Assured in His Assurance

Lately man has been VERY busy with work, VERY tired, and between my switching back to days while he is still working the night schedule, and his life being very hard we haven’t talked much.  I miss him. A lot.

In the past I have had SUCH issues with guys pulling back as far as he has. In the past, I would have been convinced this was his way of getting out of a relationship. In the past, I would have pretended to seek God on this and continue to wallow in misery, sure that things were falling apart.

Today though- I feel Him tell me that the thought of man leaving is SO trivial that it should not even be on my radar.  Today- he’s still working to make contact despite his busy schedule.  He’s still making efforts to text in his few moments so that I know he’s not ignoring me. Today- my God assures me that I am so secure in His plan for me that it does not matter what Man does, for He is my security.

This. Is. New.

I have never felt this level of assurance from Christ that everything would be okay and THAT in and of itself slightly makes me feel off kilter- like something should feel drastically wrong but it doesn’t. Man is busy, but God is not. He knows exactly what He is doing right now and He has us both in the palms of His hands. He may eventually put us together, or He may have us go our separate ways.

In the meantime, I have never felt this sure that Jesus is in control of my love life and it is a WONDERFUL thing…. but allowing my mind to calm and be OK in this space…. I asked my family in family prayer tonight to help pray for that. So that I could rest assured in His assurance.

Dear Readers,

Is there something in your life that you are concerned about right now? For I can tell you that our God can take care of it! I know that He has the power to turn every situation around in the blink of an eye.  Hold on to the One who will never let you go and find in Him the faithfulness that you’ve always sought for.  Find in Jesus everything you need.

Rebekah M.

Song of the Day: Hold Me Together by Royal Taylor Band

As I was driving home earlier today after my night shift (6PM-8AM) at the hospital I heard this song and I just started crying, thanking God for holding me together. With what happened this past weekend with guy I had felt more strongly than ever that regardless of what happened with this man, our God has promised me He is holding my heart and will only give it if he proves worthy. The security that can be found in Christ is SO powerful and wonderful.  I cannot express my gratefulness to how much He has held me together in the bad days but even more importantly how He can make it so that we can face life fearless.

When my man and I first started talking the amazing part was that we felt the other made us fearless- to share our deep secrets, to share our hopes and dreams, to share our worst moments in life that we’ve dealt with in the past.  Lately though, God has shown me that it is only in Him that a sustained feeling of fearlessness can happen.

Jesus is what makes me fearless.

Jesus is what makes it possible for me to bask in this man’s love without fear of the future- not because I am assured of his love forever, but because I am assured of GOD’S love forever.  So whether he leaves me or stays and wins my heart forever, my God makes it possible for me to feel safe and secure in this time of discovering God’s will for us both.

Thank You Jesus for holding me together and being the security that makes it possible for me to live fearless in You.

Rebekah M.

Calm

Yesterday guy never texted, called, or responded to anything I sent him. I was worried and yet felt God saying everything would be okay. As a doctor I can’t help but imagine the worst because I have seen people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time- sometimes that wrong place being their own apartment that was mistaken for someone else’s.

But I prayed in Jesus name over his health and condition and I felt more and more to pray over his mental/emotional state.

In the end he texted this morning saying he was sorry and he didn’t mean to worry me, he just does this sometimes when he gets very worried over something. When I was mentioning that to one of my nurses tonight she told me to just get rid of him- huge red flag and something I shouldn’t have to deal with if he couldn’t even just send ONE text to say “can’t talk today, just need some space, sorry.”

Which is true… but I guess in the end the question that begs to be asked if “but what if God said to just trust Him in this time and stand still?”

I don’t know what this guy is thinking anymore. A whole day of silence then he reaffirms his love for me and, although talking to me less, has not cut me off yet or said he was done. I believe he needs his space and that he just needs to sort out whatever is going on in his head with God. I also felt God tell me that in this time of testing for him, either he will come out as the person I need for my future journey in this life or he will fail the test and cannot be the man I need.

I pray he passes the test of trust but ultimately I know this is between him and God. I cannot make him the man I need- only God can. If he is to be the one who can walk this life with me, he’ll have to be strong enough in knowing his foundation is Christ to stand being a husband to a doctor when he has no degree to his name. If he is to be the one I need, he’ll have to warn me the next time he just needs a Jesus day because it is not fair or right to make me worry for over a whole day… I went to bed holding my Bible because His Word gives me comfort on my restless nights. I understand and honor when a man needs to get away with his God- Jesus- but I also know that all I am asking is a simple text so I know what is going on.

Communication is the key.

In this time of miscommunication though, my God can bridge the gap. He has told me that He is holding on to my heart until this man proves he is worthy. His actions yesterday spoke a mix- on his behalf because he was seeking God but against him because he did not tell me that he was checking out for a bit.  Many of his other actions have spoken on his behalf.

I am okay with him having time away with Him but the not communicating and allowing me to worry for a whole day when I have no power to go see him because he is thousands of miles away…

…and yet my Lord tells me to just leave it in His hands. This man will either prove himself to be who I need, or he will prove himself to not be. And so there, in His arms, I have found my calm. In His hands my heart rests and He will give it should this man prove himself worthy. In His embrace am I safe.

