But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. ~Matthew 6:33
This journey of mine has been incredible. Where I once felt like my life had fallen apart, I now know that my life is just beginning. Where once I had felt like I lost my future of the handsome, sweet husband, beautiful twin boys, and sweet little princess all living for Jesus, I know that regardless of the dreams a boy says to you, it doesn’t always mean he will follow through with them but God’s dreams for you will always stand. For almost two months now, I didn’t care whether I lived or died since my dreams were shattered. I wouldn’t do anything to speed the process along, but I didn’t care should the Lord decide to take me. After my car accident a little over a week ago, I wondered why He didn’t just take me because I was in the middle of praying- I knew where I would have gone. (Please know though that after God freed my heart last Sunday, I’m now ready to LIVE for HIM.)
This journey first started end of November when my boyfriend of the time asked for a break. The next day I spent it sobbing in bed, unable to do anything but pray desperately to God and try to hold on to anything else within me. For those who haven’t read my other post, just a few weeks prior he had told me he was getting me THE ring, it was all picked out but he was just saving up to get it and then after a few rough weeks he’s looking at me in the middle of a restaurant saying that he hadn’t even wanted to talk to me on the phone two nights before and felt he needed a break. After a day of sobbing and praying in my bed God told me I had two choices:
1) fear, worry, and doubt Him in this time or
2) worship Him knowing that He had all things in His hands
I chose worship.
Last weekend, between the conference and the sunday services at my church, I felt something break. For two months now I have been fasting, praying at least 3 times a day, and especially in this last month pursuing Him with all that I have. Friday night post-service at the conference, I had a single guy on each side of me at the restaurant paying me attention. Never in my life have I felt like a belle of a ball like I did then- and I was openly talking about God and how good He is! The next day, the very guy that I had said to Jesus “Lord, he’s cute. Wouldn’t it be nice if he’d say hello to me?” stopped me to say hello as I was passing by! In the middle of this week, another guy has randomly entered my life via mutual friends and the first “get to know me” thing he asked was what sort of adventures have I been on before. I quickly mentioned two then noted that more than any other adventure was doing things for God like saying something to a person that God heavily laid on my heart and finding out it’s what they’ve been praying about all week. After a lag in reply I said “Lord, if he doesn’t reply so be it- I’m not going to hide my love for You,” the next day he replied with stories of his own!!
Rarely in my life have I felt pursued. Even when my ex and I were dating I still only briefly (for about a month or two) felt like he was pursuing me… much of the time I was worried he was ashamed of me since he never really wanted to introduce me to people and once he started to, he was telling me I had to get to the gym etc. These guys however… it amazes me that I’m not even worried about them half as much as I would have before, I’m surprised there’s more than one, and I unashamedly speak of my passion for Jesus and it seems to make them even more interested!
Please take in the underlying concepts I’m trying to get across today: worship Him in the storm and live unashamedly for Him. I went from shattered dreams to having a full life before me. I don’t look like a super model; I’m not super amazingly special; yet, it seems guys are crawling out of the woodwork and I cannot even believe it myself! Lord, You amaze me. In shining for You brighter than ever, it draws guys my way and it amazes me! I pray You help me continue to seek You first for You’ve told me that the guys will all sort themselves out in the end. Help me to unashamedly be a light for You and point the way to Your goodness, mercy, and grace. I love You Jesus with all my heart.