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Restoration (Part III)

Apr30

“So David recovered all that the Amalekites had carried away, and David rescued his two wives. And nothing of theirs was lacking, either small or great, sons or daughters, spoil or anything which they had taken from them; David recovered all” (1 Samuel 30: 1-8, 18-19).

Four years ago I went through a very trying time in my faith. My spiritual family and I were hurt very deeply during this time. My godparents were falsely accused of many terrible things. Through much prayer, I eventually made the decision to leave that church and within a few days my god-parents were asked to leave as well. By the end of that year I had lost several close friends.

frriendsOne of these was a dear friend to me that I had defended repeatedly in her time of trouble. Yet when my time of trouble came, she turned her back on me. She sent me disparaging emails, unfriended me on facebook, and disconnected from me socially and spiritually. I was heart-broken.

“Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me” (Psalm 41:9).

All communication between us stopped – with one exception. Every year on her birthday I sent her a one line email wishing her a good year and a happy birthday. Occasionally, I also tried to encourage her in other more subtle ways; for example, leaving uplifting comments on a mutual friend’s post in reply to one of her comments. We were no longer “friends”, but by way of mutual contacts I knew that she could see some of those things. For the most part, my efforts were ignored.

I admit it was difficult for me. I was hurt that she rejected me. I was angry that she was judging me without knowing or understanding what had really happened at the church. I was sad that we were no longer friends. I missed her.

It took me some time, but eventually I forgave her. She was doing what she felt she had to. In shunning me, she was following the direction of her leadership. I understood that to go against the church leadership is rebellion; she was trying to do the right thing. Yes, I had defended her vehemently to that same leadership when they were falsely accusing her of things, but she never knew that. Yes, she believed the false reports spoken about us, but they were constructed in such a way as to be very convincing. In the end I felt badly for her that she was still in that situation when I had found my way to freedom.

Indeed, while that was the most difficult time I have had to endure since becoming a Christian, it was also the catalyst for helping me to grow in Christ and to dig deeper into Him. I have been incredibly blessed in this last four years. I now attend a wonderfully loving church with very supportive leadership. I have been able to attend Bible College, coach the youth in Bible Quizzing, be involved in a Chinese Home Church and meet many wonderful new friends. Everything that I lost was restored to me and then some! Is the church I attend now a perfect church? No, of course not. But it is exactly what I need in my life and it has afforded me many opportunities that would have been closed to me at my old church.

“For I will restore health to you, and heal you of your wounds, says the Lord, because they called you an outcast saying: This is Zion; No one seeks her.” (Jeremiah 30:17).

I have learned that truly all things work together for good (Romans 8:28) and that going through that time helped to bring me to where I am now.  I also have a greater love and appreciation for those around me because I understand that things can change at any time and I know what a blessing it is to have them in my life.

Today, my dear friend that I lost four years ago sent me a friend request on Facebook. This may seem like a small thing, but I assure you, this is no small thing! Tears instantly welled behind my eyes when I saw it. Perhaps we will never be able to recover a friendship like the one we used to have, but I gladly welcome her back into my life. I pray she is well and that God is blessing her.

We truly serve a God of restoration!

In His Love,
Rebekah L.

Related Posts:

 

The Lord Fights Our Battles Pt 2

Apr20

champion

About a year ago a guy messaged me multiple times trying to make a case for how I could not possibly be in the will of God because God would NEVER call anyone to do anything besides being a saint of Christ and that a woman’s place is in the home while her husband’s place is to work outside the home. That He would never call anyone to be doctors, lawyers, or policemen.  He did this knowing that I was in medical school, soon to be a doctor, and unmarried. I posted about this a year ago and how he never responded when I said that God cares even about our professions for everything can be used as an opportunity to witness. Last night, I received an interesting message from him on Facebook:

I need to apologize to you for being judgemental and critical of you. I was wrong and I am sorry for that. Sorry to cause you any stress or anxiety. I hope you can forgive me and you don’t hate me.

My reply:

I don’t hate anyone and of course you’re forgiven. God’s Word says that we should pray that God would forgive us as we forgive others, so to be freely forgiven we must freely forgive. I do have a word of caution for you for the future though.

One of my best friends actually recently asked who you were since they noticed that we were linked on facebook and according to them, you were telling their cousin they were going to hell for liking sports. Whether or not that is Biblical, the biggest problem with all of that was that his 11 year old daughter was dying of cancer. He is now a heartbroken man because she died and yet in the middle of the time of her dying, it is said that you were telling him he was going to hell.