Buried in Him where He is my calm,

Rebekah M.

2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 23,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Worship in the Midst

So guy and I had our first disagreement and, because I have had a fear all week (irrationally) that he was going to walk away from me and was ashamed of me and didn’t want people outside of his close network knowing about me, the whole time I waited for him to just walk away from me. As we talked things out I found something so key to my world and unlocked it once again.

My amazing man may not look like much on paper (minimum wage jobs, no formal education that produced certificates/degrees, bad apartment in a bad neighborhood, hard financial situation) but he is SO much more than his circumstances just as we all our. God has created this sweet, kind, caring, wonderful man who works hard- many times going from his overnight job that goes from 10PM-6AM to his physically demanding day job from 7AM-4PM with maybe a 30 minute nap in between. Two days a week he’ll then go pick up his son (divorced for a year and a half, she asked for it and remarried the same month they got divorced but through Christ is not bitter about it) and cherish every moment of the two hours he has with him and every other week he throws everything aside to show his son how much he loves him unconditionally. And he still finds a way to greet me every “morning” and talk to me throughout.

However- I have been walking on egg shells all week- so afraid he’ll just poof and disappear like the other guys- not because of who he is- but because of some weird feeling that I’m “cursed.” That something about me must cause two of the more major guys in my life (4 guys although I technically could say 5 but that 5th one was someone I continually described as “underwhelming” and shouldn’t have tried to date in the first place if I felt that way) to disappear/give up at six weeks.

And this man… this is the first man that I’ve cared about in a LONG time. I care so deeply for him, to be honest I care for him more than I did even my first boyfriend and it’s barely been seven weeks… it’s scary. What if he’s not as invested in this as me? What if he doesn’t still find me attractive? What if he finds someone closer to him (2000+ miles between us)? So the fears piled up and instead of giving them to God, I splintered more and more each day last week. Finally, I prayed some of it out… enough to feel ready to tell him. And then we had a misunderstanding… in a mutual group we are in on facebook I posted a picture of myself (“selfiesunday”) and I said something about him stealing my heart trying to show the guys on there to back off since I’m kind of taken… and he, having felt that his ex-wife was stolen from him and more especially that his time with his son has been stolen from him by the bad, ungodly actions of others, denied stealing it. He did not qualify with any other claim on me, just that he doesn’t steal.

I felt so rejected. I felt abandoned. I felt unsheltered.

Was that his intention, no. But I have been waiting for him to claim me openly for a while now. He’s asked my father and my pastor the right to date me and they gave their consent, but he knows I wish he’d see me in person to ask me to be his girlfriend. To me, it’s more a formality of a bond I already feel… but it’s a formality I prefer in person. And so it seems that he’s become worried that I would walk away when we meet in person just as I am also concerned that he’ll walk away from me after we meet in person…

But our God is NOT a God of fear.

We talked things out a bit last night. I had put my heart out there. Explained to him that as the man he is the leader. He can lead to love but he can also lead to insecurity. He must find his security in Christ for as he follows Christ, I follow after him. Yet too… if he does not lead to Christ but to fear and concern of inadequacy, so am I led to such things. We left things off sharing much more than we had in a bit but also having said we were both still in this… but still I could not help but wake up with concern.

So I got up and worshipped Jesus. To relive the words that I chose on one of the darkest days in my life years before. To see in Him all that I need or want.  To find in His presence the assurance and love that I seek. As I looked at my phone after my moment of showing Him the ultimate level of faith (genuine praise in a time of storm) I saw this on my phone:

Hey gorgeous. I am going to lay down now. I hope that you slept well. I really like you and cherish you.

Amazing how good God is :) I had, in my time of praise fully given this guy over to God, to let Him know that no matter what, I worship Him, and that was my wonderful gift. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for this man. Thank You for Your wonderful ways. Thank You for this man who is what I need.

Thank You that my moment of worship came BEFORE the answer… that once again, you gave me a chance to show my faith and that it is founded on You, the Rock.

Rebekah M.

Single and Seeking

CoupleI have previously mentioned on this blog that there is a lack of single Christian men in my church. To be precise, there are zero single Christian men in my local congregation. The truth is that there is a serious lack of single Christian men in the American church at large. A 2011 PEW Research study showed that there are eight single women for every one single man in the average congregation. Being a long time single with few talents and little beauty, that’s a pretty disconcerting statistic. How I could ever attract a man over the barrage of other single women available is beyond me. It is beyond me, but it is not beyond God. Yet the harsh reality is that unless things drastically change in the makeup of the church, there is a large number of women in churches today that may never marry.

