Tonight I met someone who came to God through Ex #1’s church years ago. I had the hardest time not saying “it’s a den of vipers!!!” For all the gossip, them actively working to break us up (by saying I was stuck up for saying I was going to be a doctor and that a post about seeking God’s Will above my own was clearly “airing the dirty laundry on facebook”), and eventual shunning that I received from them, it was hard to just tightly smile when she said “it was a good church to go to.”
As I drove home tonight I tried to have a little chat out with Jesus about it and found that, deep seated in my heart, was the sense that I felt betrayed by God Himself. Before Ex #1 and I ever dated, I felt SO many things from God saying that he was the one. From asking God to give me HIS desires for my heart and having the very next day have something seem to point to Ex #1 to MANY other things, it felt as if God was saying he was “the one.” In the aftermath of everything- from dating him to how his friends treated me (both good and then very badly)- a fear of doing what I think God is leading me to do must have crept up in my heart. I fear His telling me to go for something and being MASSIVELY wrong again.
I know I’ve said it before, but I think initially it WAS God’s Will, but as Ex #1 and I both changed for the worse through our relationship, His Will for us changed as well. He broke my heart and it’s not broken anymore, but I do still harbor scars against his church that I just… I need God to take. I feel betrayed by his church, I feel betrayed by the pastor’s wife (for a reason), and I feel betrayed by God.
Take away my sense of betrayal. Take away this feeling that they are a den of vipers. Take away this and just fill it with Your love. Teach me to love like You do. Teach me to forgive as You forgive. Give me YOUR heart. Teach me to learn to trust You again. I love You Jesus.