Choosing to Worship… Again.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer last week.

They told me last night and my mind has been swirling ever since. I can’t imagine my life without my parents. It has felt as if the tears would never end at times. It has felt at moments like I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

Yet Jesus.

I cannot begin to explain to you just how frustrating it is to be a doctor but know I’m not the right kind of doctor to fully comprehend what my dad’s prognosis is. There are SO many factors that play into it and yet I feel God beckon me to stop looking at the “5 year survival rates” and stop trying to analyze what are his chances to make it to 70. I feel Him say to me to trust in Him.

For anyone who might have been with us in the beginning back in 2012, I started this blog and invited my friends to join me because I went through a horrible break up with my first boyfriend. I felt my world shatter at that time since I had stayed away from boys much of my life and finally, finally when I let one in he tore my heart to shreds. But God told me in that time that I could either keep crying/fearing/doubting or I could get up and worship Him. Choose to worship- the ultimate form of showing trust in the worst of times. Now, it is my world feeling as if it could splinter again, but this time I feel God assuring me “I have you all.”

That assurance in the time of storm is priceless. He truly can give peace that passes understanding. I oscillate between crying and laughter. Emotions raw at the surface. But every time the balance starts tipping towards hysteria or worry, I feel Him pull me back- my lifeline. I had a panic attack last night… I could not stop the ever increasing breaths that just wouldn’t stop their accelerated pace. At one point I thought I would never be able to breathe normal again and then I felt God whisper to me “I have you” and suddenly there was a huge release and I could breathe again. He reached down and pulled me up from the sea of fear that I was drowning in.

Most amazing of all to me? My parents. I was talking to my mom since God has opened the door for me to be home while dad’s having the surgery and their big concern in all this was? The three chinese ministries they’re involved with and what would happen while dad is recovering from major surgery. They were thankful to God that each will be on a break at the same time (unintended to be coincidental) and pointed out His hand in all of it.

What amazing people.

I can only hope to have that heart for God like my parents have one day. To look horrible situations in the eye and instead worry about His kingdom. But while I am still learning; while I am still growing in Him, I will choose to worship my way through this situation. I will choose to worship my way out of the tears and fear.

I choose to worship Jesus.

Rebekah M.



Something I’ve been struggling with has been how broken I have felt after the last guy I was talking to turned around and married someone else four months after he last told me he loved me. I had even asked him to get permission from my dad and pastor to date me even though I was thirty because I believe in honoring the authority in my life.

Long story short, it was revealed that he was flirting with multiple other women at the same time to the point one felt the need to send me screen shots of his texts since she knew my side of things. I have felt SO duped. A complete and utter fool especially since on a night where he was telling one he was so sad he didn’t have a chance with my friend, I was fighting with my best friend on why he was worth my time because financially, degree-wise, and many other “wise” she felt he was vastly inferior to me.

I have been struggling ever since though with the thought of dating guys; to trust I’m not going to get played again so badly. I lost ALL hope that God could ever want for me a good, Godly man when the last one seemed so promising (seriously? He really did ask my dad and pastor to date me) and turned out to be such a monster towards me.

Lately there has been a (sort of) new guy in my life who laughs when I say I think I’m going to be a UPC nun- sure that I won’t be, who has gone out of his way many times to see me/get to know me better, who wants me to believe as he does- that God loves us enough to have someone for each of us.

God then for the next week pushed the concept of reviving hope and promises in our lives through sermons and multiple people. I even fasted this past Monday, seeking a revival in hope in my heart. This week has felt much more blessed that I have felt in a long time. When perusing Facebook, I saw the above photo and felt so strongly this is what God does with us. He bonds our brokenness with His blood (the product of his stripes) and in place of our wounds is such beauty that we never could have imagined. I’m thankful for a God who truly can give us beauty for ashes!!!! :)

Hopeful in Him,

Rebekah M.

Seeking Jesus

As I was in morning worship time in my room I did this thing that has worked for me in the past- I opened my Bible asking God to speak to me- I felt God say that’s not how He wanted to talk to me. I did it a second time when it didn’t make sense, however, and got this horrible verse on false prophets. I felt God say again, this is not how He wanted to communicate with me. I felt to go to my phone where a song about hope was just starting to play. It felt so strongly like God was personally telling me it’s time to hope again. As the song concluded I saw one of my many journals that I have put to the wayside but knew my list of attributes of a future husband are and decided to read it. It floored me how, so far, I can say almost all are essentially true of this newest man (that I know of so far).

