Contemplation

Mar6

When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee. ~ Isaiah 43:2

I’m going through this crazy mental time right now. I’ve gained a few pounds the last few months and the boy is disappearing more and more from my life. I know that I’m the one who told him that I couldn’t date him. I know that I’m the one who didn’t contradict him when he said he didn’t have a pretty girl to kiss when he was down. I know that I’m the one who said he was what I wanted, but not what I needed (because I needed a praying man).

I miss him though. He still talks to me every day, but before where it was 4 or 5 hour gap at most… it can literally be only a little in the morning or night now. I miss feeling like he was my constant companion even when it was only via text most of the time. The niche he found for himself in my life now feels empty and a gaping hole.

Tonight, one of my guy friends texted me out of the blue to tell me about how things weren’t going well with the girl he was chasing. Said he messed up with her because he was pursuing her too much when she needed space. This is the same guy who I said was the example of what I’m looking for in a guy.

Part of me kept wondering what in the world was wrong with her for not running towards him with all she had. Here is this amazing, Godly, thoughtful guy who truly loves Christ and she just didn’t want to date him why? because he was attentive??? I just don’t get it but all I do know is that a slight part of me wanted to be like “me! pick me! I’m here! I love Jesus just as much as you do! Open your eyes!” but… he’s never, ever offered anything besides friendship to me. I gave up on him ever thinking of me as anything beyond a friend years ago.

So here I sit, on the heels of amazing news that I passed my boards and yet my heart is still heavy…

Lord,

Help me to hope in You. I know You have all things in Your hands so help me praise You even with my heavy heart. Help me put on the garment of praise. Help me to love You with all my heart so that this stuff has no effect on me. Shield me in Your hands. Hold me while I have a heavy heart when I should be rejoicing. Help me shed this feeling of being inadequate, of feeling like no man will find me attractive, to just re-see my worth in You again. Remind me You are walking with me in this emotional time in which things must be burned away and out of my heart.

Rebekah M.

Made Beautiful

Mar2

“….Only company he keeps is the dirt caked in his hands,

Cracked shoes held together by a rubber band,

His worth shows in his eyes,

Cast down to the ground, beaten down by lies,

he’s made beautiful”.

The above words went through my head as lyrics on the subway the other day, when I spotted a homeless man on the train. Surrounded by dirty blankets on the subway floor, filthy, with rubber bands holding his shoes together, he sat alone. His mere presence seemed enough to repel most other passengers, and the ones who were forced to share his car sat as far from him as possible.

And it struck me that this man was also made beautiful. To this day he has a Savior walking right next to him, loving him and weeping for him. He was loved so much that Jesus brought him into this world in the first place, and His perfect love hasn’t waned a bit. I wonder if this man knows that. Probably not. But either way, my heart broke for him. Broke to see someone beloved by the King of kings reduced to worthlessness here on earth.

And before I knew it, I was singing. Just an improvised song, and incomplete, but it still had verses and a chorus and a tune. And I sang it in the middle of the subway (softly). I meant to just process it all but suddenly there was a song coming out of my mouth.

And suddenly it hit me. The only difference between me and that man – so beaten down and made worthless by the world – is that I had more people in my life who followed their God-given calling when it came to me. I mean, that’s really the only barrier. I didn’t always know Jesus, His love for me, or my worth in Him. I was lost, and wandering, and an emotional wreck. I was saved. I wonder how this man started out, how he played as a child, who his friends were. I wonder if his parents showed him unconditional love, if there was anyone there to pray for his every milestone. I wonder how he got from being carried in the womb to being the ‘dregs’ of society. I wonder if anyone will ever save him.

Most of all I wonder if anyone ever saw him as he truly is – made beautiful.

I implore you all to reach out to the ‘least of these’. The world would have you walk by. But Jesus is beside them too, asking all who walk by to embrace them. Be the one who listens. Pray with them. Love on them. Show them the love that created them, and the beauty they were made with.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

A Faithless Spouse

Feb9

I’ve been reading Ezekiel lately and one chapter has been jumping out at me for a couple of days now. It’s Ezekiel 16, about the faithless spouse. In this chapter, God speaks about a baby girl who was completely abandoned and left to die. He saved her, took care of her, raised her and when she was older He lavished her with beauty and gifts. Instead of being grateful for the gifts and using them to serve her Creator, she flaunted them – and herself. She used these things to get attention and whore herself. The chapter is an analogy about Israel’s behavior towards the Lord and His word, but I can’t help but feel that it’s relevant in the church today. Especially the western church.

