First Day

Rebekah M. is currently on a Medical Missions trip in Western Europe. She gave me (Rebekah L) permission to post this reflection she wrote chronicling her first day of the clinic on her behalf. Her access to wifi is limited, but we hope to be hearing more about her trip as it progresses!

As I’m winding down from my first day in clinic,  I can’t help but reflect on such a crazy day.  It seems the people of the village think at times that we can offer better than their own system and although they may get better access to us, some have come in methotrexate for their RA, x-rays for their back,  and even problems with their legs after a stroke,  hoping we American doctors can do better.  It is hard to come to a place of recognizing I have nothing to offer.  I had one patient who had no desire to live and the only thing I could offer her was prayer and the promise that God loves her.  With tears in my  eyes,  I told her of how I too had been in a place of wishing I was dead and how God had been my strength.

It is weird both in acknowledging that I had that time in my life but too… To use it to reach out to a patient in which I have nothing else to offer her.  Honestly…  The time in my life still feels so fresh,  the rawness of it still lingers.  I had no plans to kill myself,  just no plans to protect myself from death. In my heart I welcomed it.  I wanted to be dead.  But God gave me a hope and a dream.

Today I did the morning devotional and spoke of meeting our daily appointment with God- a chance to minister to a soul and in doing so live the words of Jesus how in ministering to others,  we are actually ministering to Him. I challenged myself and implored to others in joining me in meeting that appointment.

I think she was one of them and I pray my words reached her.

My final thought from today is from my favorite moment of the day- the Ukrainian counterparts of the team led night worship and it was amazing.  So passionate and full of life,  I loved seeing and hearing God worshiped in a language I didn’t know,  yet I completely understood and joined with in the spirit.

Thank You Jesus for this day. 
Thank You for my appointments with You. 
Thank You for this abundant life.

-Rebekah M.

Lover of God

Tonight I went to church youth conference service and God dealt with me. I have been putting stupid little things like phone games above God. I spent more time on them than in prayer/reading the Bible. I wake up every morning at five am to read and pray and yet still, I spent more time on those things. There is also a sin that I have struggled with for years. Lately I’ve been praying it more and more out of my life asking God to help me but tonight, I laid it on the “alter” and do not want it back. I asked God to clean my heart out completely so that He could fill it up so much that I overflow. I want to be a wellspring for Him. I want Him to be the thing I want most and show it in how I spend my time. I want Him to be number one in my life.

Putting Him first, making Him my most,
Rebekah M.

Prayer Monday: Help Me Oh Lord

Jesus,

My heart needs Your complete healing. What guy had done… I had loved him, I really did. I rarely let my heart go to that level because I rarely let guys in but it’s almost as if once they get past my defenses I just let go and love deeply and completely. He is only the second man that I had ever told I loved and I had planned on it staying at that. Here I sit now- heart having been broken- knowing that these pieces don’t hurt anymore, but I’m not whole yet. Make it a mosiac once again. A beautiful artwork laced with your mercy, grace, and love. Help me use that to extend grace and love to him who hurt me (maybe not romantically, whatever YOUR will Lord). He sent me a picture yesterday of him wearing the bowtie I sent him before everything fell apart… I’m not 100% sure what that means… if it was his way to say he still likes me.

Lord, help me rest in YOUR assurances. To know that in YOU everything will be okay.  At some point he and I need to have a heart to heart- if he wants to make things work. He needs to know how much I don’t trust him but how much I really want to. He doesn’t even know how much I had been feeling he was flirting around but I ignored it since I believed him incapable of what felt akin to cheating since he had told me he had loved me just a few short weeks before.

How does one believe someone who had said those precious words and then silently taken them back without any warning but still wouldn’t let me go either? How does one get over the deep sense of humiliation and betrayal? I had essentially fought with one of my best friends the night before I found out about his actions for TWO HOURS, defending him, defending why I thought he was worth it… while he was flirting with a different friend of mine talking about how he didn’t have a chance with her.  How can I ever trust such a man again?

