No one can break my heart again.

With Him there is perfect love. With Him, there is no crying, no sorrow, no pain.

But…. I know He has a purpose and a plan for me- that I must submit everything into His hands and so here and now Lord, I submit the deep longing that my life was just over and ask You to turn even this into good. To stand in faith in Romans 8:28 that all things can work together for my good. I am SURE that part of it is because of how I reach that patient today. I touched her heart and reminded her of Your love Jesus. I submit to the fact that since I’m still here I must have a reason for it so just… mold me, make me what You want. Help me to go where You want me to go. Show me the open door that You’ve been talking to my soul about for over a week now.  Renew the joy of salvation. I had made myself get up and dance before you in worship- not from any feeling, but because in all times You are worthy so once again Lord, I say:

YOU ARE WORTHY OF PRAISE OH MY LORD GOD JESUS CHRIST! YOU ARE WORTHY OF PRAISE EVEN WHEN MY HEART IS DONE. YOU ARE WORTH OF PRAISE IN THE DEEPEST PARTS OF THE STORM.

Worshiping Him and standing on His Word full of promises,

Rebekah M.

The Wave is Coming

There is an excitement in my soul. I cannot begin to express it all. The complete truth of what is about to unfold I just… I can’t wrap my mind around everything… all I know is that I feel an urging in God to believe that He is my God of hope. He is coming in power as He promised. He will honor everything I have sacrificed. He will honor my heart that beats for Him. He will wash everything away so greatly I will stand in awe as the work of His hands.

Lord,

Do it oh God! Do what ever it is you desire! Let my life just be yours! Jesus… let every one of my preconceived ideas wash away as YOU make my life what it should be! Help wash off scales from my eyes. Help me be whatever you want for me and be with whomever You choose for me. I will go with Eleazar if you send him.

Rebekah M.

Letting Go(d)

So in my prayer time this morning, I felt God tell me I had to talk to the guy on the phone. I texted him and asked him to please call me and he did.

I told him that I had to disappear- in Christ- and urged him to do the same. Getting off facebook, twitter, instagram etc and not talking to single guys. Told him to do the same- bury himself in Christ and just…stop talking to all those single females, stop seeking anything other than Christ because what he needs no woman could ever give him. I can’t be what he needs because only GOD can give him what he needs- true healing from the scars of his divorce.

Do I believe this man can be transformed by God to become who I need? Yes.

The raw material of his good, sweet soul is amazing. He has such capacity to love and cherish and protect… but when his life shattered with his ex-wife’s actions and was accused of the opposite it… twisted him…. and he’s been trying to let God untwist him but it seems in the last month he’s been trying to take matters into his own hands and he’s twisted himself into someone I don’t even know. Someone who I cannot trust my heart with.

So I told him- if he wants to still meet in April (as we originally planned) to give me the respect to call me a week ahead of time to make plans… but in the mean time I’m concentrating on God to seek my healing from his actions (and yes, I purposefully used that phrasing because it WAS his actions that hurt me) and I implored him to do the same- seek God for his full healing so he could be the man that I need.

David had a choice after he sinned with Bathsheba and he chose repentance and doing what was right from then on. That baby of their sin died- just as our relationship died from his actions done in the shadows- but the next one was Solomon- the wisest man who ever lived. God can truly turn EVERYTHING around in the blink of an eye if we’ll just let Him! So I encouraged him to be like David- be the man after God’s own heart.

We’ll see what happens come April… but I know regardless… I am excited to see what God does in my life in the mean time :)

Dear Reader,

May you too find a place to just bury yourself in Christ right now. Find solace from the pains of this world. Let God buffer you if you’re in a time of pain. Let this time make you shine brightly for Him even if the process hurts. Let Him cover you with His love!

Rebekah M.

Related post:

http://beingrebekah.com/2013/10/28/how-to-shine-brighter-a-time-of-buffering-aka-growing-pains/

Broken Trust

Romans 8:28 says that all things work together for the good of them who love God and are the called according to His purposes.

Things with the new guy have been rough for the last month… I didn’t fully understand why until God revealed what has been going on in secret for the last month: he’s been flirting with multiple other women.

We weren’t officially dating so it wasn’t cheating technically… but he also knew that I was being exclusive with him and, despite multiple opportunities to tell me (especially since he had originally told me he was exclusive) he just kept flirting with other women… even a very close friend of mine.

Today, the guilt of just continually feeling like she was pushing off his advances led her to tell me her concern that he was flirting with her…. and he ended up confessing that he wasn’t being exclusive and was sorry to have hurt me. It was never his intention to lead me on but in his fear of how things would go when we FINALLY meet in April (6 months out), he started flirting with other women.

