Archive | March 2012

The Forks in the Road (Looking Out for Isaac)

As April fast approaches I find myself unsure of what to do. For weeks I anticipated the month rolling in and being super excited and ready to start my new dating life. Although there are two really wonderful guys in my life right now (and they know about each other and that I don’t know who I want to win more yet), it seems there are a few who are trying to throw their hat in the race and I just don’t know. I genuinely like these two front runners but which to choose? What if they’re like pappa and mamma bear porridge? What I’m looking for but something’s just a little off? How will I even know since right now both seem like pretty good choices?

In times like these I feel like the only thing I can do is let God figure it out for me. He told me back in February that they’d sort themselves all out and so I just have to trust that they will. When I come to a fork in the road (or perhaps MANY forks in the road haa haa) I want to choose NOW and not deviate and just keep pushing forward. As one of the guys is discovering, I’m incredibly stubborn. It’s a good thing when it comes to things that are commitments (such as finishing up medical school), but bad when flexibility is necessary.

Talking with some of the girls from church last night, it really made me recommit the idea of looking for an Isaac. I truly do want a man who loves and trust God so much that he’d willingly lay down his life at his Father’s command. As Isaac was a foreshadowing for Christ when he obeyed his father and got on the alter, so should our husbands be a reflection of Christ in our life (as we are to be of the church).

Isaac was also known as a well digger. I want a man so full of Jesus that everyone around him is uplifted just being around him. I want his life to so reflect Christ that he becomes a well to those around him who are seeking God’s everlasting water. I need a man who is so full of Christ that more than just patiently waiting for me to work through my fears (like my ex tried to do at first), he’d lead me in prayer when I have fears. It has always been my deepest fear that any guy who gets close to me will suddenly think I’m ugly and horrific (on the inside and out). Interestingly enough, when it would seem my ex did just that, instead I feel like he just ran away because of his own fears.

The question needs to be asked then… am I the Rebekah that a man like that is looking for? Have I allowed good fruits to be cultivated within myself (with God as the gardener)? Am I becoming a Proverbs 31 woman? Will my future children call me blessed and my future husband praise me?

Jesus,

I ask You now to help me once again lay these guys in Your hands. I don’t know who is better suited for me. I keep wondering if they’re going to just ditch me like my ex did. I keep waiting for them to just leave me in their dust as unwanted trash. Alay my fears and help me just focus on my daily tasks. Renew in me my commitment to growing in You and in becoming the kind of woman that the kind of man I’m looking for wants. I need Your strength, I need Your wisdom, I need Your help, I need You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Bringing it Back

Mar28

Lately, I’ve felt like I’m slacking a bit. I have just had a harder time praying and fasting like when I NEEDED to just to survive my day from all the pain my ex leaving me created. However, I just don’t want to live complacently. The “norm” isn’t good enough. I want more of Jesus; more of Him in my life. I want to be a witness and a light for Him. This morning I made myself get up and pray before going to work and I read my daily bread before the first office visit. I had almost forgotten what it was like to just bask in His presence. I’m a great cheerleader for those who want to do so, but sometimes it’s hard to get myself to do the same. Today, however, I just prayed this morning just to give Him my day. Just to say “Jesus, I submit my day to You.” It was so wonderful to sit in His presence again, just to do so- no petitions, no goal in mind other than just to be with Him before starting my day. It was wonderful.

Jesus,

I thank You for the strength You give us each day. I thank You for being my wonderful Lord and Savior. Oh how I’ve missed our morning talks. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

True Purpose

Mar27

Lately, I have been feeling extremely frustrated. Almost irrationally so. It’s at the point where a few days ago I was convinced I’d be packing my bags, leaving NYC, and moving in with my parents before the spring was up. Sure, there are valid reasons for my frustration. Every employment opportunity that’s come up hasn’t worked out; tasks around the house take 3 times as long as they should, and no matter how hard I work there’s still a lot of TLC that the place needs. It’s been a constant grind for about 6 months, and I still don’t have many friends here to break up the day.

I found myself frustrated and angry with the situation, and also with God. I outright asked Him the other day, “I came here in faith. I thought you wanted me here. I trusted You to take care of me. I thought You wanted to use me here; what’s the point of my being here? Why’d You have me come? Where are You- was I wrong about You??”