I honestly told them you were the same person who told me I wasn’t in God’s Will and my friend then wrote you off as judgmental and urged me to speak with [Bro. ____/Bro. ____] about you. They said that someone who would say something like that to a man who’s daughter was dying of cancer must be brought to the attention of the pastor. I did not feel like it was my place to say something to the pastors, but my family did put you on our prayer list for a week for God to give you more wisdom with your words.

We must be wise as serpents and harmless as doves. Use wisdom and love when seeking to help people on this path towards Christ. Remember that Paul said (I Cor 12:31) to “covet earnestly the best gifts [of the spirit]: and yet shew I unto you a more excellent way.” He then went into the love chapter (I Cor 13):

1.Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

Your words will never be heard if you don’t temper your wording and timing with love. Christ does want us to be a witness to all, but we must make sure what we say is based on scriptures and can quote their locations in the Bible. We only drive others away from Christ when we forget to temper the truth in God’s Word with grace. For the Bible says that Jesus Himself was full of grace and truth (John 1:14) and we must follow His example.

He replied

Thank you for your forgiveness. I never said though that [the father of the girl who died of cancer recently] was going to hell. I never would tell anybody that. But I did write back to [him] as i did you and asked him also to forgive me for being judgemental and critical of him. I also wrote [his wife] also and asked her the same things. The Lord did show me I was wrong just as in your case. [He] said as you did that he also forgave me. So the Lord himself corrected me in the error of my ways. 
And yes I also felt even worse because I knew his daughter was sick with cancer and he was going through alot then.
So I hope all is well with you concerning these things. 
Also thank you for putting me on your prayerlist. That is very much appreciated.

It is amazing how God works.  My friend was pushing me pretty hard at the time to say something so I started to say hello to this guy’s pastor’s wife and maybe say something, but no message would go through to her, THREE TIMES.  I knew it was God saying to let Him do it.  It’s amazing to see God convicted this man in His way in His timing. I’m kind of curious to hear the story but honestly, human as I am, I would rather just keep my interactions with him limited.

Thank You Jesus for fighting my battles for me- even if the fruit of the battle is seen a YEAR later! 

Rebekah M.

Related Posts:

http://beingrebekah.com/2012/05/28/judgement/

http://beingrebekah.com/2012/05/31/submitting-it-all/

http://beingrebekah.com/2012/06/04/the-lord-fights-our-battles/

http://beingrebekah.com/2012/08/20/a-call-to-christians-being-on-your-guard-part-2/

The Visions: Part 3

Apr12

 

This is part of an email that was sent to my parents by a prophet (who calls my dad uncle because in the Chinese culture anyone your father’s age is an “uncle”) in another country before I wrote what I did in Praying Monday: Press On but they didn’t receive it until afterwards. In it there were three visions. After they confronted me the next day about these visions, I wrote A Daddy’s Chastisement. The Visions: Part One was posted 2/14/13. I was messing up- unofficially in a relationship with a guy who didn’t know God and worse yet, doing things that I shouldn’t with him. Not THAT, but still wrong in God’s eyes. People, some even in church, told me it wasn’t bad or wrong so long as it wasn’t THAT, but God’s standards are not our standards.  I pray that in revealing these visions the prophet had of me, those of you who might be contemplating going down the same road are warned and those who have been there encouraged that God loves you even when what He saw you do this:

HPIM0322.JPGThird picture He show me was I see your daughter she go in the church. She  very happy worship God in the church. The man comes. He sit beside at church. Sudden church seem to bright. Air uncomfortable. The man hurts her. She go to another seat. She worship God. Another man come sit next to her. And church is become too warm. Uncomfortable. This man hurts her too. She go out the church. A man call to her from shade. She go over. Is very cool in shade. Is not too bright. Is fresh air. Everything is better with him. She need decide, lead him in to church or stay in cool shade with him. She know she should lead him in to church, but she remember how inside was so uncomfortable. She feel much better outside. So she stay outside in nice cool shade. And is nice outside for awhile. Then the shade sudden become very dark. The nice cool shade become cold darkness! Dark as night. The storm come. She try to get out of storm. She try run to church. She not can open the door. She not can get inside. The poison inside her make her to weak to open door. 

