Day of Reckoning

Today I take my boards.  This is the last one before I can graduate and I am stressed out.  This is the second time I am taking them because I failed the first time… THAT was the storm that God was talking about.  Since that time I have felt ashamed, frustrated and shutting down in part of myself… and the other side is calm knowing that God has a plan for everything.  In failing, multiple doors for residency shut and one looked as if it opened WIDE open.  That residency program has told me they don’t care that I failed so long as I take it again since their own assessment of me said the opposite of what this specific board says (history and physical exam skills). They hope I rank them highly.

For those who haven’t been following along with my journey, I am currently in medical school and soon to be a doctor. I am in my last year and I travel around the US (mainly east/central USA) on various rotations and I move month to month. I had felt God tell me a storm was coming and then two weeks later I received news that I failed those specific boards.  The main door that I had wanted to walk through closed with that news and yet another one opened that I had been thinking of not taking because it is located in the same city I had my first kiss ever with a guy who turned out to be NOTHING like he had originally portrayed himself to be.

Through it all I feel myself slowly splintering.  I want God’s Will and yet I am talking with a guy who isn’t in church.  Part of me is freaked out that I’m taking these boards again, and the other half knows that God has all things in control. I have ONLY made it this far because of HIM and HIS GRACE so now, more than ever, I need Him and yet part of me feels like He’s so far away.

Why can’t I seem to let this guy just disappear from my life? I have always had a policy against dating guys who don’t know God.  I long for a man that I can pray together with daily and talk about what sermons we had respectively listened to and what God showed us.  I love the things of God and I want a man who shares that love… so why can’t I just let this guy disappear?

He’s so sweet, thoughtful, and fun. We recently had a moment where we realized that we both know EVERY line of Robin Hood: Men in Tights.  We spent probably almost half an hour laughing by quoting various lines back and forth to each other.  He remembers things I say to him and brings it up later some how.  Once, when he was giving me a number, he made it a code using things like “and then your favorite joke number… [other numbers] … and then your favorite number.”

Regardless…. I need to put this guy out of my mind and focus on the task for the day: passing the boards.  Today is my day of reckoning.  Today, God can show forth His goodness and mercy yet another time.

Lord,

Save me from myself.  Save me from worrying.  Save me from ruining my life.  Save me from myself. Jesus, I so desperately need You more than ever to save me.  Come to my rescue…. where else would I go?  Jesus…. Jesus….. JESUS.

Rebekah M.

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5 thoughts on “Day of Reckoning

  1. You’re asking: “Why can’t I let this guy disappear?” and asking Jesus to save you from yourself, but it sounds to me like He’s trusting you to make the right choice. When Eve was in the garden, she had to decide whether to eat that fruit, and she didn’t put it out of her mind straightaway. She looked at it; she saw it was edible and looked delicious … She didn’t guard her thoughts.

    I think that your having someone to share prayer-requests with and worship God with and chat to about sermons sounds a good option, too. Because when the challenges of life come, when you lose a patient you’re attached to or you move to a different job or whatever, how would quoting an entire film help you then? But prayer will. I guess there are times in most Christian relationships where one person feels down and the other prays them through. How would that work if your other half wasn’t praying?

    Hold out for God’s best. X

  2. May the Lord give you divine wisdom and peace which surpasses understanding today as you take both tests, the board test, and the man test. We are all praying for you Rebekah.

    From my experience, I would not let yourself be unequally yoked, it may sound good in the beginning, but the fruit is bad. Let the Lord lead you in all things, not your feelings. Feelings come and go. Maybe this is just your test, to see if you choose to “die to self” or not, idk…
    (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding…)

    I do know that God will give you wisdom, He promised. But I have to say, I haven’t always liked His answer, especially the “waiting” part. Maybe you could “put it on the shelf” until God reveals more…

    We love you either way, and so does God.
    Diana

  3. Dearest, first of all I am sending you my love, can you feel it? I pray that you will do well in your boards. Remember God KNOWS all and sees all. You can never ruin your life because God is guiding you in all things. I say this because your faith is so strong. You have total belief. As for this guy… Maybe he might turn out to be the man of your dreams after all. You cannot foresee the future to know that he will never come to know God. Maybe he will. Don’t over think things. You are young and still getting to know yourself, so take things slow and things will work itself out. In the mean time focus on the things at hand. The boards! You are going to do well. BTW congrats on having the strength to go after it again. That shows how strong you are. Blessings.

  4. Many prayers for you! I read this morning that God doesn’t reveal His plan for us because He wants us to trust in Him. He wants us to rely on Him. Sounds like you realize that and know that God will reveal His plan in time – with the boards and your love life!

  5. I’ll be praying for you. Following Jesus is an adventure, and part of that adventure is not knowing what is around every corner, not being in control. All of God’s promises are true and He knows what He has in store for you.

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