The Talk

Today the new guy asked:

So how do you see our relationship?

Given that he’s not in church, I have been struggling with the thought that he might ask me to be his girlfriend soon. Things are nice between us- he texts me daily and it’s never too much or too little.  I don’t feel pressured by him but I also don’t feel like he’s trying to hide me or deny me. I’ve met his family a few times already and his mom even friended me on facebook. He’s so incredibly supportive about boards, interviews, life.  It’s only been about two months but I know that should I cut him off, I would feel the gap in my life. He has found a way to slowly work himself a little niche into my life quietly and without force.

I answered him honestly:

 I definitely think you’re an awesome guy that any girl would be lucky to say she’s dating but I don’t know what you want so… at least in my head i definitely see you as more than just a friend although I also think we have a friendship base which is always important…

It continues to throw me off.  I have only dated two guys before and both were in church and both were disasters.  The first one broke my heart with incalculable coolness and full disregard for my feelings. The second broke my pride and the buddings of feelings with his childish disregard for me and what I tried to put into the relationship- only seeing what he put in. And so it throws me off that this guy has, so far, treated me much better than both guys before him.

This guy, when he kissed me more passionately than I wanted, quickly backed off the moment he sense my hesitation and apologized over and over again and quickly had us switch to something more platonic. Of the three times we’ve hung out so far, limited by my monthly switch in locations, he has shown such consideration for both my feelings as well as my well being.

i guess im saying i dont know if im ready to be your boyfriend yet but i may just need alil time or somethingto idk. I want to get to know you.

In all this, I continue to be unsure… what if he never comes to God? Am I wasting his time? Someone who has treated me a billion times better than guys in the church? He seems so genuine and caring- passing out candy canes to the sick around Christmas- not even for an organization. Even just making sure that “we” were on the same page before he saw me again says SO much about his caring heart… and yet he doesn’t know God? How does this compute? How can one guy have so many Godly attributes and yet not claim Christ? And why is it that I don’t just run as far and as fast away from him before I end up giving such a great guy my heart? I know he doesn’t have it yet, but I also know that I am very drawn to him. He doesn’t push me to do things I don’t want to and when we’re hiking on trails, he makes me feel safe and like I can try anything without fear.

I want him to know God. I want him to experience the One who can make him feel the same way he’s been making me feel when I’m with him.  I want him to know the safety and security of Jesus who died for us and carries us through life. I want Him to experience the views  we see together the way I see it- through the lens of God’s creation.  What majesty this world holds. What evidence of His immense goodness and grace! Beautiful landscapes sing of His awesome power and glorious ways. How amazing is this God of ours! Being someone who loves the beauty of nature as much as he does, I just wish he would also acknowledge the One who created what he loves so much.

And so the talk concluded with us agreeing that we’re at the “seeing someone” stage- not ready to make a more concrete commitment but not denying that the other is more than just a friend either.  But where is Jesus in all this? How do I bring Christ in the middle of this relationship? Perhaps when he’s here next week we’ll find out since I’m not going to skip church for him and he’ll probably want to maximize his time with me.  Feel free to pray for me readers- I’m going to need it.

In Him,
Rebekah M.
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13 thoughts on “The Talk

  1. How about simply sharing with him your life belongs to Christ . . . and would he like to come to church with you to find out why.

    • well… I certainly don’t hide Christ from him. I tell him when I pray for him. I tell him when I go to church (every sunday and during week days when I can find one) and how awesome service was b/c the last church I was at had great services EVERY time 🙂 I’ve even invited him before… he said he wasn’t ready for that yet so I told him the last time we were together we’d talk about that at some point… so I’ve started… just I hate PRESSING. When the timing is right, and with God’s wisdom, I truly hope to sooner vs later… maybe this coming weekend

  2. From a guy’s perspective, I’d say not to date him until he’s ready to give his life to Christ. But I appreciate your honesty about your struggles. I pray that God gives you the strength to do whatever he leads you to do. I will be following your journey through your blogs from here on out. God bless.

    • yeah… it’s so strange to me that I’m even allowing myself to be talking to him as more than just a friend… but honestly, part of me is SO BURNT by guys in church. Both my exes who claimed Christ were worse in various ways. With one, he went from sweet guy who patiently waited for me to say “I love you” back to him for over a month to controlling, angry, and verbally abusive. My ideas were “STUPID! I can’t believe you’d even suggest such a retarded idea!!!” and he even wanted to tell me how I spent my time- 3-5 days/week at least 1hr each in the gym. With the other, he didn’t understand why we didn’t sleep together since we were “in a committed relationship” even though he claimed Christ!!!

      This guy has NEVER pushed me to sleep with him. He’s SO respectful. So with my history, how do I say no to seeing a guy who’s treating me SO much better ALREADY than my exes and the second one asked me out on the first day then dumped me literally 6 weeks later. So technically, in terms of time, this new guy has surpassed that timeline in certain respects and does not push me to sleep with him.

      I’m so confused how those who claimed Christ are less Godly than this one who does not.