I feel like we are blessed with so many gifts. We’re given daily little miracles pertaining to our personal lives. As a body, we’re given discernment, wisdom, prophecy, the Holy Spirit, revelations, teachings, visions, prayer language, and so much more. We’re given an identity. We’re given a destiny. We’re given an inheritance. So many gifts that we don’t even think about as gifts – most people just think they’re part of Church.

But gifts they are. Precious jewels and jewelry, bestowed upon us by the One who outshines anything this earth could produce.

And yet….too often we cloud our visions and prophecies with our own desires. Too often we scratch our gemstones with our fear and failure to move at God’s command, and we tarnish our gold and silver bracelets with our own agendas. Yes, we may still have some semblance of good. We may still go through the motions. But even if we’re giving generously, if it’s the tarnished and damaged version that we’re giving, it’s not nearly as good .

I don’t want to be a faithless spouse. I don’t want to waste these precious gives. And when I share what I have with others, I want to share my gems with all the brilliance they were created with. I don’t want to share sub-par gifts, dulled and tainted with my own weakness. I don’t want the rest of the church to do so either.

And so today I ask God to search my heart and to guide me as I pray for my own gifts to be restored to their initial flawless state – and for the discipline and obedience required to keep them that way. I ask for guidance in praying the same over the rest of the body. The polishing process isn’t always an easy or a gentle one but the end result is well worth it.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Unexpected Blessings: Concerts and Policemen

Nov14

Concerts:

Tonight, I got to go to the concert of a conductor friend of mine. He has worked so hard to get to where he is today. It was amazing to me that I was there for his very first performance back in high school and today, I was able to see him conduct a powerful group of singers in a prestigious music program. My how far we can go! I was unsure if I should take time away from church (my last service here in this city) to go, but then on my way I felt God tell me it was okay. Low and behold, the last song was about putting our hands to the plow, holding on, and moving forward. The vocals were phenomenal- it reminded me that God’s creation is so amazing and perfect. That JUST voices could create such a beautiful, powerful sound struck me with awe for His great ways. To top it off with lyrics that hold such meaning…. what a blessing where I was least expecting it!!!

Policemen:

All my life I struggled with self esteem issues until Ex #1 broke up with me, I went on an over 2 month fast, and God transformed me so completely from the inside out that I realized it was GOD esteem that mattered. It doesn’t matter what I look like on the outside, and yet I realized that God made me beautiful. I saw who GOD saw me as and so it mattered more that I was praying than grooming time did. I cared more for thinking of what things pleased Him than I did about how I could do things to please guys in how they saw me. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was that God created me beautiful. Lately, I’ve felt fat. I’d look in the mirror and for some reason, even though I haven’t gone up a size in clothes yet, all I see is the fatness.

Tonight, as I was walking back to my room at the hospital (I’m living in the hospital this month), one of the policemen that guard the ER asked me out. He was tall, good looking, and straight up stopped me to ask me out- my kind of guy! It was just so assuring because it felt like to me that Jesus was saying “see? You are still beautiful, even when you don’t see it. I will bring you a husband… in MY timing.” For along with the feelings of physical ugliness, I just starting wishing I had a husband. My brain would ruminate over the fact that Ex #1 is married (while I am not), so many other people are married, and so many others are also having kids and sending them to pre-school etc. etc. etc.

I want a family that lives for Jesus. I want a husband who will lead us all on this journey towards Christ with a passion for the God of creation. I want a man who will be a father to our children, a prayer partner that connects with my spirit, and a friend who gets my soul. I also realized I’m pretty superficial and hope he’s CUTE! haa! Is my definition of cute the same as everyone else’s? Not always. haa haa! And this policeman was certainly good looking in my book! So I think Jesus was just saying- wait some more on ME, my child. Wait.

Jesus,

Thank You for these unexpected blessings. Thank You for things to make me smile and soothe my weary soul. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for reminding me You find me beautiful. Give me strength to just WAIT. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

BTW- for those wondering, I told him I was moving tomorrow (because I am) so I wouldn’t be able to go on a date with him… it was still a nice way to end my day though

Off the Back Burner

Sep27

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 8:38-39

Jesus loves us. This we know (for the Bible tells us so…). Song aside, this is a simple fact. He loves us with a love so pure and deep it is beyond our comprehension. We as Christians know this. We also know that God is a jealous God (see Exodus 34), and desires us – the dedication of our whole being.