So Lord,

I place this in Your hands.  I want him back in my life, if You will. I miss him very much and I KNOW who he COULD be… but his actions of the past scare me into ever trusting him again.  Part of me knows if he would just scream to the world he had found me and would never let me go, to make sure it was blatantly obvious to anyone and everyone looking at his facebook and in person that he had a woman he loved…. then I could trust him again. Then I would know… but how to get from here to there? He has trust issues too- his ex-wife did such a number on him and it was obvious it was a big driving force behind his awful actions.

You’ll have to navigate… if we’re even supposed to be together again.  You’ll have to be what makes that possible for all I see is a giant whole where our relationship once was, shattered pieces of my heart, and eyes that feel so disillusioned, so broken- how could I have been so blind to the fact he was sneaking around behind my back- seeking attention from other women? and for what? He gambled with my affections the way he did and in the end he lost. Lost my trust, lost my heart, lost my love.

Can you taken this brokenness between us and fix it? Can You rebuild what his hands broke? Part of me so badly wants You to, the other half is too scared to hope. Lord… help me just focus on Your kingdom and the work I have ahead of me both for this world and Yours for my medical missions trip to a European country in desperate need of medical care is coming up at the end of the month and I need to be spiritually/physically prepared. Lord, help me focus on Your Kingdom in this time of confusion, when all I want to do is drown out the noise in my head/heart and let the days roll on by.

Help me live courageously in You,

Rebekah M.

The Root

This week has been one of my toughest that I’ve ever had emotionally. I have hidden it well from many but Monday night I had a death wish and it lingered for days. I was truly oppressed for sure. No appetite. I was sobbing uncontrollably for almost an hour Monday night… just so deeply wishing I was dead. I actually told God that too… my slate was clean, why couldn’t I just die before I could sin again and before anyone else could hurt me.

Yesterday, my prayer partner and I were on the phone together for something she needed prayer for and I finally confessed these feelings and practically begged her to just pray over me… and finally I started getting a release. I was BETTER after Monday night… but the thoughts continued randomly- especially when I was driving or home alone. Thoughts of how it would be fine if a freak drunk driver accident happened to me, a freak train coming out of no where, carbon monoxide poisening etc…. Never actually had any intentions to do anything… just no desire to fight for my life should something bad have happened at the time.

Don’t get me wrong- I believe suicide is the worst thing you can do to your family. My cousin committed suicide and the pain that took YEARS to heal.. I would never want to inflict that on anyone else.

However… as I said- I believe I as oppressed… the thoughts would come uninvited and it would just be ways that I could die that wouldn’t be my fault and how I really didn’t mind it.

But GOD.

I found out my prayer partner and God sister were called on Monday to fast for me and my prayer partner was even in deep intercession for me around the same time the thoughts started.  While talking to/praying with my prayer partner yesterday though we figured out that a big root of problem was that much of my life I have had some wound inflicted that has left me feeling easily forgotten, abandoned, and unprotected.  Were any of those things true for my childhood- no- and yet I know in my heart that these are deep, deep roots. Why does anyone hurt at times? There are times we doctors can’t tell our patients the source of the problem, just potential ways to help it get better (and sometimes not even that- sometimes the only one with the answers is God Himself).

Jesus,

Thank You that in Your love You sent people to fast/pray for me in my hour of need. Thank You that I know You are my protector, You will never abandon, You will never leave me behind.

Rebekah M.

The Perfect Mate- Jesus is my Picard

I love Star Trek- most of all The Next Generation. In Season 5 there is an episode of a woman who had been hidden originally in a carrier and was released early by some aliens who were trying to steal her for she was of great worth. You see, she was the perfect woman. Able to tell and adapt to the needs of any man she was with and if she bonded with a man, she would forever be perfect for only him. If he was good, upstanding, compassionate, and kind so would she.  If he was ruthless, full of wrath, and greedy- so would she become. By the end of the episode, this woman decided to bond (not in flesh) with Picard because she most liked who she was when she was with him and wanted to be the best version of who she could. She would still go on to marry someone else for the peace of two worlds, but that man would not influence who she was at her core. She still had the ability to tell what that man liked, but the choices of her actions would be weighed against the set of morals created in her by bonding with captain Picard.

