Open and Closed

As things have progressed I cannot being to tell of how wonderful it has been to have God essentially throw open a door. I didn’t want to put that specific residency program first because the city it is located in is where I had my first kiss ever with Ex #1 (as in even my first kiss in my life) and many of our first dates, but God has shown me I don’t even care anymore.  He is opening this door for He has a purpose for me.  I loved Ex #1 with all my heart, yes, but he’s so completely erased from my life and heart that it doesn’t even matter- WOW!!! WOW!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe that just one year later it’s an “oh right….” instead of an absolutely no!” when things all that sudden strike me as something that should be triggering a memory. How amazing is this God?

But as things are going I cannot help but struggle with guys in a way.  I cannot help but feel like He did actually show me who my future husband is… and I just can’t see that happening.  He barely recognizes my existence in this world.  Well… he does at times but I just… I can’t see it happening.  Then there is another guy who isn’t even in church and yet he acts as if he adores me. He acts as if he could be what I’ve been looking for all my life.  What? How is life so flip flopped if this is truly of God? I can’t help but wonder since I have been pretty on ball with things like this in my past.  I knew Ex #1 and I would date because God told me “wait until June, wait until your boards” we met in June, our first date was after my boards.  So when God said to me “that guy… he’s your future husband” I’m not”no” I’m saying “I can’t see it Lord… but be it unto me according to Your Will”

Does this mean I’m going to turn down other guys? No. I could be wrong. But does it mean I’m going to chase after guys? No, because I might be chasing after a distraction from my future husband.  So I sit, unsure what to do about this guy who isn’t in church other than try to witness and in all of this I feel Him calling me to just pray but part of me is scared.  I know He can fix all that is swirling in my heart and yet I am stubborn… I’m cold in this house, I’m tired, I have been coughing and feeling sick… etc. etc. etc… and yet He continues to call….

Will I give in or will I continue to fight Him? Only the long night (or week) will tell…

Rebekah M.

4 thoughts on “Open and Closed

  1. Hi Rebekah M

    I only discovered your blog yesterday (thank you stumble upon) and I am already looking forward to reading and following your blogs every day. I became a christian two years ago and like you am constantly striving to rely more on God and to follow his will in my life. It is a comfort to know that there are other people out there who are in the same boat as me and I hope that through reading your blog it will give me the encouragement to continue to live according to God’s will and not my own. I have heard of many people who have said that God has shown them their future husband/wife and that they live with the faith that this prophecy will come to pass in good time. I myself am getting married next year to my wonderful fiance who spent an long time in prayer with God asking for him to find him a wife, the next day I entered his church as a lost and lonely girl and over the past two years we have grown in Christ together and are now perusing a life together with God at the center of our relationship. So dont worry about this guy not being in church, if it is Gods will he will listen to your ministering and find God himself.

    • well.. the guy I felt God tell me was “going to be my husband” is not the same as the guy who isn’t in church… so… we’ll see… the guy who I thought God siad that about actually is very much in church, actually taught adult sunday school recently and would only be an hour away from where I think Jesus wants me to be for residency… but we’ll see what God wants 🙂

    • thank you… even if it’s not fun being so frank about struggling, I feel like I would be doing an injustice to myself and anyone who is legitimately walking with God by hiding any of it…

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