  1. Love God above all else
  2. humble, but not hiding- knowing true humbleness is not that the spotlight is not on us, it is that regardless of where the spotlight is, our focus is on God (he plays drums at his church and is a youth worker/leader)
  3. willing to go anywhere in the world at any time for God’s Kingdom, for His Will; a giver of self, heart, home for God (we discussed his moving because of feeling God’s Will was not where he was at the time in a different part of the world)
  4. a rock in prayer- one who has a history of seeking Him for all things
  5. he will lead in purity
  6. a man who knows God’s Word intimately
  7. listens to preaching outside of church (the last CD in his car when we rode together to a restaurant)
  8. keeps his word
  9. does not hold back money from God but freely gives, also believing that if we freely give to His Kingdom, He provides, but is still good with finances
  10. an explorer- in food, in Christian music, in experiences
  11. calls me beautiful every day (okay, this one he doesn’t do but we’re still just getting to know each other!)
  12. loves the outdoors, is active (VERY VERY TRUE!)
  13. good with kids- wants them to serve God- especially his future children
  14. will not be alone with a woman unless in a public place (ie coffee shop just the two)- car rides are ok
  15. knows his worth is in Christ
  16. wants to share his life with me
  17. protects my heart and the heart of others

Then the next journal entry from 8/30/14 REALLY just… floored me and I had to share. I will leave you with these words that just left me sobbing in thankfulness to this amazing God of ours:

I have had a silence with God. Pulling away for my heart has hurt from feeling rejected by men. Manipulated, easily forgotten, cheap. But as I prayed for my church in desperation just now – having resolved to stop this [silence] because He is the one protecting me from those who just don’t know me like He does, I felt Him tell me to write down His Words:

You are my precious beloved. Don’t you see, I cannot just give you away to just anyone. Your soul is a rare one. You are rejuvenated by serving others. The only reward your heart truly wants is a thanks and to know their life is somehow better. My precious beloved jewel, you are so busy seeking how others might perceive you and why you might have been rejected in the past that you cannot see My hand that blocked you from those that do not share the dream you have for your life. I LOVE YOU my beloved. You cannot understand the depths of my pain during your silent suffering without me nor the joy I have had in your determination to return. To find your place at the “Well of the God who Sees Me” for I do see you my beloved. I do see you and you have to believe that I only withhold a husband because there is more to do. My kingdom needs you as is right now. Your heart needs to grow more. It needs to embrace the fact that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL IN MY SIGHT. My beloved, don’t you see? I would bring you breakfast in bed, buy you flowers so you’d have them daily on your table and I daily tell you you are beautiful but until such a man can do so for you in person, I will protect you- even from yourself. You so easily give your heart. I love you for your selfless heart. I desire and jealously guard your precious, beautiful heart. Do not be upset when I send boys away who do not deserve it. You, at your best, are the best parts of Ruth, Esther, and Rebekah- these powerful women inspired you and helped shape who you are but not their bad mistakes. Seek Me first. Bask in My presence. In time you will finally meet him- in MY time. Despair not. Rejoice that your future is secure in me.

Rebekah M.

Related Verse:

Jeremiah 29:11

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A Dog in the House of God

As I sit in my flight back from California, I think of last night as the new guy and I said goodnight.

It has been so long since I’ve been on a date. It has been so long since I’ve had a man look at me the way he did. It has felt like an eternity since my heart has felt like maybe I could hope.

The last guy did such a number on me. The compilation of men in my life continued to wear me down until the last one just broke me. To ask both my father and my pastor for the right to date me, tell me he loved me multiple times even when I confessed my biggest mistake, but then sneak around behind my back and secretly entertain multiple other women while he knew I was being exclusive for him broke me.

As we said goodbye I couldn’t do anything but pray for him as we held hands over his heart. As I prayed I asked God to break things off if it was not His Will we be together but if so, to show this man his blueprints and give him strength and wisdom to go about building the foundation for us.

During the prayer though I poured out my heart in terms of asking God to help me believe that He could have good things for me because so often I feel I am a dog in His house. It wasn’t until I said those words that I felt the deep truth of it.

I feel like an imposter. Not a Child of the King, but a dog. Unwanted, mangy scrap. I am obedient and follow His rules so by principal He lives up to the promises set forth in His Word when we live by them but I have not felt in such a very long time like His beloved child.

I know He saved me from many bad situations with guys; sadly the vast majority of them being guys in the church. I know I should be happy and grateful for it but so often I just feel ugly, unwanted, unworthy, unnoticed, unprotected.

But this man… He looks at me with a very similar look that the guy who wasn’t in church did. His patience with me on our hikes even though he’s much more fit is sweet. His simple “you’re worth it” when I thanked him for driving 75 mins each way to come get me to drive another 60 mins to hang out in the biggest local city rang with a sincerity that still brings tears to my eyes as I type this.

I so deeply want to hope but I’m not fully ready yet. I need him to be steady with his attention. To pace himself with me because too often guys have flown into my life and just as quickly disappeared.

In the mean time, I seek to learn to feel different with regards to God. To learn to take my place as His child. To take up the crown He’s given me and use it to make a positive difference in this world.

Learning to be His Child,
Rebekah M


I tried to tell him tonight about just how badly guys in the church have hurt me in the past and instead ended up just crying and hiding in my sweatshirt.

I finally was able to just wipe the tears away and we changed the subject but I just…  It floors me that he could be real.  I have been SO duped by guys who claim Christ and yet have portrayed very little of Him when interacting with me. 

The best part is I know his family.  I know who he comes from and his family is a VERY honorable,  good family.  I believe him because I believe in his family who are good Godly people. 

Finding hope when I thought all my hope was lost, 

Rebekah M

A First

I’ve been told by more than one person in my past that not kissing is a deal breaker.  That no guy would date me since I have a conviction against kissing before the alter. 