God in return gave me the gentlest of reminders of what I have here, and what potential there is here. He reminded me of the constant stream of blessings He’s rained over me since my arrival, and how much stronger my walk with Him has gotten since I’ve moved here. Now I ask myself, how could I have forgotten these things? How could I doubt the one constant I’ve had since I got here?

In truth, I’d forgotten my true purpose. What’s my true purpose? To be God’s. Just to belong to Him. To be His delight. To bask in His presence. Anything He has me do in the meantime is just a bonus. First and foremost, I am here to be His and to worship my Heavenly Father.

I’m not the first one to lost sight of this. Adam and Eve had the same problem when, after eating the forbidden fruit, they realized they were naked and tried to cover up with fig leaves. Suddenly, the relationship with God went from one of simple fellowship and delight to one of fear, shame, and forgetting what we’re here for. Suddenly being ‘good’ meant being clothed, rather than just being God’s. The focus became external.

While it is of course the norm for us to wear clothes, and I don’t recommend that you stop, the same shift still takes place for us today. We focus on how we look to others, how we act, what we can do, how God can use us. These are good things – just like covering one’s exposed private parts with fig leaves would be considered a good thing. But they are external things, secondary to what we’re here first and foremost to do: simply to be God’s. To belong to God, to be the bride of Jesus Christ, to delight in Him and love Him the way He does us. To worship Him. To spend time with Him, just belonging to Him. Such a simple purpose, and yet so often forgotten.

So today, I invite you to take a breath with me. For a few moments, stop searching and striving. Enjoy the Lord, your Father, Husband, and Savior. Let yourself sit and be loved by Him. Just belong to Him. Yes He may tell you to move. Yes there will be busy seasons and slow, but that question of “why am I here?” should never be a concern. You may have various purposes in different seasons as God calls you, but your underlying purpose is just to belong to Him. So ground yourself in that, and find the peace that comes from knowing you have an inherent identity, just by existing as the Lord’s.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Prayer Monday: All About Jesus

Mar26

I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. ~Revelation 22:13

Jesus,

I ask that You help me to keep YOU the main focus of my life. May You be the first thing I thing in my morning and my last thought at night. I ask that we find in You all that we need: strength for our day, hope for our lives, joy in the midst of storms, and a love that no one could ever outdo. I pray that we learn to lay aside the pain, suffering, disappointments, and baggage from our past and just look to You as we run this race. I pray that we don’t take on any fears, insecurities, and worries for the future as we run to You. Help us to point the way to You when others around us don’t know how. Show us how to make everything we do be about You.

I thank You that You’ve brought some pretty amazing guys into my life lately. It amazes me that barely half a year ago I was waiting for THE ring from a guy who said he was getting it and after he ripped my heart to shreds, You took the shattered pieces and with Your love created a new heart.

I ask You Lord, to help me. I feel myself slipping a little. I’m not praying as much- many days lately I’ve felt like I only barely get in a whisper of a prayer here and there. I fast my weekly fast day but not with as much purpose and determination as before. I read Your Word but I’m not devouring it like when I could barely survive the day without You because of the pain. I’m grateful for the healed heart and the promise of a bright and wonderful future, but I need You more than ever so that I don’t lose what we have due to contentedness with where I am.

Lord Jesus, let every breath I breathe and every beat of my heart be for You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

A Gardener Named Jesus

Mar25

When I first moved to NYC, I kept noticing things around the house that needed help. Some areas were neglected, falling apart….it just needed some TLC. It has been slow going, and sometimes frustrating, but we are fixing things up and updating one project at a time.

The latest project has been the front yard. When I moved here, the yard was little more than dirt and weeds, with a few misshapen bushes. But it had potential. There were some old rosebushes, but they no longer bloomed. There was a hydrangea bush that was healthy and beautiful, just covered in old dead flowers and leaves. There was also a fig tree, and the figs were delicious. Clearly, it was once beautiful, and had simply fallen into a state of neglect.

So, I made it my personal mission to restore it to its former glory. Armed with gloves, hedge clippers, a shovel, and a rake, I took it on, totally confident that I would prevail over the errant plants. Where to start? The rosebushes. It took me almost a full day to pull up the weeds from the flower bed, and that was just the prep step. After that it was time to dig the trench for some brick edging. The digging went well, as did the bricks, but when I got to the last one, it was too long. I was over here working hard, with visions of a perfectly maintained yard in bloom, and the whole dream was about to be thwarted by 2 measly inches of brick. Not to be deterred, I called Home Depot to see if they’d cut it. They wouldn’t. Still undeterred, I went to a local hardware store down the street to see if they could help. They couldn’t. Slightly daunted, but with visions of roses spurring me on, I bought a brick hammer. I’d chisel the thing myself.

