But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. ~Isaiah 40:31
3AM and I couldn’t sleep. I get into this place where I fight God and even though I openly surrendered to Him in my last post, it still took until 3AM the next night to actually get down on my knees and pray. As I prayed, I felt such sorrow overtake me. I could feel just how much He hurt by my ignoring Him for so long. And then I heard Him finally get through the noise in my head and tell me that I should be farther along spiritually than I am right now. My resisting and staying away from Him is only going to hurt the future ministry that He has for me. All my life I have had a calling- to what I still don’t fully know. All I know is that Bro. Mooney in Indianapolis, Indiana preached once “sure you can fly, sure you can but you have to break out of the cocoon first.” I have put myself back in a cocoon- playing games online and chatting to drown out the call He has on me. Part of me doesn’t want to pay the price but part of me knows I will never be happy until I fully embrace it all and soar.
I was soaring for a time.
One of the most interesting things I’ve have ever heard about the above verse in Isaiah is how when you take it apart, the hardest part is actually the walking. I can soar, I know how to. For months, around the time I started this blog with the other Rebekahs, I was soaring- praying 4-6 hours a day, fasting 40 days shortly after a 3 week fast, and seeking Him with everything I had- and finding Him to be as faithful and true as He promised He would be. But as time has gone on I’ve become lazy. It takes work to be so diligent with prayer. It takes discipline to wake up 2 hours before you need to leave to get in an hour of prayer before getting ready. It takes a strong desire for Him and only Him to keep your mind focused on the things of God at all times.
But it is for a reason. God wants to not have my most amazing accomplishments in life to be during my time in college. He wants to continue to use me to do things that are clearly beyond just what I am capable of and delve into the realm of what happens when Jesus steps in. He knows that I will give Him praise. He knows that I will give Him all the glory so He wants to use me, but He also knows that part of me fights. I’m afraid. I’m tired. I’m lazy. I don’t want to do it alone. I like my cocoon.
Quietly, with His still small voice (I Kings 19) He beckons me to take up my cross and follow Him (Matthew 16:24) for He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5).
Use me. Lead me. Order my steps. I give myself away to You. Make it so that the things in my life are “beyond me” and are acts directly from You. Make me become so small and transparent that all they see is You. May it be that when they look at me, they see You instead. Lord, whatever it is You want for me, I accept it now. Help me prepare for the life You have for me. Help me be ready for when the things You have in store for me fully come to pass. Teach me how to be a help to those around me. Teach me how to listen to Your voice again like when You told me to give that money in the exact hour it was needed to be a witness to Your goodness (as written about in What Little We Have). Let me once again be an empty vessel, clean and ready for You to use at any time of any day. Cleanse me, make me new once again, and use me as You wish. I love You Jesus with all my heart.
Break Out of the Cocoon: https://beingrebekah.com/2012/08/19/break-out-of-the-cocoon/
Waiting on the Lord: https://beingrebekah.com/2012/02/13/waiting-on-the-lord/
What Little We Have: https://beingrebekah.com/2012/02/01/what-little-we-have/