I have a confession that I’ve hinted at before: I’m sort of seeing this guy who’s not in church. He’s fun, sweet, and is the exact mixture of my Exes that I had said I wished existed in one person- Ex #1’s amount of time he put into me and Ex #2’s sense of adventure and being outdoors and non-demanding-ness. This guy literally pays as much attention to me as Ex #1 did… texting me all day long (with breaks for things like… work LOL!)… but also enjoys being outdoors. Our two hangouts included going on hikes where he made sure that there was a waterfall we could sit by and just sit and talk. He’s thoughtful and sweet and even cleaned off the snow from my car.
However… how does that work with me loving God so much? I can’t help but see that we could have a comfortable life together. We’d have moments of laughter- cooking together, dancing in the kitchen to cute old school music, tickle fights- yeah, he’s that kind of guy. But then we’d have a spiritual discord that I cannot overlook. It makes me continually feel like I’m sowing into the wrong things.
However, he is a soul. He is someone who needs to know God. His boss is a Christian, one of his good friends is a pastor’s son. I truly feel like God wants to reach out to him but am I supposed to be part of the equation or is he just a test for me? Will I hold out for Isaac or go after Ishmael?
At church tonight the preacher asked “are you truly committed to God? because if you are only half committed you will not receive the full blessing from God.” As the sermon progressed, I felt God sing this song to me. Tell me that He’s loved me all of my life and that He was with me. At alter call I told God I was 100% His, making sure that I told God I was laying this guy on His alter in my heart, and the moment I fully meant it, my pastor came along and asked me if I knew how to speak mandarin because they had a new couple there that couldn’t speak English very well and were from China. I had seen them walk in late in service. She told me that they had been passing by and felt God so they came in. She had been searching for God. In China the church she tried to go to once, they said that sickness was because of not believing in God. It was punishment for unbelief. She could not believe that but she wanted to know God and felt Him as she was passing by so she came in… and the moment I gave my heart to God, He used me to help reach her. In my broken Mandarin skills (I’m Chinese, born in America), I told her over and over that Jesus loved her, died for her, wants to live in her heart, it wasn’t an accident that she was there. With tears in her eyes we prayed together- she even told Jesus she loved Him!!! WOW!!!!
Dear readers- this is the amazing grace of our Jesus. I’m messing up- literally potentially flirting with disaster and yet the moment I lay my heart out to Him, He uses me to help minister to a someone who it was clear- I met my appointment with God today. Wow! Wow!!!!! WOW! I feel like dirt, trash and yet He would still use this broken, dirty vessel. Wow! Who am I to be used by the Almighty to reach others? Who am I to be able to say He is good? It has NOTHING to do with my worth and EVERYTHING to do with Him. He has loved you all of your life. You are NOT alone. He is here! He wants to use you to spread the news that He is with each of us every day. Help Him by meeting His appointments. Minister to Him by ministering to others. He has seen you through your darkest night, He is faithful and true. His love will carry us through this broken, lonely, ugly, messy world.
Jesus- I love You so much.
Rebekah M.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ]
Being Rebekah 
Thank you for your honesty and passion, Rebekah. My heart is divided too. I know I owe Jesus so much more devotion and trust, but I’m so often stuck in these cycles of self-seeking. God has been enormously patient with me too. I don’t have a prayer of making it to heaven unless it is 100 percent because of the Blood. Jesus is the best that’s ever been.
I think the interesting part is that I keep thinking of David- he wasn’t perfect but he was called a man after God’s own heart. Why? Because when he messed up, he came before God with a broken heart and sought forgiveness and continued on his passionate pursuit of Him. The same man who danced with all his might before the Lord, is the same man who killed his lover’s husband after getting her pregnant. God isn’t asking us to be perfect, He’s asking us to come back to Him when we mess up. I seem to mess up more than I want/wish, but even last night reaffirmed to me that instead of running away from Him, I MUST run TO Him in those times. With true repentance in my heart, He immediately used me and that is just mind blowing to me- what forgiveness! What grace!!! What a mighty God we serve!!!!
Perhaps you invite your friend to church? That’s all it took for me, and now I’m married to the man I’d my dreams, the one that took me to his church. When we’re ready to receive the message, God speaks. If you can reach out to strangers, surely you can touch someone close to you.
oh I’ve invited him… he told me it’s been a long time since he’s been to church and he’s not sure if he can do that and he hoped I didn’t hate him for that… I know we need to talk that out more, but I’d rather have that talk in person vs. over the phone or texting… which means waiting since we’re currently almost 3 hours apart driving distance and I’m very busy with my ER rotation… but it is nice to know there is someone who worked out 🙂
I will pray for you about this. I know what it’s like to love some one who doesn’t love Jesus. I grew up with a Christian mother and a scared-to-believe father, which taught me how important it is to love someone as you guard your faith from what they might say. You are on my heart right now 🙂
Thank you so much!!! feel free to pray for him as well… regardless of if things ever work out between he and I, I truly hope he finds Christ 🙂 I just hope and pray that my actions push him towards Christ instead of away
FLIRT AND CONVERT!