      • Just because someone knows Christ I don’t think it necessarily means they’re always going to make the right and Godly choice. And just because someone doesn’t know Jesus it doesn’t mean they’re always going to make the wrong and sinful choice. I just personally can’t imagine a scenario where I’m claiming to be trying to draw closer to God but yet pressuring a girl to sleep with her. Sure, I could understand the temptation but hopefully I’d always be helping her toward a stronger relationship with God and not pulling her away.

        I’m glad he’s showing such positive and attractive qualities because you definitely deserve the best in your life. 🙂 Based on your description he seems like he’d be an awesome Christian once he gets in church. I pray that your light will shine and give him a hunger for God that surpasses his affections for you.

      • Still praying for you, that Jesus would take you to a place of rest where you can hear Him clealy about what the future holds for you and this man, and also that He’d give you the courage to act on what He says, no matter the affects on you or this relationship. I’ll pray for this man, too, that Jesus would lead him to a true relationship with Him.
        I also really feel I need to say a few things; you have continued to be on my heart and I slightly understand where you’re at.
        Firstly, I don’t know the men you dated in the past, but it sounds like they may have known Jesus but probably didn’t love Him. Maybe it’s like Judas, who was constantly in Jesus’ presence but had enough emptiness inside him to allow Satan to use him. In church, sadly, doesn’t mean in love with Jesus. But, really, there ARE passionate and courteous Christian men out there, my brother and many of the men in my church included.
        Secondly, I also have been so attracted inside and out to a man who doesn’t know Jesus. I’ve never felt the way I do for him, and nothing he does changes it. I went through a season of believeing that because I loved him we would marry, but I prayed for clarification. Jesus showed me that I love him AND that he isn’t the man for me because we are spiritually different. He helped me understand that even if that man ever does find a relationship with Him, he will be a much less mature Christian than me– not in a holier-than-thou way, but in a we-can’t-grow-together way. I grew up in a household with a beliveing parent and a broken parent; I know how hard it is to be the family in church that everyone thinks is a single-parent household. I don’t fully understand my feelings for this man yet, but I know I love him, just not as my husband. Whenever I start dreaming about him, I remind myself of these two things: 1) He is not my husband therefore this love I have is not romantic, and 2) Love is unconditional and expects nothing in return therefore I don’t need him to love me. I don’t know if your situation is like mine, but I want you to be safe. Please seek clarification, He’ll give it to you!

        • Thank you for your honest and transparent post Tessa. I don’t love this guy right now. It’s all too new to know whether I will or not. All I do know is that he doesn’t love me either- it’s also all too new for him to say too. All I do know, is that it seems like Friday, he’s joining me on going to dinner at the pastor’s house here and I just can’t help but feel like this is God opening a door. I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy either walks away from me after next weekend or becomes more open to God. Either way… I’m going to be praying a lot this week! lol and more time with Jesus is always a good thing regardless of what results I can see come from it.

  3. Since you are so wonderfully candid to share, I will share with you from my personal experience. I was so very sorry that I did not follow God’s Word in this – “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Cor 6:14
    I failed to listen to this on more than one occasion – it took the proverbial “brick up side the head” for me to finally open my eyes and heart as to why God said this. The heartache I felt not only came from the extremely gentleman-like qualities turning into horror in one relationship but also heartbreak in another that he did not care to hear about Christ much at all.
    If I were to do it over (thankfully I don’t have to!), I’d most definitely share Christ with him as the most important part if my life and the First Man in my life. There just isn’t room for two men unless the second becomes one with you in the First. I’d share as God led me to share, staying within the confines of friendship. All the while holding as the only intent and hope that this guy came to the saving Grace of Christ and that whatever God had in His plan for my relationship with this guy would be nothing more, nothing less than His plan provided.

    • I have tried to share Christ with him and a little background: he works for church friends of mine, it’s how we met. I had assumed, since I had moved and no longer went to their church, that he was a church friend at first. When he turned out to be someone they were witnessing to, I was already so drawn to him that I didn’t want to back off. I have never hidden Christ from him but I have been horrible at being JUST friends. I just hope God helps me see HIS plan for all this before I mess up with my hopes of what the plan is.

  4. Rebekah I read your post and there are some things that dropped in my heart while I read. I hesitated to share BUT I would feel like I’m failing you if I didn’t. So here goes…

    You asked, “How do I bring Christ in the middle of this relationship?” The answer is, you don’t. Christ should be at the head,not the middle or the end. God is your life, not a part of your life. People can be a part of our lives but they can never complete us, that role belongs to God alone. One is a whole number. Don’t be afraid to be alone. If you put God first and develop your relationship with Him, He will give you a husband – a saved Husband who loves Him first and you next. His love for Christ will enrich his love for you. No man will ever be able to truly love you without first loving God.

    Scripture tells us to acknowledge the Lord in all thine ways and He will direct our path. He made provision for us to know the way to approach relationships from the beginning. Remember the scripture that reads, “But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.”? This is the divine order of things. In God’s house and in our house. The husband is to be the spiritual head of the home. How can he be the spiritual head when he doesn’t know Christ? Is it wise for a believer to make an unbeliever her head?