As loved and desired as we are by our Lord Jesus Christ, we do a great job of ignoring Him in return. So many of us turn to Him to get us through the hard times, or to guide us over a rocky patch. Then when things are going well again, we stop seeking Him as strongly. We know better than to think we can do this life thing on our own, yet we still begin spending less time with Him. On an intellectual level, we know we need Him. But on a heart level, we think we’re doing ok, and we do our thing. Sure, sometimes we reach out to Jesus or worship or pray, but it’s not as often and not as heartfelt.

Then, sure enough, the tide turns again and times turn tough. Relationships end. And then we’re right back to seeking God again for help. Driven by pain, desperation, and loneliness, we seek out our Father for comfort and healing. He gives it, and gives us love and peace. So what do we do? We rejoice that we’re all better, and we leave Him alone again.

Basically, there is a huge tendency among Christians to turn Jesus into our rebound guy. We go after things that look and sound good here on earth. When they turn out to be false or not so great after all, we go crawling back to Jesus. We keep Him on the back burner for the times we need His, and when we don’t, our walk so often grows complacent.

Readers, this is not the way to treat the lover of your soul. He is not meant as a crutch. He is meant to be our everything. Do we truly, TRULY desire Him above all other things and people that can be found in this world? Truly? Because we should.

In the Bible, Rebekah left everything she knew – her home, her family and friends – in order to follow her Isaac to his home land and be his wife. Up til now, we have always considered Isaac to be a person. But what if he isn’t? After all, we are told that we are Christ’s bring, aren’t we? So, what if the example is really telling us that this is the way we’re supposed to follow Christ rather than a fellow human? Completely, purely following Him, counting everything that’s currently in our lives as worth leaving, for the sole purpose of loving Him and only Him for eternity.

Today I ask you readers if this example reflects your walk with Him. And if it doesn’t, it is time to revisit your relationship with Him. If we courted Him, loved Him, desired Him, and waited for Him as often as He did for us, our lives would not be even remotely the same as they are today. We can never reach that ideal because we can never fully grasp the entirety of God’s love for us, but we can still at least try!

I invite you to open your hearts and bring God in – away from the back burner and into the center. Take Him off of the rebound list and start to seek Him for the sake of Himself – not for an assist through the tough stuff. Strive to love Him and desire Him as He does us.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

His Creation All Around Me

Sep21

“The heavens are Yours, and Yours also the earth; You founded the world and all that is in it.” ~Psalm 89:11

Walking to the grocery store today, I was struck repeatedly by how beautiful everything was around me. Granted, I live in an urban area, so natural beauty is more scarce here than other places. But still, people plant flowers and there’s the occasional tree on a side street.

Today for some reason, the colors just seemed extra bright, the designs extra beautiful, the outside air extra refreshing. Even the bugs seemed beautiful in there own way – and I hate bugs. Why? Because today for some reason, I just had an overwhelming sense of God’s presence. He is in this world. He is here. Not a single shape or color in a flower, not a single branch or leaf of a tree, not a single blade of grass or feather in a bird, has escaped His notice. He brought it all into being. Our Father is so creative!!

With this in mind, I had to rejoice. For if He pays such attention to the details of nature and still objects, how much more attention is paid to we who must actively follow a path? Not a single step we take, trait we possess, laugh we laugh, or tear we cry escapes His notice. He is in this world. He is here. He’s with us and in us, and we are never alone. How amazing is that?

On the way home, I was passed by a man in a hurry. I felt a big urge to pray for him. Distance was quickly building between him and me. He didn’t seem friendly. His headphones were on. And suddenly he ducked into the post office and appeared to be busy. There were a million little reasons such as these to not stop him and pray for him. So, I didn’t. I prayed for him on my own, but I did not stop and lay hands on him the way I felt like I needed to.

The sense of failure was profound. But beyond that was a sweet reminder. It doesn’t matter how much we mess up, or how many times. It doesn’t matter how broken people are, or what horrific acts occur. He is in this world. He is here. There is hope.

God bless!