The bold letters are the prophet’s formatting.  He then urged my parents to pray for me before it was too late and I was too weak to open the door. Given that it’s been over 2 months since this all happened, it’s still flooring to see how God did everything.  I have been trying to lead this guy to Christ. I have made my choice. With tears streaming down my face I told him that he was what I wanted, but not what I needed.  I needed a praying man. I needed a man who knew as much as I did (and would teach our future children) that Jesus loves us beyond words. He loves us so much that He died for our sins.  He’s even said he would read John chapters 1-3 with an open mind (although I’m not 100% sure how well that will turn out since he isn’t sure when he’ll find the time just some vague… “eventually”).

Regardless… Praise God! Praise God that He had this sent before it was too late. Before I was so full of poison that I couldn’t get back to Him. Praise God that what was one of my most mortifying moments in my life brought about one of the greatest blessings in my life: nightly family prayer :)  I don’t know if this guy will ever stop walking the line, but I know that I can’t date him and think it won’t affect me.  The detail in this is incredible. He didn’t know of my exes and yet plain as day- both were “in church” and yet both hurt me badly. Drove me away from looking for guys in the church- especially when the guy outside is SO much nicer than them.  But those were only two guys and don’t represent all guys in the church- God’s shown me that in the time since.  I just have to keep waiting on Him, being a light, and seeing where God takes things :)

Jesus, 

Thank You once again for saving me. Thank You for bringing the visions to my parents attention before it was too late.  Thank You Lord! Thank You Jesus! I praise You and I thank You! I love You Jesus! 

Rebekah M. 

Related Posts:

http://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/28/praying-monday-pressing-on/

http://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/29/a-daddys-chastisement/

http://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/

http://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/

Confident in His Love

Mar19

Mercy

A few weeks ago one of the other Rebekahs wrote A Daddy’s Chastisement about how she was messing up and what the Lord did to pull her out of that situation. His chastisement, while difficult at the time, turned out to be exactly what she needed in order to fully restore a right relationship with Him. In the end that chastisement catapulted her into a great blessing.

This weekend I found myself in a similar situation where I was doing something totally out of God’s will and while I was doing wrong of my own choice, God still swept in to rescue me before I made a bad situation worse. With the help of some God-timed technological quirks, through my god-sister and godparents I was given my “way of escape” (1 Corinthians 10:13) to get out of the situation I was in. Like Rebekah M. felt when her parents found out what was going on with her, I was also mortified to have my godparents find out about the circumstance I had gotten myself into, but experiencing their love and acceptance at a time like that has shown me something I would not have seen otherwise.

My god-sister is in one state, my godparents live in a second state and I live in a third state. None of that stopped them from coming together to help me. Recently I confessed in my Rooted and Grounded post that I have difficulty believing that anyone could actually care for me and I struggle to trust God and accept His love. God used the situation this past weekend to show me that even when I’m messing up, even when I sin, even when I’m outside of His will, I am never outside of His love.

Would you believe my god-parents got up in the middle of the night and drove all the way to where I was in order to bring me to the safety of their home? Would you believe that my god-sister stayed on the phone with me until after two o’clock in the morning? She didn’t let me go until she knew her parents had arrived and I was safe in their care. When I checked my cell phone history to see how many phone calls they all made to try to reach me there were 36 (most of them went unanswered). Between my godparents and my god-sister there were 36 different attempts to contact me! The devil has lied to me; he tells me no one loves me, but people who don’t care just don’t do that. Someone acting out of an intent other than love might make one or two token attempts at contacting me, but only genuine care and concern can motivate someone to make dozens of phone calls in the wee hours of the morning.

Do you believe that God uses people to show His love for us?

Back at my godparents house they didn’t show any anger for dragging them out of bed in the middle of the night and they didn’t show judgment for the predicament I found myself in. They wrapped me in their love. My mind is completely blown thinking about it. They had every reason to treat me poorly, but they treated me with the love and mercy of the Lord.

My godfather wrote the following in an email to me today: “Amen to what you said about confidence in the love of God individually. We all should remind ourselves from time to time that Jesus died for MY sins and rose for MY living. He is always close to ME and He cares about ME, always. And it is not because I’m big headed (someone special), but just because HE is (His nature)!

Where I expected to feel the crush of condemnation, I instead felt the embrace of Jesus’ love. It amazes me how merciful our God is. He is constantly reaching out to us, seeking to restore us to a right relationship with Him. Over and over, I fail Him, and yet His mercy endures. His love offers us another chance. The Lord used the people in my life to show me that I am loved. Truly, despite all my fears and failures, God loves me.

