I know your works: behold, I have set before you an open door, and no man can shut it: for you have a little strength, and have kept my word, and have not denied my name.~ Revelation 3:8
This month has been hard blog-wise. I have only had internet sporadically and have had to post on my phone or (as can be noted) occasionally missed a day of posting. Here, back in civilization with internet, I come to the place of wondering. These guys, I’m finally meeting one in person and he even brought me little gifts of things I love (pretty slick I know!) 🙂 But who does God want for me? Does He even want one of these guys or is there another? How do I know? One of my friends said to me “why don’t you just enjoy the time and see where God takes everything? Perhaps neither of these guys are the ‘one’ and you’re stressing over nothing.” And so I come to this place of contemplation.
With my last relationship I feel like I was trying to pry the door open. Things started shutting (although they had looked like they were wide open at first) and I freaked out. It was only towards the end that I let go and let God take over and when those doors shut… THEY SHUT! haa haa but it was truly, truly for my best. I was so blinded by who I THOUGHT I loved that I never saw the real him- or even allowed myself to see all the ways he was hurting me.
I told one of the guys some of my fears yesterday- he was sharing one of his life-long dreams and it freaked me out. Here’s this wonderful guy sharing an amazing dream of his with me and I’m meeting another guy in just a few hours? I freaked on him. I didn’t want to hurt such a great guy but I didn’t know where things would go with the other wonderful guy. Such a dilemma, I know- two great, Godly guys and I don’t know which to pick even though many don’t even have one right now! But I fear hurting whomever doesn’t win and then I have to come back to the place of realizing that it’s God who opens the doors, it’s God who shuts these doors, and it is ultimately God who will hold everyone’s hearts and protect us all from hurting each other if we continue to prayerfully seek Him in these relationships.
I love You so very much. I truly mean it when I say You were my first love and You will always be my love. I need You more than ever to help protect each of our hearts in this situation. I don’t want anyone hurt but I also have a hard time not trying to get to know these guys better when they’re both just such great, fantastic guys who love You. Lead and guide us on this journey and open the doors You wish and close those that You wish. I pray there is a purpose to each of these relationships and that in the end, the right guy will win me… even if that’s someone else entirely or someone who’s already in the race. I love You Jesus with all my heart.