~Rebekah A

Song Of the Day: Imagine Me by Kirk Franklin

Aug3

I think many of us have a hard time seeing our worth. I know the other two Rebekah’s have admitted to this in the past and I know for myself it can be especially true at certain moments. I’ve seen how self-doubt and insecurity has chained me in the past from moving forward towards the wonders that God has in store for me and yet, when I just give it all to Him, He still makes things work out.

Those things from my past are gone.

Those things in YOUR past, dear reader, are gone when You just give it over to Christ.

I don’t know who this post is for, but I so strongly believe that God wants someone out there to see what He’s been saying to me all week: we can be made new in Him!!

Let the things of your past fall away as you learn to give God the things of your past and let them fall away. Our hopes and dreams are secure in Him if we would just trust Him to help us meet it fearlessly. We should never go through life thinking we are invincible on our own, but we should have a Godly confidence that regardless of our faults, God is enough to make up the difference. Regardless as what we see as things that mar our beauty, we are perfect in His sight when we come before Him in the beauty of sincerity and holiness.

Someone out there suffering from past hurts- let them go!!! Let God take them!!! He is able! My life is a living testimony of having had someone rip my heart to shreds and finding in Jesus- not another man, nor a career, nor anything else this world tries to offer- everything I needed!! I’m sure there are those who have suffered so much more than I have and yet everything in me screams that HE IS ABLE. There is NOTHING that He cannot handle- even your deepest pains and scars. Look to Him and find the healing you’ve been seeking today.

I normally don’t do this but if you would, say this prayer with me as you read this:

Jesus,

I come before You in brokenness and in my shame. I am nothing without You. Heal me from the things of my past. Take away the feelings of worthlessness and pain. Forgive me for my past sins. Make me a mosaic- a masterpiece created from the broken. Fused so completely that people no longer see the process of breaking it took to create it- only the beauty of the finished product. Lord, heal me so much that I am able to become a light to those who follow after and are looking for what You have to offer. Jesus, I give it all to You now and I thank You for Your goodness and mercy. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life (Ps. 23:6). I worship You Jesus. I thank You Lord for Your healing power. I love You Jesus with all my heart.

Rebekah M.

Thou Art Fair

Apr17

Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee. ~ Song of Solomon 4:7

So often females feel inferior, ugly, fat, and stupid. When I was growing up, two of the boys from my church teased me relentlessly about my weight. It was to the point that I was once chased out of the church while they called me a whale. Was I overweight? Yes. But between their actions and my own family’s actions of trying to “encourage” me to lose weight only served to bury a deep seated fear that guys find me ugly and fat.

Shortly after my ex “accepted” that we were going to get married by freely telling me he had picked out a ring, he started in on my physical appearance. He sounded excited musing about the fact that I would, like all females getting married, want to lose as least ten pounds. He quickly went into how exactly I must go about this- demanding that I go to the gym 1hr, 3-5 days a week. As I argued with him telling him I hated the gym and even trying to compromise by promising to workout in my house that much, I began to feel more and more ugly. I wondered, how could this male tell me that he loved me and yet want to change how I look so much? Did he ever love me I mused. As things continued to deteriorate, it became clear that the answer to that question was “not the way I need and certainly not the way God does.”

I don’t want to be too harsh on my ex and say he never loved me at all.. just that it is NOTHING like this Jesus of mine. This God we serve and adore- He loves us beyond all things. He didn’t come and die for birds, He didn’t come and die even for the majestic deer; He came to die for sinners like you and me. I am SO beautiful in His eyes and He whispers it to my heart every day. I am fair. I am beautiful. I am a priceless treasure to the God of this universe. Dear reader- I hope you realize that you too are just as beautiful and priceless in His eyes!!!! True beauty comes from having a confidence in who you are in Christ. No man or woman can ever take you down when you realize this fact. After my ex dumped me and I emerged from weeks of fasting, guys started appearing in my life like crazy. For a while it seemed like I couldn’t even handle them all in my life. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be in a situation where so many guys IN CHURCH would be trying to talk to me. I realized it was because I now knew who I was in Christ and just how much He loved me. My closeness to Jesus drew people to me more than ever before because I confidently went about my life, knowing that I was loved so completely and deeply by the God of this universe.

Jesus,

I thank You that love me so much. I thank You that Your love frees me to do all the things that You have for my hands to do. I thank You that Your love frees me to live this life to the fullest. I thank You that no one will ever adore me as much as You do. I love and adore You Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

Rebekah M.