Dear Reader,

If you’ve messed up, don’t give up! If you repent, God is faithful to forgive you! He loves you more than you know. He is reaching out to you, just as He reached out to me; in love. He was willing to suffer the cross for you, and He wants you to have confidence in His love for you as an individual. He doesn’t just love us collectively as part of humanity; He loves us individually – where we are right now, flaws and all. He is a wonderful, merciful, amazing God!

In His Love,

Rebekah L.

Two Rooms

Mar8

doorsToday while at work I started with two patients in rooms beside each other. The contrast was so amazing that I felt almost as if it was a gift from God Himself in lessons and encouragement.

In one room was a woman who was living with her boyfriend, currently unemployed, and in for a condition essentially caused by her years of smoking.  As I spoke with her, it was evident that she was in a bad place mentally and in her life.  Not suicidal, but constantly berated by her boyfriend and his mother. Everything she said about him felt so reminiscent of my first boyfriend- from how it felt like originally one had just stepped into a storybook romance to it falling apart with the facade fading away.  Painful moments of emotional abuse scattered throughout, and yet being so in love with the other person that one felt locked into the relationship. I still remember the night I was berated for almost 5 minutes straight on how stupid it was to even suggest the ring bearer be a ninja.  It wasn’t even a loving scold, it was an angry, yelling, tirade on how “stupid and retarded” of an idea it was. By the end I was sobbing, asking him if he could just not call my ideas stupid and instead he became angry that I was crying stating that I “must be on that time of [my] month.” This woman continues to endure living with a man who refuses to go outside to smoke because “it’s my house, you can’t tell me what to do.” She allows a man to yell at her for becoming sick and needing to go to the hospital- as if that is something one can control.  The more I talked to her, watching as she repeatedly broke down and cried when she talked about her home life, I felt God whisper to me that that could have been me. Maybe with the slight variant of being married, but that could have been me- miserable beyond words, an broken shell of the woman I once was. I thank and praise God for His mercies and rescuing me from myself when it came to my first boyfriend.

In the very next room was my other patient who we had to tell potentially had a mass in her belly. As I started talking with her, she began to cry and I ended up talking to her about God. Come to find out she knew Him and it was SO encouraging and amazing to speak with her. I was able to encourage her to read Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyers and I could feel that she was drawing strength just by being encouraged to put it all in God’s hands. In the end when she left, I could feel that she was resolved to leave it in His hands. She knew that part of her game plan was to have a support system that would pray with her. She was ready to face come what may with God at her side.

What a contrast! What a stark contrast from the “might have been” in one room to the other who was putting her trust in God.  May I be the one who chooses God. May I be the one who chooses His ways.  May I be the one in the second room when the time is down.

Jesus, 

When we have two rooms in our lives, which will we choose? Will we choose sin, and find ourselves a shadow of who we should be? Or will we choose God and shine brighter than the day? Lord, may I choose You always. 

Rebekah M. 

The Visions: Part 1

Feb14

This is part of an email that was sent to my parents by a prophet in another country before I wrote what I did in Praying Monday: Press On but they didn’t receive it until afterwards. In it there were three visions. After they confronted me the next day about these visions, I wrote A Daddy’s Chastisement.  I was messing up- unofficially in a relationship with a guy who didn’t know God and worse yet, doing things that I shouldn’t with him. Not THAT, but still wrong in God’s eyes. People, some even in church, told me it wasn’t bad or wrong so long as it wasn’t THAT, but God’s standards are not our standards.  I pray that in revealing these visions the prophet had of me, those of you who might be contemplating going down the same road are warned and those who have been there encouraged that God loves you even when what He saw you do this:

roadFirst picture God show me was like this: I see your daughter. She all in white. She very innocent. There is a man. He dress like gang man or something. Very terrible. She go to this man and embrace him. I am wonder why innocent girl like her will be with this kind of man. When they separate, her white dress is become dirty. He leave. She begin walk down road, and she wipe some the dirt off while she walk. But dress is not clean white like before. Down the road, she meet another man, and this one she embrace him too. This man was not seem so terrible like gang man, but it is trick because he is even more dirty than first man. When they separate, even more dirty on her dress. She walk away and try wiping dirt off her dress. Some dirt come off, but now even more dirt stay on dress. She keep walk, down road she meet another man. He looks more innocent than both the first two mans. He seem nothing to be afraid of. When she embrace him she make him more dirty and he make her more dirty. This time is goes both way because she think her dress still white, but dress is not white anymore. There is danger but she choose not to see it. They are still embrace when picture end so I never see what does dress look like when they separate. This God show me awhile ago, but I ignore.