    When a born-again daughter of God enters a relationship with a man, her goal for the end result should be marriage. God never intended for us to play with our emotions by going from one relationship to another as the world does. But, you know this already. It’s why you’re confused. Your flesh is struggling against what the Spirit knows. You’ve been hurt by men who ‘claimed Christ’. However, there is a difference between claiming Christ and Christ claiming you. Salvation is more than a few words uttered at the altar. It takes the Holy Spirit to transform unholy vessels into vessels of honor. This is why so many believers are being led into situations and relationships that are not in God’s will; they’re believers, not receivers of the Holy Spirit.

    This is also why the men you dated before could treat you as badly as they did. To put it bluntly, they weren’t saved. Those who are Spirit-filled produce the fruits of the Spirit. There is a difference between having good traits and having Godly attributes; one is a result of childhood rearing, the other is a result of receiving the gift of the Holy Spirit. This is why you find some murderers, pedophiles and rapist who have great personalities and are well-thought of in their community. They have good traits but they are not saved.

    This man you’re attracted to emotionally (and I assume physically?) is not saved. This means that he is an open vessel for Satan to use anytime he sees fit. If your vessel is empty it’s a welcome invitation to the devil and the forces of darkness. Let this young man know your goals for any relationship with a man is marriage. I know this is daunting but women have one mind about relationships and men often have another. Don’t leave things to interpretation. Let him know that any husband you have WILL be saved. Period.

    This may drive him away but sweetheart if it does be grateful and realize he’s not the one. Or, he may depart for a season and return when he’s ready to be saved.

    I’ll end with this: God is not the author of confusion. There is a struggle going on between the part of you that longs for God and the part that longs for the world. The only way you’ll find peace is to submit to the Spirit and trust Him for your future. I’ll pray for God to increase your strength and encourage your faith. You know what is right, it only remains for you to do it.

    Blessings and love,
    Rebecca

    • I definitely understand and agree with much of what you are saying… which is also why I’ve had the hesitation to go beyond just “seeing each other” but I’m starting to feel like God has a plan for all this… he’s coming out to see me this weekend and Friday night the pastor’s wife has invited me to have dinner with them all… and he’s coming along! This is crazy to me but perhaps all of this is to have him have a true chance to either accept God or reject Him… but I feel like the time to choose will be soon enough. Regardless of what happens to my heart, I know that should he be saved from all of this, it will be worth it. For I know that God mended my heart from when my first love smashed it to pieces and I know that He can do it again should it come to that… but this guy doesn’t have my heart.

      In the mean time, because I know he doesn’t have my heart, although part of me will miss him in my day, I won’t be devastated. I just know that for now, God is opening the door for this guy to have one on one time with a pastor who has an amazing testimony and who am I to stand in that way? I’m just going to focus on God and praying this week and see what this weekend holds…

  5. Rebekah,

    I could not help but to chime in and share my views. Something I have learned in life it is that not all Christians are healthy to be around (hence your previous romantic interests) and that not all unbelievers are unhealthy to be around. There are many Jewish and Muslim folks who are very kind hearted, good and noble. And they have proven to make faithful and wonderful spouses and parents.

    I agree that it is probably not a good idea for someone who is a strong Christian to marry someone who is not, because the potential for conflict over your beliefs may cause serious complications, as previous commenter testified. However, keep in mind that marrying an unbeliever is not sin (I do not believe) for a person to marry an unbeliever.

    It appears that what the Bible says about that to Christians is more of an advisory than a commandment. This becomes clear when you take it into context and read 1 Corinthians 7:14. It states: For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

    Whether or not you choose to become deeper involved with this man will be a judgement call you are free to make. Keep in mind that you were also once an unbeliever. There is a reason you are drawn to this man. It may be that God has brought you together for companionship and freindship for a season as you both journey through life, or it may be that he will the man you are going to marry.

    My advice to you is to quiet your anxious spirit about getting married. From some things you have written I presume you are fairly young, perhaps in your 20’s or early thirties. Because of the way our culture functions these days, I do not recommend that people become anxious to marry. We live in world in which many of us come in contact with countless people. In the old days social groups were more limited.

    Please take it slow and do not move forward in your relationship on a romantic level. Stick to being freinds with him and give the relationship TIME. If he is meant to be for you it will stand the test of time. Once you cross the lines with him romantically the relationship may become tainted to the point in which you can make seriously poor judgements. I do not recommend even such things as kissing. Maybe just a little hand holding at the very most.

    I do not think that God restricts people from holy forms of courtship, and He understands even more than we do our need to go through certain processes as we try to make the correct decisions regarding male and female relationships.

    For now, enjoy the blessing of your FRENDSHIP. You may be the one to influence him towards Christ; but do not be anxious or feel you need to have the answer about whether he is your future husband right now. The answer will come in time. The Bible says, “Let patience have her perfect work.”

    And certainly continue to be honest with him about where you stand, as it seems you have been. It would be unfair to lead him on, even unintentionally.

    I hope that helps somewhat.

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