We love Him, because He first loved us. ~ I John 4:19
Today, I randomly blurted out “I hate him!” And it floored me. Something in my gut said this intense feeling about my ex was more than just that. God freed me from him and our relationship; so then why did I say that and so intensely? It led me to go check his facebook and I saw what happened… he had defriended me. This whole time I have done nothing to him, things started going south- I prayed and fasted for him. He changes his status on facebook without telling me we were officially broken up- I never breathe a word to his friends or those who know him. God leads me to send him one last text of “I forgive you. I pray you have a blessed rest of your life” and he responds with “ok thank you.” In my book that was the end of that. So why defriend me all these weeks later?
This led to an exploration of what was truly going on within me. On the phone with my prayer partner, I realized that I truly am neutral about my ex and wish him well. However, I realized that deep down I resent myself for changing so much for someone who would treat me SO poorly. Self-loathing welled up when I thought of how much I killed parts of myself off just to please someone who threw me away like dirty trash.
It cut at me that my “first love” as SO completely undeserving of me and my heart. But as I sat in my prayer closet crying, Jesus quietly whispered to my heart “he was not your first love, I was.” And the freedom that came with that was SO amazing. His love washed over me once again and I knew just how true this statement was. Oh Lord, I love You so very much. I’m still sorry for ever giving my heart away for a short time to someone who could never care for it like You do.
July 19, 2000, we had a sacrificial giving night at church camp and at the time, I owned a Baby-G watch that my aunt and uncle in Japan gave to me. It had dolphins and I rocked that thing like I was hot. I LOVED that watch, and so as people were pouring things on the alter, I said to God, “I will give You whatever You want, just not this watch.” So I dedicated 7 years of my life to Him and Him alone. To be single and not date. Little did it strike me that those were the main dating years for many Pentecostals like myself (16-23), but I made the promise and stuck to it (I also gave the watch to my pastor the next day because I realized that NOTHING should come between Him and myself). In those years, I learned to make God my first love and although I could have done a better job focusing on Him, I know that it was worth it.
When my ex and I started dating we based our relationship on Jesus. I started falling in love with him when he took me to pray at his church on one of our first dates. Prayers were answered almost instantaneously. It was amazing to see how God moved when we bound together in Him. There seemed to be signs everywhere that we were meant to be (even prophets telling him I was the one for him). Soon, however, we started turning towards each other and a few months in, as I was leaving a restaurant he stole my first kiss. It was so unexpected and he did it so impetuously that he accidentally honked the horn of my car as he practically fell on me. Even with my previous conviction to leave my first kiss for the alter, I just shrugged and grabbed him back for a second kiss and that led to the beginning of a very painful end.
Never, never, never compromise who you are or things that you feel God wants you to do for someone else. My ex had told me he would never date anyone who wouldn’t kiss him so prior to that first kiss, I had hinted that I was wavering on that conviction. I didn’t say “because I want you more than God” but looking back, that was what was in my heart. Whomever I end up with, it will be easy to pick out the bad weeds if any of these guys refuse to date me because I won’t kiss again until my wedding day. If you are still young and haven’t had your first love make Jesus your first love. That feeling of self-loathing left me the moment I realized that Jesus was my first love. Even if I let someone else borrow my heart for a bit, my first love- Jesus- has NEVER let me down. My first love will ALWAYS be there for me. My first love is the only One worthy of my heart and one day, He’ll allow some lucky guy to help hold my heart, but not yet. For those who are in a place of regret over a past relationship (s), know that redemption is found in Him. I buried myself in Him, abhorred myself before Him, and found Him with unending grace, love, mercy, and faithfulness for me. He is just waiting to wash it all away from you.
Jesus, I love You with all my heart.