I’m a go getter. I’m the girl who fights for things in this world and accomplishes them in Jesus name. I’m the girl who has done insane things in this life and sometimes *I* don’t even think anyone should have had all the experiences that I’ve had in my short life. From starting an alternative spring break program on campus that raised over $30K in less than 5 months, to being part of a search and rescue of a downed pilot, to having told people what I thought Jesus was saying to them and they saying that’s what they’ve been praying about all week (unbeknownst to me), Jesus has created me to break through things.
This is all to say just how incredibly hard it is for me to sit on my hands when it comes to Ex#2 and guys in general. I want to know them NOW and get them to fall in love with me NOW and then we can get married NOW so that I can stop trying to learn about every new guy that comes along and just focus on ONE guy. I hate waiting for them to make up their mind, I’d rather they be in or out. I’m sooooooo done with this search and I’ve been done for as long as I can remember.
Now… the choices I have are little actions- part of me wants to text Ex #2 ideas for his upcoming trip to Chicago where he’s going to go see a friend. I also just met a guy last night who was SUPER handsome and he was short for once (I super like short guys- better hugs) and he’s about to go off on an AIM trip in a few months. It was an interesting conversation but I feel like I monopolized it and now I’m just super curious about him. I could friend him on facebook, but then that’s again ME pushing.
I’m done with pushing, I’m done with trying. I’m sick of always being the one wanting to make things happen when the other party will eventually give in (as I realized while talking to my adopted sis on the phone yesterday). It was actually pretty amazing to realize that most guys, when I make up my mind to try to make something happen, do respond positively, even if only for a short amount of time. It’s amazing to realize that when I have tried, I have essentially gotten the guys to like me back. However… I have also realized that I have essentially always been the one pushing in the end and I hate that… why can’t it be give and take? Why can’t they try as hard as me? I’m done. I’m just done.
And so I sit, realizing for the first time that I’ve never been as done in my life as I am about dating and still realizing that the urge to pull Ex#2 back in by sending him fun ideas for his upcoming trip and making him a survival bracelet and coming up with ideas of how we could meet up with little expense to him is still there. I still want to do these things and yet I feel God just saying “Calm. Wait. Just wait my child. Just. Hold. Still.”
Here I sit Lord, waiting on You. Waiting for Your work in my life. Waiting for You to finally move in away that You never have before. Waiting for You to help me finally just give it alllllll up. Give You the reigns. I need Your help to do so though because we both know that I love being in control. Help me Jesus. Help.