I kept asking him why he didn’t just let me know when he wasn’t exclusive anymore but he didn’t have an answer. I kept trying to dig into things deeper and these things I now understand:

a) I am worthy of more than his actions as of late- I deserve a man who would be upfront of his intentions towards me

b) he is a broken, broken man- horrible apartment, barely getting by in finances (and not even really), no degree to speak of, divorced, and his son lives with his ex-wife and the man she cheated with who used to be his best friend… and I had (and he did too) believed he was healed of those scars but he’s clearly not.
-He apparently hasn’t been able to shake the fear that I read into all his actions because that’s what his ex-wife used to do.
– He admitted he couldn’t understand why anyone (especially a smart, doing well financially, pretty DOCTOR) would want to be with someone like him (see above)

c) this man is in a crisis of faith and he can do one of two things- go towards or away from Christ in this time

d) he will never be ready for a relationship with anyone until these feelings are dealt with

Is my trust of him broken- yes. He did not tell me his actions that he was doing in secret until I had proof. I still don’t want to believe this means he’d cheat on me in the future… but he clearly has to earn back my trust.

Dear Readers,

If you have fears that consume you, bitterness, anger, hatred… GIVE THEM TO CHRIST! I honestly am not sure where I stand on things with him anymore… how does one come back from broken trust? But I do know this- our God is able. Able to heal this man’s soul. Able to make him worthy of me with his actions of open, upstanding ways. Able to turn his situation around in the blink of an eye. So I implore of you dear readers… pray for this man? He made a terrible judgement in error to take my heart/affections for granted. Does this mean he is a loser/jerk/etc? No, I think it makes him a broken man who needs prayer. One who God could make worthy of the person who all this time he was flirting with other women she was praying/ fasting/ even sending a “faith box” (will post about it later- it was honestly something I hope others do one day) for him. So pray please. Pray for me, pray for him, pray for God’s Will to be done.

In Him

Rebekah M.

Popping the Bubble

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for everything under the heavens.” ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1

“For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour out my Spirit on your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendents.” ~ Isaiah 44:3

This week the news of Bob Simon’s (a new anchor and correspondent at CBS) tragic death hit hard in my circle, many of whom work or have worked in television.  He has been imprisoned in Iran during the Gulf War, reported from countless war zones, and won 25 Emmy awards. After all that his life was cut short by, of all things, a car crash in Manhattan.

It didn’t take long for the details to come out – the driver clipped a car on the West Side Highway and crashed into the median. In short order, details began coming out about the driver: he was a driver whose license was suspended 9 times and has several driving-related convictions. One of his arms was stiff making it hard to turn the wheel – it had been permanently damaged during a previous suicide attempt which involved jumping out of a building. The home address that he has on his license turned out to be the state department of homeless services. All in all, it would seem that the man wasn’t necessarily stable enough to be entrusted with the lives of passengers, and perhaps not stable enough to be behind the wheel of a car.

As I ponder this, I can’t help but relate it back to Christianity. So many Christians think we’re in our little safe bubble. The world is the world – it’s ‘out there’, it’s ‘them’.  And stay firmly in our bubble of ‘us’, and we keep separate. My message to you all today is this: we are not in the world to erect a bubble around ourselves. We aren’t here to keep separate from ‘them’. We’re here to be vessels for them – to deliver the Living Water that the thirsty may drink.

The idea of a bubble is so false anyway. We don’t get to choose whether our waiter, helper, driver, etc, is a “fellow” Christian or not. We don’t get to choose whether they’re ‘good’. But in that moment, however brief, we are still dependent on them. We depend on these strangers without thinking twice about it, and that’s fine. We assume the risk. We have to. That’s how the world works.

But if we don’t seize the chance to pour out on these strangers, even if we’re only with them for a moment, the next person to depend on them assumes the same risk. If we leave them thirsty, who brings them Water? If not us, who?

If someone had poured out love onto that driver, would he still have lost control of the car – would he have jumped from that building and rendered his arm nearly unusable? Would he still have been speeding? We don’t know the paths of the strangers we encounter. We don’t know their pain or their joy. We don’t know their stories. But we know they’re loved, every bit as much as we are. We don’t always see the resulting fruit, but our encounters matter. Our words, our deeds, our attitudes, our mannerisms – they matter.

So I invite you to be intentional this week with me, just a little bit more than usual. See if you can love on everyone you encounter, be it with word or deed, even if it’s in just a small way. That impatient person behind you in line? Jesus loves them, a breathtaking all-encompassing love that would flat-out bring you to tears if He showed it to you. And it costs you nothing to let them know it. Even for just a second. So do it! Step out of your bubble and pour out the love! And then tell me about it at being.rebekah.a@gmail.com.

God bless!

Rebekah A