They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.~ John 17:16
As I was driving to church tonight I once again had a strong overwhelming feeling of wanting to go HOME. Ever since things went sour with my past relationship, I just lost a strong desire to be here on this earth. Please do not misunderstand me, I am NOT suicidal. I would never take my life nor bring harm to myself needlessly. In Spring 2009 my cousin committed suicide and it took me almost two years to get over the grief. The deep abiding pain that I failed someone cut repeatedly at me and at the weirdest moments. After that it made me solidify the belief that suicide is never an option.
That being said, my desire to be at Jesus’ feet worshiping Him and being where He is the light is so much stronger than my desire to be here anymore. I sometimes feel trapped here on earth. That feeling came back so strongly as I was driving to church today that I was sobbing as I drove, asking Jesus why can’t I just go HOME. I know with all my heart that He has a reason, and yet I just want to be with Him so much more than I want anything else in this world right now. There is no person, place, or thing that I want more than I want Jesus.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this right now. Is there someone You are trying to draw into a deeper desire for You? Is there anything that someone might gain by reading this post with all my raw emotions just laid out there like this? I pray that somehow, some way, You use this to touch someone. Lord, while I no longer care for the things of this world, use this to help me to just give You my all then. I am empty of desires and wants so fill it with You. Is that what happened? After things fell apart did You empty me of everything so that in time, You will fill it again with YOUR wants and desires for me? Lord, just use me as You will, use me however You want. I thank You that I was allowed to minister to the nursing home residents today in piano and song. I thank You that I am given the privilege to go to church and worship along side others who love You as well. Help me be an encouragement and light to those who need it. Teach me Your ways so that I may walk in them. Fill me with You.