He will have mercy when you finally turn to HIM to clean you off. This is the God who IS love itself! Although it is crazy to think that this above, being sent to my parents is the epitome of love, it is! God loved me enough to know exactly what I needed and since that day the email was sent, my family has had nightly prayer meetings over Google+ and I love it.  It has been my daily strength. It helps motivate me through the day to know I’ll have prayer at night with my family. We didn’t grow up with family prayer, but now that I have it, I know it is part of the dream of my future family.  What a legacy that would be from my parents if that really does happen in my life!sepiathug

I digress, back to the point- things I learned are the following:

a) God doesn’t want us messing around, even if it’s not THAT.

b) He saw into the heart of even a guy who was on the platform of a church and still, still he called him a “gang man”… we must be careful of who we choose to date EVEN IN CHURCH for just because they claim Christ, it does not mean they truly follow Him or are known to Him

c) what love! what compassion! what heartache my Lord, my God… my LOVE must feel for me! (and you too dear readers!!! Jesus’ heart is big enough to love you as much as He does me!!! which is INFINITE AMOUNTS!) He was warning me to be careful of my path, He wants me safe and secure in HIM, not clinging to men who don’t deserve me or are not right for me.

d) we can be too secure in our “salvation” and “righteousness” when really… it is HIS righteousness, HIS grace and HIS BLOOD that cleans us and washes us white as snow.  He’s shown me so much love and compassion in the last two weeks that I cannot say it all… what a wonderful, mighty God who’s true grace and mercy I have experienced over the last two weeks more than I ever have before. Thank You wonderful Jesus for Your saving grace!!!

Dear Reader, 

If you have never come to Christ before, I encourage you now to just drop it all and seek after Christ.  For you will not regret it if you truly let Him into your heart!!! He was my first valentine and so far, my only.  Let Him be so for you today!!!! He loves you beyond measure, word, or deed for He did the ultimate deed of love- He died for us so that we might be freed from sin!!! Your chains of addiction, guilt, and/or shame can come off in His name!!!! Bury yourself in Him and you will find the strength to live right… THROUGH HIM. It is not MY righteousness but HIS, it is not MY goodness but HIS, it is not MY keeping a clean robe but HIS BLOOD that cleans it!!!! Just pray for Him to bring the right people into your life to help you and read the bible! Know HIS love letter in intimate detail and you will see! I’d suggest starting with the book of John and then move on to the book of Acts… but if you can find a church near you that lives the bible I’m sure someone there can help show you good scriptures! :)  

Thank You Jesus for being my first love. Thank You Jesus for loving me enough to chastise me this way so that my heart would truly learn how to accept your mercy and forgiving grace.  Thank You Jesus!!!!!!! I love You Jesus with all my heart, 

Rebekah M. 

A Daddy’s Chastisement

Jan29

I wrote this post yesterday afternoon shortly after yesterday’s, timing it to be published later this week. Today, I received my chastisement and Rebekah L invited me to take her day to write about things as they have happened… it floors me how I wrote this PRIOR to what happened. I’ll explain more at the end. 

So I have been trying to work through all the layers of feelings behind why I have been falling into this relationship with this guy and there are MANY things I see.

A) He and I truly have SO many things in common. We’re only a month different in age so we know MUCH of the same references from childhood and we always find something outdoors to do.

B) We communicate well together. It’s kind of freaky when we randomly hit a stride in our convos where his or my texts are the answers to what the other person is texting that moment. Granted it makes sense in a way because conversations are on topics and thus have a finite amount of topic space, but it has happened multiple times in the same conversation before. Also, he and I text/skype/message each other throughout the day. It never feels too much or too little.

C) He makes me feel in person how God makes me feel spiritually- cared for, secure, safe, like I can try to conquer anything and he’d be there to catch me if I fell.

But despite all this, it’s eating away at me. It eats away because he’s not in church. I have always longed for a guy who would lead me in prayer. I longed for a man who would lead our family in a journey towards passionate pursuit of Him. A man who would have no qualms of calling a family fast. A man who would be so assured in God’s ways that when God told him something, no matter how crazy it seemed, he’d be willing to drop all for Him- as much as I feel I have done with my life.

I have dropped everything I know and love for Him. I have left home and all that I know to live this life, knowing that He is the one who has taken me here and knowing that all I do is in and for Him. And yet now… here I find myself splintering because here I live this life where I have dropped everything for Him, and yet I find myself attaching more and more to this guy who hadn’t even been to church in years until this past Sunday when he went with me.