All my life I have searched for a man to love. Even from a young age I read novel after novel of good Christian men loving women and despite all the problems in their way, they always ended up together through God’s grace.  I have so desperately wanted that kind of love story- one in which Christ clearly was the matchmaker and in which he and I would be a living example of Christ and the church. To have a man who would love me THAT MUCH that I could submit to him knowing that he would put my needs above his own.

Lately, when I think of that guy I’ve thought of that episode and just not understood how he could play with our relationship so lightly when I was willing to adjust my habits/thinking for him (for times he said an action scared him or reminded him of his ex wife). To be who he needed, even in his broken state. But this morning, I felt God ask to be my Picard. To finally, officially choose to mold myself after Him like she did with my favorite TV captain. There is no greater man to try to mold my heart and soul after than Him. There is no one who will ever love me greater than Him. If I make Him my perfect mate- the One that I mold myself after- I can still marry another here on earth but he will not influence me at my core. I will always be my favorite version of myself if I bond with Jesus as she did Picard.

Jesus,

Help me mold my heart to You. Help me be love, purity, holiness, meekness, joy, and more. Let me bear the fruit of Galations 5:22-23. Help me stand on Your Word and believe that I can be a new creature in You. Help me believe that even with other guys in my past, YOU are my true heart. YOU are the one I am my best self with and solidify me in You so that no man can influence that.

Molding to Jesus,

Rebekah M.

Prayer Monday- This World Is NOT my Home

Today…. I helped remind a patient that God loves her- she cried as she told me she had felt God reached down to her today through me. Today I had my appointment with God and met it. Last night I sent an email apology to that guy for a moment I felt God telling me I deeply wounded him. Today, I apologized to that co-worker that I’ve never gotten along with.

So on my way home I just…. so desperately asked God… why can’t I just… not be here anymore. I cleaned my slate so why couldn’t God just take me while my slate was clean? Not that I want to kill myself just…. a deep longing to just… not be here because in heaven, no one can touch me. No one can hurt me. No one can break my heart again.

With Him there is perfect love. With Him, there is no crying, no sorrow, no pain.

But…. I know He has a purpose and a plan for me- that I must submit everything into His hands and so here and now Lord, I submit the deep longing that my life was just over and ask You to turn even this into good. To stand in faith in Romans 8:28 that all things can work together for my good. I am SURE that part of it is because of how I reach that patient today. I touched her heart and reminded her of Your love Jesus. I submit to the fact that since I’m still here I must have a reason for it so just… mold me, make me what You want. Help me to go where You want me to go. Show me the open door that You’ve been talking to my soul about for over a week now.  Renew the joy of salvation. I had made myself get up and dance before you in worship- not from any feeling, but because in all times You are worthy so once again Lord, I say:

YOU ARE WORTHY OF PRAISE OH MY LORD GOD JESUS CHRIST! YOU ARE WORTHY OF PRAISE EVEN WHEN MY HEART IS DONE. YOU ARE WORTH OF PRAISE IN THE DEEPEST PARTS OF THE STORM.

Worshiping Him and standing on His Word full of promises,

Rebekah M.

The Wave is Coming

There is an excitement in my soul. I cannot begin to express it all. The complete truth of what is about to unfold I just… I can’t wrap my mind around everything… all I know is that I feel an urging in God to believe that He is my God of hope. He is coming in power as He promised. He will honor everything I have sacrificed. He will honor my heart that beats for Him. He will wash everything away so greatly I will stand in awe as the work of His hands.

Lord,

Do it oh God! Do what ever it is you desire! Let my life just be yours! Jesus… let every one of my preconceived ideas wash away as YOU make my life what it should be! Help wash off scales from my eyes. Help me be whatever you want for me and be with whomever You choose for me. I will go with Eleazar if you send him.

Rebekah M.