Today I take my boards. This is the last one before I can graduate and I am stressed out. This is the second time I am taking them because I failed the first time… THAT was the storm that God was talking about. Since that time I have felt ashamed, frustrated and shutting down in part of myself… and the other side is calm knowing that God has a plan for everything. In failing, multiple doors for residency shut and one looked as if it opened WIDE open. That residency program has told me they don’t care that I failed so long as I take it again since their own assessment of me said the opposite of what this specific board says (history and physical exam skills). They hope I rank them highly.
For those who haven’t been following along with my journey, I am currently in medical school and soon to be a doctor. I am in my last year and I travel around the US (mainly east/central USA) on various rotations and I move month to month. I had felt God tell me a storm was coming and then two weeks later I received news that I failed those specific boards. The main door that I had wanted to walk through closed with that news and yet another one opened that I had been thinking of not taking because it is located in the same city I had my first kiss ever with a guy who turned out to be NOTHING like he had originally portrayed himself to be.
Through it all I feel myself slowly splintering. I want God’s Will and yet I am talking with a guy who isn’t in church. Part of me is freaked out that I’m taking these boards again, and the other half knows that God has all things in control. I have ONLY made it this far because of HIM and HIS GRACE so now, more than ever, I need Him and yet part of me feels like He’s so far away.
Why can’t I seem to let this guy just disappear from my life? I have always had a policy against dating guys who don’t know God. I long for a man that I can pray together with daily and talk about what sermons we had respectively listened to and what God showed us. I love the things of God and I want a man who shares that love… so why can’t I just let this guy disappear?
He’s so sweet, thoughtful, and fun. We recently had a moment where we realized that we both know EVERY line of Robin Hood: Men in Tights. We spent probably almost half an hour laughing by quoting various lines back and forth to each other. He remembers things I say to him and brings it up later some how. Once, when he was giving me a number, he made it a code using things like “and then your favorite joke number… [other numbers] … and then your favorite number.”
Regardless…. I need to put this guy out of my mind and focus on the task for the day: passing the boards. Today is my day of reckoning. Today, God can show forth His goodness and mercy yet another time.
Save me from myself. Save me from worrying. Save me from ruining my life. Save me from myself. Jesus, I so desperately need You more than ever to save me. Come to my rescue…. where else would I go? Jesus…. Jesus….. JESUS.