So…. since my last post the craziest thing happened- I started talking to guy! One that I’ve known of for years now and had forgotten that I text with occasionally for months now. Shortly after I posted my last post, he started talking very passionately about church and God and I remember being struck by “and why did I friendzone you again?” and for the life of me all the excuses of the past held no ground.
The jury is still out on if this if truly of God to be… something more long term… or if this is just another learning lesson. In the mean time though, I know that I struggle with my usual struggle- finding my way of keeping God first despite the presence of a man in my life. I don’t fully understand why or how, but when a guy shows me attention, I am easily given to giving that person as much time as they want and even thinking about them when not. This guy… he works in IT so he tends to have lots of down time between when he’s asked to fix something … i.e. lots of time to pay much attention to me. I rarely find myself just dreaming on and on about him like I have with other guys in the past… but I am not 100% sure if that is because I am growing or because I am just too busy between work, church (I am doing the music for my church’s Easter service/play), and the very few social things I can do.
Regardless… I still want to find the balance of keeping God first. I want to feel like He is FULLY in charge of my mind and heart. I don’t think I’m there. I don’t think I’m doing this right… but I do know that my ultimate desire is to please God above man.
Help me please You above all else even with changes in my life. Help me keep you #1 even when there’s a guy in this world who is giving me attention… many times at all hours of the day. The last guy I was practically beating the air for him to keep his word about contacting me and this guy is the opposite… I don’t want this to be rebound- I want this to be You or nothing. Let YOUR Will be done in this. Help me keep You first. Jesus, be my all as part of me wants to just allow myself to drown in this attention by a man on the Earth and forget the guilt I tend to feel when I give him more time of my day than I do You. Forgive me for those days and give me strength to do better.