Kidding ;). Glad there is someone special in your life. I think you two are in each others’ lives for a reason. And that’s truly wonderful how the lady just came into the church because her heart was yearning for the Spirit of God… meaning that your church was radiating and overflowing with the Spirit! Praise God!
lol he’s sweet and so thoughtful but I know I need to guard my heart… just trying to be a light to him without forcing him to chat with Jesus but hopefully giving him a glimpse of someone who’s truly trying to walk with God? and I agree… it was SO wonderful for that to happen- to me it’s a sign of a healthy, God-filled church and it made me so happy for them (I’m moving on Sunday to yet another rotation, yet another new city). I have certainly loved my time here with this church.
Congrats of meeting someone as nice as your guy. Remember GOD put him there in your life. I think if you force God on him you will be doing him a disservice. Just be patient with him. The fact that he loves nature and likes to talk (aka communicate on a deeper level) shows that God is in him. Just because he may not use the word God or go to church doesn’t mean he is not a believer. Spirituality comes in many forms and you can get it in nature as well. Maybe he is in your life to teach you a lesson and expand your world in a different way. Just be open and let God guide you. If it feel right then go with it. Remember God’s only form on earth it through others and by the way we feel. Enjoy it. Blessings!
Thank you 🙂 I definitely know that part of my attraction is that he has Christ-like attributes but he doesn’t claim Christ so I just live my life openly for Him and don’t push him… I told him I really hoped he’d come with me and he said he didn’t feel right yet and hoped I didn’t hate him for that… after I told him of course I didn’t hate him for that I haven’t said anything since, but I do not hide when I pray, go to church, or even when I pray for him. I just try to live unashamedly for God and pray for God to do the rest 🙂
Wow, this is amazing! That’s like true discipleship right there. God is really speaking into your life, and that’s like gracious! I don’t think it’s right to just invite him to church and let the church do the work, that’s their Job, but I believe and persevere to think without a doubt we’re called to reach the lost. You’re probably his soon to be girlfriend, his mentor, the person he trusts, I think you should confront him about it and see what he thinks about it. Most importantly, pray about it, and seek in with God and be open to anything the holy spirit is telling you. It’s not Jesus then my family, it’s Jesus in my family. It’s not Jesus then my Health, it’s Jesus in my health. It’s not Jesus then my “boyfriend, it’s Jesus in my boyfriend. Stay in prayer always, Jesse.
Thank you… I am definitely praying… and my parents, God sister, and prayer partner are praying with me on this too 🙂 I know God can fix things in a way I didn’t imagine and I just need Him in it 🙂
Awesome song choice. I love listening to her stuff. It is an interesting balance to attempt to flirt and convert though lol. On the one hand it can feel like you’re the closest one to them that can be a light for Jesus and it’s an awesome opportunity to let your light shine. In some ways it feels like you’re trying to win their heart for Him and for yourself at the same time. Hopefully both of those happen because if not things can get messy.
I guess it’s easier to draw the line when they definitely aren’t living for God. But what if they’re Christian and believe pretty close to what you do? Or say are at 80%? Where do you draw the line and say I can only accept this much? It’s just some questions I ponder sometimes because I definitely haven’t gotten a successful relationship this way yet. But who knows what God has in mind. I’ll definitely be praying that things work out well for you! 🙂
Hello Rebekah,
You know a lot of us christians often fall into that and we begin preachiing to ourselves that we can change/convert etc the other person but I believe that through Pastor and he(God) using you as an instrument for that couple, he also gave you his answer. search your heart and ask yourself if (and be not equally yoked to unbelievers applies or not applies to you). I will be following you.
Thanks 🙂 I have no clue what to do since it’s all just strange and jumbled in my head but I know if I just try to hold on to prayer and reading my bible and seeking God, it will all work out in the end in some way. I know >> I << certainly cannot convert him, but I also truly believe that God is trying to reach him… he has WAY too many people in his life who know and love God (from good friends, to even his boss!). So for now, I just keep talking with him, praying for him, and hope that should Jesus tell me to walk away, I'll have the strength to.