This is from an email I was going to write someone …
I’m not even sure why I’m sharing this with you- a virtual stranger, but I’ve found when I allow myself to be transparent, people are encouraged, challenged, or touched by Jesus. This whole “seeking Jesus thing” is really not going as I have planned.
I know what I need to do and yet I just am fighting it- I’m fighting Him. I just… don’t want to push so hard anymore. Dig so much. He provided all that I needed/wanted during my desert time and yet a huge part of me is soo hesitant to go back into that…. both guys I dated I felt so strongly that God was in it… at first… I prayed so much against meeting my most recent ex if Jesus didn’t have anything for us to learn/grow from it. Clearly He must have, but part of me is angry, frustrated that once again, He allowed some guy to come into my life and rip into me. Just like how He allowed the first to rip me to shreds.
How is it that I can charge Him with the sins of others and yet not see that although He willingly takes the blame, He did not actually inflict the pain? Why is it that I feel like I need to forgive Him for not watching out for me when He is the one who has forgiven me of so much? Why do I always feel like I give so much of who I am so freely to others and all they do is see it, rip it to shreds, and throw it in the trash? Where is my Isaac that I thought would be here and why can’t I learn to fully be content in my moments? Why can’t I just truly wait in peace in Him and the promises He has for me? My heart wants to cry “Where are You Jesus?” and yet I know where He is… He’s waiting… but just like how I’m afraid of trusting any guys again, I’m afraid of trusting Him since part of me blames Him for even allowing them in my life in the first place. Why must growing and learning hurt SO MUCH? I miss the safety of not knowing. I miss the bliss of being naive to the world.
I realized while talking to a close friend of mine that I had become the Ex#2 in my relationship with Jesus- texting no more than once or twice a day and talking once or twice a week on the phone. Jesus doesn’t want that. Jesus doesn’t want me to be Ex #2 in my relationship with Him. He wants to hear from me every day as much as I wanted to hear from Ex #2. It doesn’t detract from His worth when I don’t talk to Him, it just means that He just wants to get to know me better and let me know Him better.
Yet part of me fights…. I realize I haven’t allowed myself to fully grieve over the fact that once again I was dumped. I hurt from the shame of being dumped again. I hurt from feeling like I was ready to put my heart out there and was once again pushed away. I hurt and part of me wants to blame God since I can’t take my anger out on my ex.
Just take it. Bind me up again. Release me from this pain. Purge me of the darkness and dirt. Help me find what You wanted me to take away from the relationship. I’m going to stop fighting You. I see now- it wasn’t Your fault and it’s not fair to be angry at You when I really want to be angry with myself and my ex. If You want me to be single forever, so be it. If You want me to marry, whomever it may be, so be it. I give it all to You now. Whomever or even no body, You make that choice for me. You lead and guide my steps. You show me what I must do. Be my everything again. Help me not be distracted by guys but let the right guy become an encouragement to me.. if there is to be a guy. Let him edify my walk with You as I edify his. Let our future children (if I have any) glorify Your name from the moment they can speak. Nothing would be better than if their first word was “Jesus.” Lord, I so badly want all that I am and do to be consumed by You and the things of You. I’m sorry I was angry at You. I’m sorry I blamed You when all You wanted was for me to find comfort in You. I love You Jesus with all my heart.