And he is before all things, and by him all things consist. ~ Colossians 1:17 KJV
And he is before all things, and by him all things are held together. ~ Colossians 1:17 NKJV
It sometimes feels like a struggle for my new boyfriend and I to find our way but it’s been interesting to see how things are playing out. We are so attracted to each other and so it creates a struggle to be good. I know, I know this coming from the girl who was all “not going to kiss again until my wedding day” but it seems that it’s sometimes a toss up between “I can’t wait to see you to hug you as we pray together” and “I can’t wait to see you and I hope I get a kiss!” And although I have some friends and family who read this and actually know who I am, I feel like transparency is important here (so I guess my parents are going to find this out this way unless I call them up and directly tell them…) for you the reader- so here it is: we kissed already. It was so wonderful that he told me he wouldn’t dump me if we didn’t kiss but that mixed with all the wonderfulness that he is combined to make it so that I failed in the “not kissing” thing.
So here I am, past the point of where I said I wouldn’t go but yet wondering… what does this mean? When you cross that line, even when it’s not technically a sin, does that mean it is a sin? I know His Word says to me it is because that was my conviction and yet here I sit, struggling, trying to find the balance since it’s not for so many people- why the unfair standard and now that I’ve failed does it still hold?
These are the truths I do know:
- He is forgiving and loves me
- His grace is sufficient to sustain me
- My new boyfriend and I do try to keep Jesus in the middle- he was sick and I just prayed for him over the phone not too long ago
And so here I sit, wondering where do I go from here. The struggle between higher standards and “living the norm.” When he doesn’t hold the same conviction where does that leave us? He’s still into Jesus and a good guy but how to bring it all together? Pray for me dear readers as I continue on this journey. More than once I’ve asked God if He wanted me to dump this guy since it would be easier (in certain respects) to just leave him so that I don’t have any temptation to go the wrong way when it comes to purity (even up to the higher standard of not kissing) and He keeps telling me that I have to “see things out.” That’s all He tells me. It’s frustrating but I just know that this journey with this new guy is definitely of Him… but are we going to stay in Him, bring each other down, or help each other go higher in Him?
Here I sit in Panera asking You now to stay strong in my relationship with my new boyfriend. We are so easily distracted by how attracted we are to each other but I know that we both want You in this. His attraction for me grows every time I talk about You or we pray together. I see him as a gift from You. He feels like a Boaz for my life, but it’s amazing just how much I feel like I oscillate between You and potentially falling away when I’m with him. It reminds me every time that I’m human- I’m fallible. I thank You for giving us both strength to not fall into that sin but we need You to help us continue on that road when we meet up again next week. Lord, protect us as we learn more about each other from falling into things we shouldn’t. Maybe I’m blowing things out of proportion but I don’t think I am… it’s little slips at a time that can cause people to unknowingly fall down into a cavern. Help us Jesus- I want to continue to keep loving You with everything within me. Let it be that if we keep You the center, You will hold us together.