So I find myself post declaration just completely and utterly failing. I don’t even feel like admitting what’s going on it’s so pathetic. No, I’m not dating anyone but after finding out I’m single again, a few guys have tried to jump on getting me to notice them and I’m not exactly stopping them. I do tell them all I’m only looking for friendship right now, but part of me feels like I should just go into seclusion for a while. Even worse yet is that Ex #2 is doing exactly what I asked: keeping in contact. If anything it seems he does want to get to know me better as I practically begged him to do before breaking up with me.
My heart is crying out: what are you doing?!?!?!
Part of me wants to call him up and scream for him to leave me alone. Let me move on. Even though I asked him to give us a second chance, part of me is hurt and just wants to walk away from him. The other part wishes he’d just jump in full force and stop dragging his feet since I’m ready to do things like make a survival bracelet for him (he has one already in orange) in his favorite color (blue) and with each knot I tie, pray a blessing into his life.
Just help me to calm. You keep speaking to my heart, saying: “Stay here with me, child. Here, in this moment. Be here in this moment with me my child, I will carry you.” It’s so hard though when so much of my heart wants to just cry out to Ex #2- don’t you see how good we could be? If you’d just turn things over to God, we could take on the world together and nothing could ever stop us. When I’m with him I feel more fearless, I feel more ready to take on challenges I never thought I would (like when we went mountain biking together). I feel ready to take on the world. If we could channel that into God’s kingdom… wow! Just… wow! and perhaps that’s exactly why we were split up- perhaps it was a spiritual battle and Ex #2 lost? All I do know is that part of me keeps feeling like God is saying “if he comes back to you- it will be forever. If he comes back to you- it will be because he has learned to trust me more.” So I sit and try to trust but saying is so much easier than doing… Help me Lord.