As April fast approaches I find myself unsure of what to do. For weeks I anticipated the month rolling in and being super excited and ready to start my new dating life. Although there are two really wonderful guys in my life right now (and they know about each other and that I don’t know who I want to win more yet), it seems there are a few who are trying to throw their hat in the race and I just don’t know. I genuinely like these two front runners but which to choose? What if they’re like pappa and mamma bear porridge? What I’m looking for but something’s just a little off? How will I even know since right now both seem like pretty good choices?
In times like these I feel like the only thing I can do is let God figure it out for me. He told me back in February that they’d sort themselves all out and so I just have to trust that they will. When I come to a fork in the road (or perhaps MANY forks in the road haa haa) I want to choose NOW and not deviate and just keep pushing forward. As one of the guys is discovering, I’m incredibly stubborn. It’s a good thing when it comes to things that are commitments (such as finishing up medical school), but bad when flexibility is necessary.
Talking with some of the girls from church last night, it really made me recommit the idea of looking for an Isaac. I truly do want a man who loves and trust God so much that he’d willingly lay down his life at his Father’s command. As Isaac was a foreshadowing for Christ when he obeyed his father and got on the alter, so should our husbands be a reflection of Christ in our life (as we are to be of the church).
Isaac was also known as a well digger. I want a man so full of Jesus that everyone around him is uplifted just being around him. I want his life to so reflect Christ that he becomes a well to those around him who are seeking God’s everlasting water. I need a man who is so full of Christ that more than just patiently waiting for me to work through my fears (like my ex tried to do at first), he’d lead me in prayer when I have fears. It has always been my deepest fear that any guy who gets close to me will suddenly think I’m ugly and horrific (on the inside and out). Interestingly enough, when it would seem my ex did just that, instead I feel like he just ran away because of his own fears.
The question needs to be asked then… am I the Rebekah that a man like that is looking for? Have I allowed good fruits to be cultivated within myself (with God as the gardener)? Am I becoming a Proverbs 31 woman? Will my future children call me blessed and my future husband praise me?
I ask You now to help me once again lay these guys in Your hands. I don’t know who is better suited for me. I keep wondering if they’re going to just ditch me like my ex did. I keep waiting for them to just leave me in their dust as unwanted trash. Alay my fears and help me just focus on my daily tasks. Renew in me my commitment to growing in You and in becoming the kind of woman that the kind of man I’m looking for wants. I need Your strength, I need Your wisdom, I need Your help, I need You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.