Tonight, I got to go to the concert of a conductor friend of mine. He has worked so hard to get to where he is today. It was amazing to me that I was there for his very first performance back in high school and today, I was able to see him conduct a powerful group of singers in a prestigious music program. My how far we can go! I was unsure if I should take time away from church (my last service here in this city) to go, but then on my way I felt God tell me it was okay. Low and behold, the last song was about putting our hands to the plow, holding on, and moving forward. The vocals were phenomenal- it reminded me that God’s creation is so amazing and perfect. That JUST voices could create such a beautiful, powerful sound struck me with awe for His great ways. To top it off with lyrics that hold such meaning…. what a blessing where I was least expecting it!!!
All my life I struggled with self esteem issues until Ex #1 broke up with me, I went on an over 2 month fast, and God transformed me so completely from the inside out that I realized it was GOD esteem that mattered. It doesn’t matter what I look like on the outside, and yet I realized that God made me beautiful. I saw who GOD saw me as and so it mattered more that I was praying than grooming time did. I cared more for thinking of what things pleased Him than I did about how I could do things to please guys in how they saw me. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was that God created me beautiful. Lately, I’ve felt fat. I’d look in the mirror and for some reason, even though I haven’t gone up a size in clothes yet, all I see is the fatness.
Tonight, as I was walking back to my room at the hospital (I’m living in the hospital this month), one of the policemen that guard the ER asked me out. He was tall, good looking, and straight up stopped me to ask me out- my kind of guy! It was just so assuring because it felt like to me that Jesus was saying “see? You are still beautiful, even when you don’t see it. I will bring you a husband… in MY timing.” For along with the feelings of physical ugliness, I just starting wishing I had a husband. My brain would ruminate over the fact that Ex #1 is married (while I am not), so many other people are married, and so many others are also having kids and sending them to pre-school etc. etc. etc.
I want a family that lives for Jesus. I want a husband who will lead us all on this journey towards Christ with a passion for the God of creation. I want a man who will be a father to our children, a prayer partner that connects with my spirit, and a friend who gets my soul. I also realized I’m pretty superficial and hope he’s CUTE! haa! Is my definition of cute the same as everyone else’s? Not always. haa haa! And this policeman was certainly good looking in my book! So I think Jesus was just saying- wait some more on ME, my child. Wait.
Thank You for these unexpected blessings. Thank You for things to make me smile and soothe my weary soul. Thank You for Your goodness and mercy. Thank You for reminding me You find me beautiful. Give me strength to just WAIT. I love You Jesus with all my heart.
BTW- for those wondering, I told him I was moving tomorrow (because I am) so I wouldn’t be able to go on a date with him… it was still a nice way to end my day though 🙂