Or so I thought. Over an hour later, all I’d managed to do was chisel a score line down the side, but no actual crack. The solution? Hit harder. Right. So I’m hammering the chisel as hard as I can, hoping I don’t split the brick, but it turns out that I shouldn’t have worried because after another 45 minutes, the crack had barely even gotten deeper. Was I doing something wrong? Am I just weak? Doesn’t really matter – either way, I was stuck.

That’s when it occurred to me to utter a prayer. It was a prayer born of frustration and a tired arm. It was simple, and not very eloquent or articulate. In fact, it was only 2 words. Jesus….help. Sure enough, within 5 minutes the brick was cracked. Thanks Jesus!!

The experience was a simple reminder that I can’t do it myself. I can do it with God’s help, but not by myself. Jesus is by our sides, cheering us on whether we ask Him to or not. When we make attempts, He applauds. When we fail, He applauds our effort. He delights in us, whether we’re successful or we aren’t. But it’s when we turn to Him, and ask Him for help and guidance, that He can take a more active role in our lives. He can remove weeds, protect from thorns, and split bricks so that everything is a perfect fit.

Today, I give you the same reminder that Jesus gave me. Turn to Him in all areas of your life, even the ones where you think you can do it yourself, and watch Him move. Let Him live your whole life with you – the difference is immediate.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Destructive Gossip

Mar24

Surely the serpent will bite without enchantment; and a babbler is no better. ~ Ecclesiastes 10:11

I have been hugely concerned about revealing too much of myself on this blog for one of the reasons my ex cited grounds for breaking up with me is because I once posted on facebook:

I keep praying over and over again- Nevertheless Lord, let Thy Will and not my will be done…

I so desperately want Him to say “Yes my child, Yes, this is for you…” but I know that it needs to be what He wants for me, and not just what >>I want

Sometimes… the hardest part is the waiting.

His friends confronted him (without ever saying a word to me) about why was his girlfriend posting their relationship problems all over facebook? Clearly, that post MUST have been about the two of us (in their mind). He looked at me with pain in his eyes and said, “my own pastor’s wife said something to me about your post, you KNOW I hated having anything up on facebook, you KNEW that.” They didn’t consider it might be about picking which job location I wanted, where I might want to settle down permanently, or (since they barely knew me) if there was ANYTHING else going on in my life. They just up and, instead of praying for someone who was clearly searching for God’s Will and confused, asked him why was his girlfriend posting about their relationship problems on facebook- specifically citing the above post.

I NEVER again want people to read what I write and end up seeing WHO is writing the post instead of THE ONE that the post is supposed to be about. I naively posted that on my wall thinking that people would either encourage me or be inspired to also seek to do God’s Will above their own. Instead, it was used to just tear me down and break up our relationship. The worst part was when he said “I didn’t even think anything about it when I first saw it but then everyone started saying things to me, even my pastor’s wife.”

The bible has some really strong words about what happens to those who gossip:

Whoever slanders his neighbor in secret, him will I put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, him will I not endure. ~ Psalm 101:5, NIV version

As my last post spoke about, I want all that I say and do to lift Him up. To give God the glory. Whether I live or die, whether I look prideful or ridiculous, if it gives God the glory, I don’t want to be silenced but to freely speak of His wonders. Those people who talked about my post without ever speaking to me, God knows. God knows and sees everything we do. I now try to be much more careful about what I say because I never want to be one to inflict injury to others. I pray that God is never made to silence me for slandering others in secret.

