For most of my life, I was sheltered. Both from how my parents raised me as well as of my own doing. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to find out bad things so I’d literally hold my hands over my ears when people tried to talk about worldly things around me. In the aftermath of my first breakup, my prayer partner and I worked it through and I came to the realization that I used it as a shield and as a form of pride. I felt almost invincible from sins since I had never kissed a guy. I felt almost untouchable from doing bad things since I had never done anything in over 25 years. Then, I dated my first boyfriend and he stole my first kiss. Then I dated my second boyfriend and although we also didn’t do that, we did more than the last boyfriend. Part of me dreads the fact that I know my parents can read this but part of me knows that if I am to purge myself and break out of my cocoon, then this must happen. This transparency must occur. I just thank Jesus that yet once again I can honestly say we did not do that.
This is all said because I know that what I am going through is life changing, but I don’t even know how to say it all coherently. God is putting me in this place of knowing I’m human. God is putting me in this place of showing me that He is just waiting to give me the promises He’s been TRYING to give me, but each time He gets ready to, I fail. I get send back to the wilderness. I fall away from the place where He can give me the promises He has for me. I keep hiding myself back into a cocoon of either fear, doubt, sinfulness, or evil thoughts. Whatever it is at the time, I just keep putting myself into a place where God’s gifts cannot reach me.
We were made to fly.
That’s what the preacher kept saying tonight. Somehow, in my mind, it’s all a convoluted mess, but God wants me to tear down my high places, break out of my cocoon, pursue after Him with everything I have, and watch as when it all finally comes together, His promises come pouring in. But how?
How Jesus? I’m so lost Lord. I need You to just guide me through this process for I know You have a work You’re trying to do in me but I don’t even know where to begin in this journey. What do You want me to do? Where do you want me to go? Lord, just help guide me. Help.