Lord,
I feel like I’m messing up. I feel like I’m making a mess of my life. You have put me on my parents’ hearts heavily which means something must be up for they stay tuned in to You. I don’t know what I’m doing with this guy. I’m not sure how to get it all sorted out. All I do know is that yet once again, I want to press into You. Yet once again, I want to bury myself in You. Not to escape everything, but because I know that the only answer is there. The only way that everything can have its best possible outcome is found in You. So Lord, right now, I humble myself and press into You. Right now I pour out my heart, all of the muck, the dirt, the grime, all that is wrong in me, clean me out. Clean out my heart. Clean out my mind. Clean out my soul.
And replace it with You.
Find me once again Lord, renewed in You. Find me once again Lord, cleansed by Your spirit. Find me once again Lord, leaning on You. I will take whatever chastisement You want to lay on me. I keep telling myself that “well, I don’t love him,” “well, we didn’t do THAT” but I feel You try to whisper to me that it’s not about lines, it’s about direction. So Jesus, fix my direction. Help me follow the compass You gave me instead of what my “gut” is saying. Help me use Your instrument guide instead of “my eyesight.” So much of myself says that this guy is so perfect- he even doesn’t mind chicken feet!!!- but the one thing, the MOST IMPORTANT THING that we don’t have in common, is You. And unless that happens, I need to stop. I need to hold back more. Not just for myself, but even for him as well. His heart is on the line too, not just mine, and it is selfish of me to encourage more than just friendship if doing so, as of right now, means that there is potential that I will have to chose between You or him one day, and we know that I MUST choose You.
Lord, right now I choose You.
But I know Lord, that it can also mean that choosing You can lead to choosing a path that no one else knows is possible. Lord, in all this- above all else- let this guy meet You. I want him to find You. I want him, a guy who has been and each time continues to be, so much better than those who came before him and claimed to know You. A guy who doesn’t claim You and yet who has so many of Your qualities. So giving when he expects nothing in return, so gentle that he wouldn’t hurt even a spider that was scaring me… save Him Jesus. Save him so that He’ll get to meet You one day and realize that You’ve loved him all his life.
Help me stop having myself be seen and let YOU shine through. Help me stop getting in the way of what YOU want to accomplish. Help me just press into You and let YOU work as You will.
So Lord, I press on into You.
Rebekah M.
Related posts:
https://beingrebekah.com/2013/01/29/a-daddys-chastisement/
https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/14/the-visions-part-1/
https://beingrebekah.com/2013/02/28/the-visions-part-2/
https://beingrebekah.com/2013/04/12/the-visions-part-3/
https://beingrebekah.com/2013/05/02/the-visions-loved-like-gomer-was/
Being Rebekah 
Rebekah, maybe I shouldn’t comment, but you sound a lot like my daughter sounded when she was early twenties. She became infatuated with a man going through divorce, I counseled her against it, with scriptural reasoning she said she was in love, and had prayed about it and was at peace. It sounds to me you’re not at peace with this relationship. I do believe from your post you are infatuated with this ungodly man. Pease don’t make the mistake of thinking you can change Him. Only God can change His heart. Please wait on the Lord, if you pull back for a year, if it is meant to be it will be..If you go before God you will be stepping out from under God’s umbrella of protection. I would hate to see you get hurt.
Love in Christ Greg
.
Thank you for your concern… I don’t love him and you’re right… I have been feeling unease about it… when I’m with the guy and we’re out and about (like hiking up a super steep hill this past weekend) I feel like I can try anything (even going up almost 25ft of a fire tower despite my fear of heights) and forget about my concerns about “us”. But when he’s gone, I can’t help but know in my heart that unless he comes to God, we’ll never have the spiritual unity I always longed for in a relationship. I feel like part of me has given up hope that I’ll ever meet “Isaac.” Part of me is convinced he can’t exist. When boys in church can be manipulative, self-centered, and verbally abusive but boys outside of church are infinitely caring and compassionate… why would I date guys in church when the caliper of this guy is hands down MUCH more than the ones I dated in church? This guy knows I’m saving myself for marriage and respects that while the last guy I dated asked more than once, saying “but we’re in a committed relationship… I don’t see what the problem is” despite claiming Christ. How is it the guy out of church respects that I haven’t and won’t until marriage while the guy IN church asked multiple times??? and so I know.. just gotta bury myself in Christ and let Him sort it all out because I am so confused right now.
Because church attendance is as nothing compared to the call of God within the heart Rebekah, and many who attend church do not “get it”. Thats why. So, you are doing just fine, handing it over. Remember the magic words “Thy Will Be Done” too, that often clears the way forward. x
amen! 🙂
I have had to give up on someone else who I wanted so bad. It is painful because everything you want is in that person, except Christ. She was a girl who worked across the street from where I was working and I would see her everyday. And just to talk to her made my entire day light up. Wait on the Lord. Wait. He knows what you want in a man. He will take the things in all the others that made you come alive and put it together into one man. Such was the case with my mother meeting my father. So… I have been through a lot of pain in relationships, but I tell you, be patient. Be patient. He will bring “him” when it is the time and you will be like, “wow, I am so glad I waited.” Our flesh wants to put it all together and it wants to say, “I know what I want and this is what I want.” But I am so thankful to God that the girls I wanted so badly in the past, never came about, because as I have grown, my taste in what I want in a woman has even grown. And God has shown me that He is preparing a woman for me. And that in time, I will meet her. My Dad always said, “be about your fathers business and God will bring her when you least expect it.” Adam wasn’t looking for Eve, but God brought her. God has brought this man into your life to show you that this is what a good man can be like, but He hasn’t satisfied your desire to have that man… yet. He is just showing you what kind of man he is preparing for you.
So, please…. Wait on Him.
I know I need to… waiting is the hardest part… sometimes I wonder if there even is an “Isaac”… but that’s why I just need to find a way to just hide myself in Christ and hope He’ll sort it all out for me because I feel like I am messing my life up
I agree with all above. God wants you to be happy and at peace, not confused and unhappy. If this guy isn’t for you, God will give you the desires of your heart. If he is, then be patient. Don’t try to change him, he hasn’t tried to change you, If he is to change it will happen eventually.
I wouldn’t want to “change him” just help him realize that Jesus is God. As he is, without even claiming Christ, he effortlessly has very Christ-like acts. He is generous almost to a fault and not just to me. I know that God is calling to him, asking him to just let Him love him. Show him that He (Jesus) can be to him (this guy), as he is to others.
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