Jesus,

Help us now be mindful of what we say and do. Let us, instead of tearing others down, build YOU up. Let us forget the things of this world and just look unto You. Let us be SO busy going about YOUR business that we don’t have the time to bother with hurting others around us. Help us remember that the “you need to pray for Jane because of xyz” is NEVER a good excuse to spread gossip. If we are truly concerned about someone, let us instead ask “Please pray for Jane. I just feel like she could use extra prayers right now.” We need to lift each other up in prayer. We need to seek to help those around us make it to the finish line in this race that You’ve set before us. Jesus, help us strengthen each other without spreading gossip. I love You for protecting me from marrying a man that so easily allowed our relationship to be torn apart by gossip. I thank You for helping me endure the destruction of those who were gossiping about me. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

In All Things

Mar23

“My heart says of you, ‘seek His face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek.” ~Psalm 27:8

It’s been a busy few weeks here in NYC. I’ve been dividing my time between the house and a hotel in Manhattan (doing that temporary employment thing), job hunting for more permanent employment, working out a few kinks with my roommate (he might be losing an aide soon, and his aide schedule is a bit off anyway this week due to the hotel stay) starting spring cleaning, and declaring war on the weeds in the front yard. Tomorrow I might even resort to threatening them with nuclear winter if they don’t disappear soon.

I thought this was going to end up being a post about how I’ve been slacking off lately – after all, I’ve been busy and God hasn’t revealed anything new to me. So where is God in all this? That’s actually the exciting part – He’s everywhere!!!

As I looked back, I realized that without setting aside extra time to meditate on God’s word, and without scheduling specific prayer times in the day, that I’ve actually just been spending all day with Him. Some days I say good morning to Him, other days good night, other times I give Him a play-by-play of my emotions and the moments that happen in my day. I was a bit out of my element in this job (but I rocked it thanks to a certain Savior I know and love!), and it was so cool to be able to turn to Him at random, any time and any place, and know He was there whether I was in my prayer closet or in public. And yes, I did pray in public….even though it was just in my head.

I’m also finding that the more Jesus is on my mind in an everyday capacity, the more I desire Him. I want to know all of who He is and what He said and what it means. I want to start teaching series and bible studies and anything else that’ll quench this new thirst I have. I’ve always enjoyed study guides and teaching series, and other Christian blogs. But the past few weeks have brought this desire to a whole new level.

I’m loving how when by all accounts I should be more distant from God this week, I feel His presence everywhere. I’m learning to walk confidently in it – I have no embarrassment whatsoever in telling people I’m praying for them. My roommate and I are even praying more confidently together.

So I guess this is just a reminder that God is present – He’s there for everything, watching us always. He’s not just there when we go into our prayer closets to seek Him, or when we ask Him to be. He’s there no matter what. He’s literally in all things, if we just seek Him – even the mundane things. It’s such a comforting and loving feeling to know that. So enjoy it, and take a few minutes to check in with Him when you’re between tasks, or take that second to pray for someone if the opportunity arises (even if it’s just in your head).

Also….anybody want to do a teaching series or bible study with me?

God bless!

~Rebekah A

True Humility

Mar22

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. ~ Philippians 2:5-8

Last night at midweek service the preacher spoke about “Christ-like humility.” So much of that sermon made me think of my ex. The more time that passes, the more I see just how bad and dysfunctional my relationship was. I loved that guy, but he clearly did not love me the way I needed. I would have given him anything and everything and yet he never wanted to see things my way. He and I had multiple disagreements and one was wrapped around what true humility is.

In my mind, it takes true humility to give credit to God in all things. I’m in medical school and my ex once told me that I had to stop telling people that I was going to be a doctor. His friends were attacking my character after having hung out with me less than a dozen times and he said he refused to stand up for me because they were right- I needed to be humbled since I openly told people I was going to be a doctor. Anyone who KNOWS me though knows that I freely talk about it because it is my testimony. I cannot thank God enough for this life He has given me. The road isn’t easy but because of all the times that I should have failed and didn’t, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He has called me to this profession. I liberally say that it is because of God and God alone that I am passing medical school. It is my heart’s desire that in the greatest times of pain and sorrow- God’s love would shine forth through me to my future patients and comfort them… and perhaps they will find THE Comforter through something I might say to them.

The preaching last night confirmed the very thing that I felt in my heart since the moment my ex reprimanded me for telling people I’m going to be a doctor: true humility is not caring how we look (either prideful or ridiculous) but in all things- pointing towards Christ! True humility doesn’t care whether what we say makes us look good or bad, just that does this statement give glory to God? Does what we say inspire others to seek Him more? Does what we say encourage others to put all things in His hands? I love telling people I’m going to be a doctor, especially young people, because I want them to be encouraged to know that God has a purpose for us all and that He can and will lead us to our true callings. Not everyone is called to be a pastor, evangelist, or preacher. Some of us are called to work in hospitals, police stations, classrooms, and more. If every church was filled only with preachers and pastors who would be in the pews?

