So guy and I had our first disagreement and, because I have had a fear all week (irrationally) that he was going to walk away from me and was ashamed of me and didn’t want people outside of his close network knowing about me, the whole time I waited for him to just walk away from me. As we talked things out I found something so key to my world and unlocked it once again.
My amazing man may not look like much on paper (minimum wage jobs, no formal education that produced certificates/degrees, bad apartment in a bad neighborhood, hard financial situation) but he is SO much more than his circumstances just as we all our. God has created this sweet, kind, caring, wonderful man who works hard- many times going from his overnight job that goes from 10PM-6AM to his physically demanding day job from 7AM-4PM with maybe a 30 minute nap in between. Two days a week he’ll then go pick up his son (divorced for a year and a half, she asked for it and remarried the same month they got divorced but through Christ is not bitter about it) and cherish every moment of the two hours he has with him and every other week he throws everything aside to show his son how much he loves him unconditionally. And he still finds a way to greet me every “morning” and talk to me throughout.
However- I have been walking on egg shells all week- so afraid he’ll just poof and disappear like the other guys- not because of who he is- but because of some weird feeling that I’m “cursed.” That something about me must cause two of the more major guys in my life (4 guys although I technically could say 5 but that 5th one was someone I continually described as “underwhelming” and shouldn’t have tried to date in the first place if I felt that way) to disappear/give up at six weeks.
And this man… this is the first man that I’ve cared about in a LONG time. I care so deeply for him, to be honest I care for him more than I did even my first boyfriend and it’s barely been seven weeks… it’s scary. What if he’s not as invested in this as me? What if he doesn’t still find me attractive? What if he finds someone closer to him (2000+ miles between us)? So the fears piled up and instead of giving them to God, I splintered more and more each day last week. Finally, I prayed some of it out… enough to feel ready to tell him. And then we had a misunderstanding… in a mutual group we are in on facebook I posted a picture of myself (“selfiesunday”) and I said something about him stealing my heart trying to show the guys on there to back off since I’m kind of taken… and he, having felt that his ex-wife was stolen from him and more especially that his time with his son has been stolen from him by the bad, ungodly actions of others, denied stealing it. He did not qualify with any other claim on me, just that he doesn’t steal.
I felt so rejected. I felt abandoned. I felt unsheltered.
Was that his intention, no. But I have been waiting for him to claim me openly for a while now. He’s asked my father and my pastor the right to date me and they gave their consent, but he knows I wish he’d see me in person to ask me to be his girlfriend. To me, it’s more a formality of a bond I already feel… but it’s a formality I prefer in person. And so it seems that he’s become worried that I would walk away when we meet in person just as I am also concerned that he’ll walk away from me after we meet in person…
But our God is NOT a God of fear.
We talked things out a bit last night. I had put my heart out there. Explained to him that as the man he is the leader. He can lead to love but he can also lead to insecurity. He must find his security in Christ for as he follows Christ, I follow after him. Yet too… if he does not lead to Christ but to fear and concern of inadequacy, so am I led to such things. We left things off sharing much more than we had in a bit but also having said we were both still in this… but still I could not help but wake up with concern.
So I got up and worshipped Jesus. To relive the words that I chose on one of the darkest days in my life years before. To see in Him all that I need or want. To find in His presence the assurance and love that I seek. As I looked at my phone after my moment of showing Him the ultimate level of faith (genuine praise in a time of storm) I saw this on my phone:
Hey gorgeous. I am going to lay down now. I hope that you slept well. I really like you and cherish you.
Amazing how good God is :) I had, in my time of praise fully given this guy over to God, to let Him know that no matter what, I worship Him, and that was my wonderful gift. Thank You Jesus. Thank You for this man. Thank You for Your wonderful ways. Thank You for this man who is what I need.
Thank You that my moment of worship came BEFORE the answer… that once again, you gave me a chance to show my faith and that it is founded on You, the Rock.