I wrote this post yesterday afternoon shortly after yesterday’s, timing it to be published later this week. Today, I received my chastisement and Rebekah L invited me to take her day to write about things as they have happened… it floors me how I wrote this PRIOR to what happened. I’ll explain more at the end.
So I have been trying to work through all the layers of feelings behind why I have been falling into this relationship with this guy and there are MANY things I see.
A) He and I truly have SO many things in common. We’re only a month different in age so we know MUCH of the same references from childhood and we always find something outdoors to do.
B) We communicate well together. It’s kind of freaky when we randomly hit a stride in our convos where his or my texts are the answers to what the other person is texting that moment. Granted it makes sense in a way because conversations are on topics and thus have a finite amount of topic space, but it has happened multiple times in the same conversation before. Also, he and I text/skype/message each other throughout the day. It never feels too much or too little.
C) He makes me feel in person how God makes me feel spiritually- cared for, secure, safe, like I can try to conquer anything and he’d be there to catch me if I fell.
But despite all this, it’s eating away at me. It eats away because he’s not in church. I have always longed for a guy who would lead me in prayer. I longed for a man who would lead our family in a journey towards passionate pursuit of Him. A man who would have no qualms of calling a family fast. A man who would be so assured in God’s ways that when God told him something, no matter how crazy it seemed, he’d be willing to drop all for Him- as much as I feel I have done with my life.
I have dropped everything I know and love for Him. I have left home and all that I know to live this life, knowing that He is the one who has taken me here and knowing that all I do is in and for Him. And yet now… here I find myself splintering because here I live this life where I have dropped everything for Him, and yet I find myself attaching more and more to this guy who hadn’t even been to church in years until this past Sunday when he went with me.
I felt like all I deserved was a cosmic spanking. A beating of epic proportions for doing what I shouldn’t be doing. So I cowered away from God, afraid of how His chastisement would play out. Would He rip away my blessings? Make me never be able to become a doctor? Cause me to live life unfulfilled- never a doctor, never a missionary, just a nobody with no purpose… which is my greatest fear. To live a life that amounts to nothing- no spiritual legacy, lived my life that amounted to a mountain of nothingness.
Then my friend pointed out that Jesus is a Father to us. He’s our daddy. As my friend said:
Remember, He’s a Daddy who loves to bless his kids, not a godfather who gives favors in exchange for good behavior…
And it sparked a thought in my mind. Just as my parents have always known how best to reprimand me, God knows how best to chastise me. If He has a purpose for me becoming a doctor, why would He rip that away as punishment when it would cause me to fall away from the path He truly wants for me? The chastisement needs to match the child. As I expressed this to my friend, he replied:
Yes… spanking is not the first or best method of training children. Patience and teaching happen for a long time first
So why have I been hiding from God? Afraid to ask Him to help because it felt like I’d be coming to exchange help for a heavy toll. Would God truly rip away all hope of an Isaac because I just seem so lost and confused right now? I have to hold on to the hope that He is good despite my fears and doubts. I have to hold on to the hope that it is safe to express my doubts to Him and that instead of exchanging punishment for expressing my fears, He will exchange faith and bless me for trusting that He is able to help me overcome the fear and doubt. I have to hold on to the hope that He truly is a good Father who knows how best to punish me and that just as my parents always knew when I needed something to just help me push through the hard times- that sometimes, even though maybe I deserved a punishment- they gave me a reprieve instead for they knew what was best for ME . I just have to believe that He will know what I need more and what actions are what I need to help prod me to where He wants me to be.
Jesus You are my love. Jesus You are my everything. Jesus I am holding on to the fact that as my parents have loved me into going the right way in the past, You know what I need more- a rod or a loving prod. You know what I need more so I have to trust that You aren’t going to just punish me over and over again if I just reach out to You and so I do now. I reach out to You and believe that You will chastise me how You see fit. I just keep being hurt over and over again by guys in the church so I just have a hard time believing an Isaac exists for all I see is good guys out of church and guys who are either jerks or will never pursue me in the church. Help me believe that Isaac exists. Help me be like Rebekah yet once again. Help me bring myself back to the roots of it all- passionate pursuit of You as I patiently wait for the day I meet Isaac. Love, my Jesus, You are my God and my salvation. You are my everything.
So last night my parents received an email by someone in another country who has prophesied accurately multiple times. He revealed via visions what has been going on between the guy and I and I could not have been more mortified than that. The guy and I have been physically affectionate and although we didn’t do THAT, we have done stuff.
My parents’ disappointment has always been THE greatest reprimand that I could ever receive. I want to make them proud. I want to make them feel joy and happiness when they think of me- knowing that I am a good daughter who brings them honor. The only saving grace was that even in the visions, it was obvious that I didn’t do THAT. However… the whole time my parents were reading the email, I just felt how much it felt like it was God’s way of chastising me. The punishment was the most it could have been before “a cosmic spanking” in which those consequences would be irreversible.
The email ended with the fact that if I do end up doing THAT, my salvation is on the line. We have choices that we all have to make. I need, I MUST, choose to pursue purity in Christ with all that I am, for all that I am today is because of Him. Without Him, I am nothing. So without pursuit of purity in Him, I will become nothing.
Lord, despite my mortification and shame, I thank You for Your chastisement that awakens me before I mess up beyond repair. I thank You for Your grace and mercy. I thank You for Your unending love that would even be willing to shame me before my parents, knowing it would spark their full prayer support and an awakening like no other. I thank You for Your ways, even if they sting right now. I love You Jesus,
Related post: http://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/06/the-shame-game/