As things have progressed I cannot being to tell of how wonderful it has been to have God essentially throw open a door. I didn’t want to put that specific residency program first because the city it is located in is where I had my first kiss ever with Ex #1 (as in even my first kiss in my life) and many of our first dates, but God has shown me I don’t even care anymore. He is opening this door for He has a purpose for me. I loved Ex #1 with all my heart, yes, but he’s so completely erased from my life and heart that it doesn’t even matter- WOW!!! WOW!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe that just one year later it’s an “oh right….” instead of an absolutely no!” when things all that sudden strike me as something that should be triggering a memory. How amazing is this God?
But as things are going I cannot help but struggle with guys in a way. I cannot help but feel like He did actually show me who my future husband is… and I just can’t see that happening. He barely recognizes my existence in this world. Well… he does at times but I just… I can’t see it happening. Then there is another guy who isn’t even in church and yet he acts as if he adores me. He acts as if he could be what I’ve been looking for all my life. What? How is life so flip flopped if this is truly of God? I can’t help but wonder since I have been pretty on ball with things like this in my past. I knew Ex #1 and I would date because God told me “wait until June, wait until your boards” we met in June, our first date was after my boards. So when God said to me “that guy… he’s your future husband” I’m not”no” I’m saying “I can’t see it Lord… but be it unto me according to Your Will”
Does this mean I’m going to turn down other guys? No. I could be wrong. But does it mean I’m going to chase after guys? No, because I might be chasing after a distraction from my future husband. So I sit, unsure what to do about this guy who isn’t in church other than try to witness and in all of this I feel Him calling me to just pray but part of me is scared. I know He can fix all that is swirling in my heart and yet I am stubborn… I’m cold in this house, I’m tired, I have been coughing and feeling sick… etc. etc. etc… and yet He continues to call….
Will I give in or will I continue to fight Him? Only the long night (or week) will tell…