Then…  Tonight. 

I met this guy at my brother’s church a year ago and have been interested in him since but nothing came of it.  We hung out Saturday in San Francisco and again tonight.  After eating dinner with everyone he took me back to my brothers place and we talked.  I told him I liked him and thought he liked me too…  Which he agreed. Then I confessed that I can’t kiss. 

At first he was confused.  We weren’t officially dating so yeah,  we shouldn’t be kissing while getting to know each other.  Then he asked me since he wasn’t trying to get anything from me so why would he disappear (when I kept asking if he was going to disappear now that I confessed my conviction)? It finally dawned on me he was saying that he was trying to get to know ME not my physical body,  but ME so even if I can’t kiss until “things are much more serious” (his words) he’s okay with that.  If anything he seemed to like that! 

Even if this ends up being nothing,  I’m thankful.  I actually almost started crying on him right then and there.  Someone like him exists! IN THE CHURCH!  He’s real folks and for now,  we’re both on the same page of getting to know one another better!  :) 

Pleasantly,  thankful to God to be,  surprised, 

Rebekah M. 


As I prepare for my latest trip to california to see my beloved nephew, I can’t help but feel drawn to write some things down. I have been rather…. I don’t even know how to fully explain it. I’m not broken per say, I’ve just been… numb. I have had SO much work to do. It has felt like chaos swirling around me. I have done a 22hr shift only to go back 4hrs later to help deliver a baby but we ended up doing a C-section 6hours later.

There have been a mix of guys in my life who some have come and gone, some seem to want to step things up a little perhaps, and even someone new who has just truly brightened my last few days.

I am so lost as to what I should do about all this. One guy and I have had tentative plans to meet up Saturday and the last time we did felt very much like a date but… he rarely ever speaks with me when we’re not face-to-face. I had a horrendous day yesterday and I didn’t even bother trying to message him about it because I couldn’t trust that he’d care enough to reply. It’s almost like a lack of even a friendship.

Another guy is looking to drive HOURS to hang out with a group, knowing I might be there. Is he there just for the group or at least partially to finally meet me? All I know is that he posted in our mutual group on facebook his Ms calendar month nominations for Sept-Dec and made me Ms December with the following description:

Beautiful, nerdy, bakes me cookies, she saves people (DR), she kills people (XBOX), prays for me, sexy, and although she doesnt have kids yet, they will be cute because she’s Asain.

We had had plans to meet up before but they fell through when I was asked to cover the medicine service that same day and I knew I wouldn’t get away until late (typically a 12-14hr day when I’m covering inpatient medicine).

Then this new man… I don’t know. Perhaps he wants nothing more than friendship and part of me is fine with that. It is definitely WAY too early to be making any decisions beyond getting to know him better but I continue to like what I do know and find myself feeling more and more like a fly to honey. He’s actually the inspiration behind my posting- because something we talked about reminded me about some of my old posts. I wanted to send him one of them where God had truly worked on helping me move beyond my stage of just feeling so horrendously ugly.

I don’t think anyone has ever truly known or understood just how much I have felt truly as if I were an unwanted, mockable monster. One to be shamed and overlooked. One not worthy of love. I really do think that’s why I did so much with the guys in my past (can I truly say I’m still waiting for marriage when often I feel like I’ve done everything but that one single act?)- because it felt at the time like they were validating that I’m not ugly.

I can still remember the looks one of them gave me on our first date… I have never felt so adored before then or since him. A man who didn’t believe there is a God, but so full of charity, generosity, kindness, and FUN! We laughed so much while exploring this beautiful world God created (hiking many different trails), similar humor, and he was just so very smart in non-traditional things like archery, mountain climbing, and building.

But God doesn’t want me to seek a man for validation; I will NEVER be fulfilled in looking to a human for such. I think it’s a big part of why, even when I had about 3-4 guys all talking to me at once for a while, I just couldn’t really seem to want to push beyond friendship with any of them. Even now, I just can’t seem to want to push for anything more with any of them. Part of it at this point is because this new guy truly has me so intrigued. Maybe he sees me as nothing more than a new friend, I won’t cry over spilled milk when there are other guys showing interest, but part of me feels like I want to keep getting to know him. To keep him in my life since he makes me laugh so much and, to be honest, I find his pictures (and we accidentally videochatted the other day- long story) VERY attractive. But it goes beyond just because I think he looks hot- I’ve been slipping spiritually and even already we’ve both starting hold each other accountable to morning prayer. We can talk about God easily while also making each other laugh about silly things like grumpy cat. When I had to deal with a HORRIBLE patient the other day, I sent him a message asking him if he had a way to make me laugh. He immediately responded with the perfect thing!

It may end up as nothing, I hope it at least ends up with a solid friendship.

So what to do in the mean time? Just live. I’m going to get on that plane in a few hours and hold my sweet nephew in my arms soon enough and just breathe. I will choose to praise Him when I’m confused. I will choose to worship Him while things swirl. I will choose to lift up the name of Jesus in this time of contemplation.

Rebekah M.