I felt like all I deserved was a cosmic spanking.  A beating of epic proportions for doing what I shouldn’t be doing. So I cowered away from God, afraid of how His chastisement would play out.  Would He rip away my blessings? Make me never be able to become a doctor? Cause me to live life unfulfilled- never a doctor, never a missionary, just a nobody with no purpose… which is my greatest fear. To live a life that amounts to nothing- no spiritual legacy, lived my life that amounted to a mountain of nothingness.

Then my friend pointed out that Jesus is a Father to us. He’s our daddy. As my friend said:

 Remember, He’s a Daddy who loves to bless his kids, not a godfather who gives favors in exchange for good behavior…

And it sparked a thought in my mind. Just as my parents have always known how best to reprimand me, God knows how best to chastise me.  If He has a purpose for me becoming a doctor, why would He rip that away as punishment when it would cause me to fall away from the path He truly wants for me? The chastisement needs to match the child.  As I expressed this to my friend, he replied:

Yes… spanking is not the first or best method of training children. Patience and teaching happen for a long time first

So why have I been hiding from God? Afraid to ask Him to help because it felt like I’d be coming to exchange help for a heavy toll.  Would God truly rip away all hope of an Isaac because I just seem so lost and confused right now? I have to hold on to the hope that He is good despite my fears and doubts. I have to hold on to the hope that it is safe to express my doubts to Him and that instead of exchanging punishment for expressing my fears, He will exchange faith and bless me for trusting that He is able to help me overcome the fear and doubt.  I have to hold on to the hope that He truly is a good Father who knows how best to punish me and that just as my parents always knew when I needed something to just help me push through the hard times- that sometimes, even though maybe I deserved a punishment- they gave me a reprieve instead for they knew what was best for ME . I just have to believe that He will know what I need more and what actions are what I need to help prod me to where He wants me to be.

Love,

Jesus You are my love. Jesus You are my everything. Jesus I am holding on to the fact that as my parents have loved me into going the right way in the past, You know what I need more- a rod or a loving prod.  You know what I need more so I have to trust that You aren’t going to just punish me over and over again if I just reach out to You and so I do now.  I reach out to You and believe that You will chastise me how You see fit.  I just keep being hurt over and over again by guys in the church so I just have a hard time believing an Isaac exists for all I see is good guys out of church and guys who are either jerks or will never pursue me in the church. Help me believe that Isaac exists. Help me be like Rebekah yet once again. Help me bring myself back to the roots of it all- passionate pursuit of You as I patiently wait for the day I meet Isaac. Love, my Jesus, You are my God and my salvation.  You are my everything.

Rebekah M.

So last night my parents received an email by someone in another country who has prophesied accurately multiple times. He revealed via visions what has been going on between the guy and I and I could not have been more mortified than that. The guy and I have been physically affectionate and although we didn’t do THAT, we have done stuff.  

My parents’ disappointment has always been THE greatest reprimand that I could ever receive. I want to make them proud. I want to make them feel joy and happiness when they think of me- knowing that I am a good daughter who brings them honor.  The only saving grace was that even in the visions, it was obvious that I didn’t do THAT. However… the whole time my parents were reading the email, I just felt how much it felt like it was God’s way of chastising me. The punishment was the most it could have been before “a cosmic spanking” in which those consequences would be irreversible.

The email ended with the fact that if I do end up doing THAT, my salvation is on the line. We have choices that we all have to make. I need, I MUST, choose to pursue purity in Christ with all that I am, for all that I am today is because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. So without pursuit of purity in Him, I will become nothing.

Lord, despite my mortification and shame, I thank You for Your chastisement that awakens me before I mess up beyond repair. I thank You for Your grace and mercy. I thank You for Your unending love that would even be willing to shame me before my parents, knowing it would spark their full prayer support and an awakening like no other.  I thank You for Your ways, even if they sting right now.  I love You Jesus, 

Rebekah M. 

Related post: http://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/06/the-shame-game/

Just Show Up

Jan11

“You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.” ~Psalm 30:11-12

cross-rejoice

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” ~ 1 John 4:18

Well, God has done it again. I’ve posted earlier this week about needing to regain my focus. And about shame – how the farther you slide, the more tempting it is to hide your face from Christ who is so perfect and righteous.

And God has been doing a work in my heart today, telling me yet again how much He just desires us. He doesn’t desire the ideal of us, the ‘us’ that we’re supposed to be – flawless and righteous all the time. He desires us as we are; no matter how tainted, soiled, dirty we are, we are beautiful in the eyes of God. He knows our hearts and our struggles and our shortcomings even better than we do; He desires us anyway.