He once taught a lesson (that we both prayed over and I ended up suggesting the same bible passage he was looking at even though I was all the way in another country) that went perfectly in line with something that was preached in a big conference only a few weeks later. As I went to talk about how amazing God was to have made it that my ex had just taught on that and clearly God was doing something here, my ex stopped me because his friend was in the car who didn’t go to his church. It wasn’t humble to talk about things like that. In my book, anything that stops you from giving glory to God is bad. We should, as I Thessalonians 5:18 says, give thanks to God in ALL things for that is the will of God. I believe this to mean more than just “in good times and in bad, let’s give thanks” but I take as a charge to find as many reasons as possible to give God thanks. If this makes you look good- give Him thanks. If you sound ridiculous for having gotten into a car accident but God gave you a miracle- give Him thanks anyhow! Whether what you say brings about death of any form (bodily, reputation-wise, relationships) or not, know that true humility is to live for Christ and Christ alone in all things and to do what He wants regardless of anything else.

True humility in my book is no longer caring how it makes YOU look or what happens to you, but how it makes HIM look and how it exalts HIM.

Jesus,

I thank You that I no longer have anyone in my life telling me to stop talking of the wonderful miracle of a life You’ve given me. That I am free from those who would silence my testimony. I love You and thank You for all that You have done for me in my life. I praise You that when we truly learn how to allow ourselves to disappear, when we can truly come to the point where we no longer care how our statements make us look (either good or bad), or whether something for You causes us to live or die, You can truly be exalted. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Our First Thought

Mar21

Yesterday, Rebekah M posted about holding our thoughts captive. It’s true – battles start and end in the mind. Sin starts with a thought, and often the enemy uses things like fear or insecurity to get us thinking in ways that we normally wouldn’t. And we all have thoughts that are not of God, that if we stopped to consider it, we’d know that God wouldn’t approve of them. He knows we’re thinking them anyway, whether we consider His opinion or not. But in that knowledge, He can help us. If we can train our minds to somehow first consider Him, and consider His kingdom, He can help us bring these errant thoughts under control. He can win the battle in our minds. He can help us win it.

Even things that aren’t a battle can be guided by Him if we let Him. Yesterday my roommate and I went on our weekly visit to see his mother at the nursing home where she lives, and he asked me “do you think we’ll get home early today?” We take a paratransit van home, and the van can stop in any of the 5 boroughs of NYC, picking up and dropping off other people before you finally get to your door. I was about to come out with something cynical – we leave at 6:30 and are rarely home before 8 – until I remembered the times we prayed for a quick ride home. I’ve even posted about them. When we prayed out loud and together, we were always home by the time we asked. Once we were even home by 7:03!!

So instead of cracking a cynical joke, I said “Jesus, we know we don’t need to get home early, and we’ll be ok if we aren’t, but we’ve had a long week and if you could have us home by 7:30 or 7:15, we’d really appreciate it!!!” Sure enough, we were home by 7:15 exactly. Jesus came through yet again. When my roommate said “good call on the time” and I replied “I had nothing to do with it”, he looked upwards with a smile that clearly said ‘I know who was’.

It’s such a small thing. But it’s a powerful reminder that when our first thought IS of God, when we DO turn towards Him and let Him work and guide our circumstances, He can work amazing things. Not only did we get home on time, but we got to pray together, and grow in faith together, which is more important than any ride home could ever be.

So try to take a second, when you’re faced with a choice or challenging conversation, or even letting your thoughts drift idly to a place that’s not of God, to stop and check in with Him. Try to train your mind to seek Him first, so that He can move in those moments and help you overcome the thoughts you don’t want.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Our Weapons

Mar20

This past sunday night the preacher talked about how our weapons are not carnal, but mighty through God and how if you study it, you realize that the Bible talks about things in the mind.

Bringing thoughts into captivity, casting down imaginations, and things that are put in our mind above God.

Jesus,
Help me to give You the room to win the battle in my mind. I submit myself to You once again so that You can help me win the battle. Jesus, bring my thoughts into captivity. I need You Lord. I love You Jesus with all my heart.
Rebekah M. (posted from my phone)