I feel like I’m messing up. I feel like I’m making a mess of my life. You have put me on my parents’ hearts heavily which means something must be up for they stay tuned in to You. I don’t know what I’m doing with this guy. I’m not sure how to get it all sorted out. All I do know is that yet once again, I want to press into You. Yet once again, I want to bury myself in You. Not to escape everything, but because I know that the only answer is there. The only way that everything can have its best possible outcome is found in You. So Lord, right now, I humble myself and press into You. Right now I pour out my heart, all of the muck, the dirt, the grime, all that is wrong in me, clean me out. Clean out my heart. Clean out my mind. Clean out my soul.
And replace it with You.
Find me once again Lord, renewed in You. Find me once again Lord, cleansed by Your spirit. Find me once again Lord, leaning on You. I will take whatever chastisement You want to lay on me. I keep telling myself that “well, I don’t love him,” “well, we didn’t do THAT” but I feel You try to whisper to me that it’s not about lines, it’s about direction. So Jesus, fix my direction. Help me follow the compass You gave me instead of what my “gut” is saying. Help me use Your instrument guide instead of “my eyesight.” So much of myself says that this guy is so perfect- he even doesn’t mind chicken feet!!!- but the one thing, the MOST IMPORTANT THING that we don’t have in common, is You. And unless that happens, I need to stop. I need to hold back more. Not just for myself, but even for him as well. His heart is on the line too, not just mine, and it is selfish of me to encourage more than just friendship if doing so, as of right now, means that there is potential that I will have to chose between You or him one day, and we know that I MUST choose You.
Lord, right now I choose You.
But I know Lord, that it can also mean that choosing You can lead to choosing a path that no one else knows is possible. Lord, in all this- above all else- let this guy meet You. I want him to find You. I want him, a guy who has been and each time continues to be, so much better than those who came before him and claimed to know You. A guy who doesn’t claim You and yet who has so many of Your qualities. So giving when he expects nothing in return, so gentle that he wouldn’t hurt even a spider that was scaring me… save Him Jesus. Save him so that He’ll get to meet You one day and realize that You’ve loved him all his life.
Help me stop having myself be seen and let YOU shine through. Help me stop getting in the way of what YOU want to accomplish. Help me just press into You and let YOU work as You will.
So Lord, I press on into You.