The Bible is very clear about being called to be holy and to live a righteous life and to not sin. And those directives are not to be discounted. We are indeed given the tools to be perfect, and we’re told to be. And we try to be. And that is great. That’s how it should be, in fact.

But for those times when that’s not how it is, when we are very much less than perfect and righteous and when we have in fact sinned, do we then hide our faces, knowing that we were told to behave a certain way and failed to do so? No we don’t. Because the punishment will never outweigh the love. And I’m pretty sure that our idea of ‘punishment’ is a worldly definition anyway, not necessarily a spiritual one. God isn’t about judgement and punishment. He is about growing us, and He’s patient with us until we get there. 2 Peter 3:9 even tells us, “The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. Instead He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish but everyone to come to repentence.”  Because when you think about it, it’s not about following the rules. It’s about desiring Him so deeply and being so attuned and led by the Holy Spirit within that our desires are the same as His. It’s about getting our hearts to the place where we love what He loves and detest what He detests and desire what He desires. Getting to the place where things we’d call ‘sin’ aren’t even appealing to us anymore. It takes a lot of growing and a lot of shedding of oneself to get there.

So my prayer partner and I today laid our fear and burdens down, and sought Him together. We knew we might be in a little bit of trouble for losing perspective, but we needed Him. Hiding isn’t particularly helpful, by the way; if we muck up enough to lose focus in the first place, and that is with God’s guidance, we are most certainly going to muck up everything we try to do without Him. And so it was. And truth be told, we missed Him. So we chatted for a bit, bolstered each other, broke down a wall or two of self-denial and self-justification, and then we prayed. We sought God. We waited on Him. We worshiped Him. We loved Him, and we let Him love us again. 

And what I found was not judgement or wrath, but rather a “I’ve missed you and I’ve had so much to tell you and I’m so glad you’re here”. As we were praying, both of us well aware of certain mistakes we’ve been making in our lives and simultaneously praying for others who we think needed it, something cool happened. I was praying over one of her friends, and instead of hearing her own friend’s name, she heard my friend Scott’s name. Scott has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and recently came home after a scary period of time in the hospital.  Anyway, she corrected me. And I said, “what? I didn’t say Scott.” “You definitely did because I definitely heard his name.” “Nope definitely not, Scott’s doing fine and I haven’t really been thinking of him during this prayer time.” SO, rather than figure out whether I misspoke or she misheard, we decided that Scott had been thoroughly inserted into our conversation and so it was best to pray for him too. So we did. And it got a little bit intercessory. It was a little odd, but this certainly isn’t the first time this has happened to us, so we went with it and prayed for Scott. Hard. Then, about an hour later, my roommate (Scott’s best friend of 30 years) came home from work and said, “I have an update on Scott. He’s not doing well.”

So, we were called to pray without even knowing why. And this, my friends, is the God we serve. Not a God who seeks to punish for punishment’s sake, but a God who seeks to spiritually grow us. Sometimes that involves consequences; sometimes it involves mercy. Either way, we are never tarnished enough to dull His desire for us. His love is pure and His plan perfect. This time around, God sent us a very clear message: We don’t always have to be cleansed to come before Him; we don’t have to be perfect vessels to show up in His presence and be used. We just have to show up.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Boldly, Blindly

Nov30

This might quite possibly be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen ever. I mean ever. In the whole entire history of ever. Well, maybe not, but it’s definitely up there.

Ever see a flash mob? When one person starts randomly dancing in a public place, and then more people join in as the song goes on? Well this one was singing instead of dancing. And not just any singing – Christmas singing! And not just any Christmas singing; this one has full-blown rejoicing in Jesus Christ kind of singing! In a mall, of all places!

I’m from the politically correct northeast, so my first thought upon seeing this clip was “this is going to last about 10 seconds until mall security shows up and stops them.” When that didn’t happen, my other thought was “this is definitely not a mall in New England.” When I saw the reaction of all the mall-goers, I decided this was one of the coolest clips ever (in the history of ever).

See, we Christians are so veiled in politically correct behavior. We often don’t dress differently from anybody else (some do, but a vast majority don’t), so we aren’t really used to standing out. We are told that religion is a taboo conversation topic and we don’t talk about Jesus regularly for fear of being judged by the world. Sure, we witness….but publicly? Regularly? As in just showing up and starting to speak? Usually not. Usually when we witness it’s a small, calculated, controlled thing. Often it’s even a one-on-one thing.

