I have a confession that I’ve hinted at before: I’m sort of seeing this guy who’s not in church. He’s fun, sweet, and is the exact mixture of my Exes that I had said I wished existed in one person- Ex #1′s amount of time he put into me and Ex #2′s sense of adventure and being outdoors and non-demanding-ness. This guy literally pays as much attention to me as Ex #1 did… texting me all day long (with breaks for things like… work LOL!)… but also enjoys being outdoors. Our two hangouts included going on hikes where he made sure that there was a waterfall we could sit by and just sit and talk. He’s thoughtful and sweet and even cleaned off the snow from my car.
However… how does that work with me loving God so much? I can’t help but see that we could have a comfortable life together. We’d have moments of laughter- cooking together, dancing in the kitchen to cute old school music, tickle fights- yeah, he’s that kind of guy. But then we’d have a spiritual discord that I cannot overlook. It makes me continually feel like I’m sowing into the wrong things.
However, he is a soul. He is someone who needs to know God. His boss is a Christian, one of his good friends is a pastor’s son. I truly feel like God wants to reach out to him but am I supposed to be part of the equation or is he just a test for me? Will I hold out for Isaac or go after Ishmael?
At church tonight the preacher asked “are you truly committed to God? because if you are only half committed you will not receive the full blessing from God.” As the sermon progressed, I felt God sing this song to me. Tell me that He’s loved me all of my life and that He was with me. At alter call I told God I was 100% His, making sure that I told God I was laying this guy on His alter in my heart, and the moment I fully meant it, my pastor came along and asked me if I knew how to speak mandarin because they had a new couple there that couldn’t speak English very well and were from China. I had seen them walk in late in service. She told me that they had been passing by and felt God so they came in. She had been searching for God. In China the church she tried to go to once, they said that sickness was because of not believing in God. It was punishment for unbelief. She could not believe that but she wanted to know God and felt Him as she was passing by so she came in… and the moment I gave my heart to God, He used me to help reach her. In my broken Mandarin skills (I’m Chinese, born in America), I told her over and over that Jesus loved her, died for her, wants to live in her heart, it wasn’t an accident that she was there. With tears in her eyes we prayed together- she even told Jesus she loved Him!!! WOW!!!!
Dear readers- this is the amazing grace of our Jesus. I’m messing up- literally potentially flirting with disaster and yet the moment I lay my heart out to Him, He uses me to help minister to a someone who it was clear- I met my appointment with God today. Wow! Wow!!!!! WOW! I feel like dirt, trash and yet He would still use this broken, dirty vessel. Wow! Who am I to be used by the Almighty to reach others? Who am I to be able to say He is good? It has NOTHING to do with my worth and EVERYTHING to do with Him. He has loved you all of your life. You are NOT alone. He is here! He wants to use you to spread the news that He is with each of us every day. Help Him by meeting His appointments. Minister to Him by ministering to others. He has seen you through your darkest night, He is faithful and true. His love will carry us through this broken, lonely, ugly, messy world.
Jesus- I love You so much.