For a long time I assumed that if I loved God and waited patiently, that He would just send the right man to me. My husband would just show up. The Bible says, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing” (Proverbs 18:22), which implies to me that the husband does the finding. He should pursue after his bride. Therefore, I’ve never looked for a husband. I’ve longed for one, but not actively looked for one. But recently, a member of my church opened my eyes to the fact that my future husband cannot find me if I don’t position myself in a place to be found. The Bible doesn’t just say to ask, it also tells us to seek and knock (Matthew 7:7). I had asked for a spouse, but I hadn’t really sought for one. While I take all of Matthew 7:7 to be a reference to prayer, there is a difference between asking and seeking. Seeking implies some kind of action. The sister in my church asked me what I had done, what actions had I taken in finding a spouse. Not many. I have prayed. I have been faithful. I have waited patiently in the pew for almost eleven years for my husband to walk through those doors.

If we were to compare this search to looking for a needle in haystack (which is what it feels like), I have mostly just circled repeatedly around the same haystack expecting the needle to suddenly reveal itself to me. I have not dug down into the haystack pulling out individual straws in my search. I felt that actually looking through the straws meant I was not trusting God to reveal the needle to me. If it’s His will for me to be married, He will send a man to me, right? Well, yes, and no. He will send me a partner when the time is right, but it’s not likely to happen without any participation on my part. In the Bible, Rebekah had to participate by watering the servant’s camels. Ruth’s participation was even bolder. Ruth purposely went to Boaz (at Naomi’s suggestion) and uncovered his feet while he was sleeping, and lay upon his feet. I won’t take the time to go into the historical significance of what she was actually doing, but it was very forward. She was clearly making her intentions known to Boaz. She wasn’t passively waiting for him, she actively went to him.

This brings me to where I am now. Along with the sister who helped me to see that beyond asking, I should also seek and knock, several other well-meaning Christians have recently asked me what I have actively done to find a spouse. In another post I will expand on some of the things I have done and am doing to try to place myself in a better position to be found. I have sought to form a closer relationship with God, worked out a hidden root of bitterness over the way my last relationship ended, and went through a very intense spiritual battle to fortify myself against a particular weakness I have.

Reluctantly, I have also made myself a little more visible on social media. None of the other things I’ve done do me much practical good when there aren’t any prospects in my church (or even in my district), so I decided I needed to do something to widen the circle. This is fraught with a lot of uncertainty and not a few painful rejections. I’ve seriously been considering going back into hiding, but then I think of Rebekah M and her new found interest who she met through social media and I think perhaps it’s worth trying to stick it out awhile longer. I haven’t quite figured out where the line is between not doing enough and pushing too hard. In the end, it’s up to God. I still believe when I am ready and the timing is right, He will send me a companion. Until then, may God grant me the grace to keep waiting.

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

The Blessing of Being Me

In this time of  giving thanks I cannot help but write this post (from my phone so forgive any errors)  about my recent blessing of the new man in my life. 

To be honest,  this is the first time that when I write about a guy in my life,  I feel the most appropriate way to say it is using the term man. He has been through so much and yet has no bitterness and no unhealed wounds (son with spina bifida which causes him to not be able to walk and had had multiple surgeries in his short life already and divorce because his wife cheated on him and then remarried to the guy she cheated with the very month the divorce was finalized despite him truly fighting for their marriage for months until God told him she’d never change her mind).  He attributes it to God.  I hold him up to the list that my brother and sister in law encouraged me to make and it still stands (although it is still VERY early I will admit). 

The big thing though,  what I like the most,  is that I feel SO free to be my favorite version of me.  With work friends I might seem tougher or with world friends I might mention God but not have the luxury of expounding on the things of God as much and stick to common topics .  With this guy however,  I can be every favorite part of myself and I feel he not only likes it,  but cherishes it.  He even calls me “little ninja”  (a personal joke that many tolerate but it feels like he embraces it).  I have never in my life felt this pursued and comfortable.  He quotes back scripture to me like how I do him,  he  and I had a discussion on football and he liked that! (a previous boyfriend had told me he hated my  “guy side”),  he tells me often that I’m beautiful,  gorgeous,  amazing from the inside out  and I believe he means it! 

Time will tell if this lasts longer.  God will either remove him from my life to protect one,  the other,  or both of us  or…  He’ll  say it’s okay.  He won’t stop what is happening if this is His Will and boy,  at this point I sure do hope so because I would be so blessed beyond measure if I could end up with a man who does what this man has been doing –  making me feel even more happy and assured of who I am –  that all the little bits of me can be  appreciated by one person.  Someone who is gentle,  sweet,  Godly,  a servants heart,  and works to make me smile.  He works hard to make ends meet by working three jobs and he doesn’t even care that some may find at least one of them a job that some might find  degrading (dishwasher at a restaurant).  It shows such humbleness and assurance that his worth is in Christ- which is what I need in a man given that I’m a doctor and likely will make more money than many males in general. 

So Jesus, 
While some are thankful for other things,  among the  MANY  things I am thankful for,  I thank you for this blessing of a man who allows me to be the most happy,  full,  free  version of me.  One who can randomly sing a church song to match the conversation,  who send scriptures of encouragement and it’s received gratefully,  who can chat football /comic books /video games  and its  considered awesome,  who can show her love and devotion for You and it is found to make her even more beautiful in his eyes.

Thank You Jesus, 
Rebekah M