Wanting More

Today was a bit of a turnaround spiritually. I prayed and worshipped throughout, asking God to reclaim His place in my heart. Sure enough i felt His presence everywhere – He was all around me i could finally feel it. And it was strong. I rejoice in that. Anyway, while waiting for the subway and basking in the Lord’s presence, a man came down the steps onto the platform. He walked unsteadily, stumbling and weaving. He may have been drunk but it didn’t seem like it really. He wore a pair of threadbare hospital scrubs, so worn you could almost see through them in some places. They were falling off of him.

He began going up to people, asking them for change. He was angry and belligerent, ranting about getting what you pay for. He was getting in people’s faces, and stories have abounded lately about people getting pushed onto subway tracks, so most people reacted to this man with fear. I can’t say I blame them.

Knowing he was coming to me next, I began to pray for guidance on what to say to him. I was ready to be told to pray; I was ready to give money; I was ready to minister to him and love on him. I presented myself to God as a willing servant, ready to be used.

The man passed me by. He went to everyone else on the platform. Methodically. Other people were even lookong at me, wondering why I’d been skipped.

I’m still not sure. I don’t think it was to protect me. It just didn’t feel like it. Rather, I felt like the man needed something specific, and I just wasn’t ready spiritually to give it to him. It was a humbling reminder of how even when we stand in His presence, we always have farther to go.

So today I ask God for more. More of Himself, more fire for Him, more intimacy with Him. There is more of Him than I even have the capacity to understand. Jesus, I love you with all my heart.

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