These people defied that. They had no idea who was listening or what would happen. But they still stepped out of the politically correct zone in which we live, and celebrated the birth of their king by singing out to any and all who would listen. And were they shunned? Were they judged? Were they ridiculed? No. They weren’t. Instead, the passersby joined in (which is precisely what turned this clip into one of the coolest things ever in the history of ever). See what happens when we walk boldly in faith? God moves! I bet some of those people saw those carols, and the meaning behind them, in a whole new light. Some even went to their knees at the end!! The response of the crowd literally brought tears to my eyes.

Anyway, see for yourselves. And sing along! Don’t be shy!

God bless!

~Rebekah A

 

Love in the Darkness (Love is Kind part 2)

Oct25

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” ~Galatians 6:2

“I’ve tried to peer into the core, But could not storm the sorrow, My hollow heart has bled me dry, left me to stray, Another time without a trace, Condemn me now, Send me to hell, For I’m already failing.” ~ Epica, “Storm The Sorrow”

Today I sent my friend a song. Usually he listens to metal, which admittedly is not my thing. I actually don’t mind the music itself – I think some of the guitar riffs are pretty cool – but the screaming instead of singing is definitely not me, and the lyrics are usually so dark and depressing. And the sad part is, dark and depressing fits him. He lives in a rehab hospital with a terminal illness, rarely gets visitors, goes out only a few times per year, is in constant pain, and has a lifetime of anger he’s dealing with. His temper is unstable and unpredictable, the nurses and staff where he lives fear him, and when I visit him the darkness around him is so thick and oppressive it’s almost tangible. I can tell his spirit is just crying out in pain and loneliness, but rejects all things light. He frequently posts about how miserable he is. Meanwhile, he relates to heavy death metal, embraces it, and surrounds himself with it. The Epica lyrics posted above are just a sample of what surrounds him unceasingly all day long. So usually, when he talks about metal or posts a song, I send him something uplifting (a quote or poem or whatever) to counter it.  But I have to admit, I have known him for 2.5 years now, pray for him often, and only once ever have been able to see the teeniest chink in the armor of darkness. It breaks my heart.

So today, I sent him a song. It was a metal song, but Christian at the same time. The lyrics acknowledged the darkness and desperation in the world….but in the end it also found hope and beauty. I was hoping the song would reach him in a way I couldn’t seem to – that it would meet him in the darkness, and help lift him just a little bit out of it.

As I sent it, and he responded with more metal links (including the less hopeful Epica song I quoted from), I realized something. I had to meet him in the darkness. I couldn’t send him a song to do it, and I couldn’t pray from afar. I had to meet him there, feel the weight of his spirit’s burden, and help him shoulder it. I had to put my preferences and aversion to death metal aside, my aversion to be constantly stereotyped and insulted due to my Christianity, and I had to go to that place of anger and pain and hate. Firmly anchored in Jesus, I went there. I listened to the songs. I will listen again tomorrow. I believe that he sent me songs that resonated with him emotionally, not just arbitrary ones. And so I’ll go where he is emotionally, and I’ll listen. I’ll go where he is, and I’ll talk to him there. I’ll take that darkness, and I won’t try to counter it (I’ll trust Jesus to do that), but I’ll simply help carry it.

Why? Because love is bigger than my own personal preferences. Love is bigger than my sense of judgement. Love means loving someone as they are, not injecting them with the person you think they should be. Love is kind. Kindness doesn’t mean judging someone or changing them. Kindness, true godly kindness, knows no such boundaries or qualifications. Kindness doesn’t merely stand back and point out ‘the right way’. Kindness isn’t afraid to get dirty and physically pull someone out. Think of it this way: you’re stuck in quicksand, and sinking. Possibly to your death (hey, many a movie star has gone before you). The more you struggle, and the more desperate you become, the more you sink. You are stuck and desperate. Two people come along. One stands back and points to where there’s no more quicksand – that’s where you have to go. The other comes along with rope, and goes down to reach you, to help pull you out.  Which person was unconditionally kind? Which person was only kind enough as their self-preservation would allow?

Today, while it only came in the form of a few songs, Jesus told me that He is my rope, and that I have to go into the quicksand with my friend in order to help him climb out. I need to see, as do we all, beyond my sense of self-preservation. I need to love with Jesus’ heart. I can trust Him to move and do the rest, and I can find solace in the fact that I serve a God who casts light on the darkness.

God bless!

~Rebekah A