“I lean not on my own understanding,
My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to You God,
Trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me.”
These are lyrics to a song (posted below), originally by the United Pursuit Band, that’s pretty much been my heartbeat for several months now. Every time I leave the house, I want to be used. In a profound way. I want spirits to move and God to be known. I want to love, unconditionally and boldly.
I don’t, however, want to do anything without Jesus.
It’s a good thing I have that caveat, because He hasn’t used me as often as I might’ve thought. I passed a homeless person once and God gave me a word for him about how he was priceless and precious and needed to remember who he was. Other times I have prayed with people. But not always. Sometimes I’m not led to do or say anything. It breaks my heart a little bit to walk by a person. But I have to trust that Jesus knows their hearts as well as He knows mine, and He knows who is ready to receive His words. He knows where to send me and what to have me do.
Then again, sometimes I’m called to do something but my tasks are more subtle than I would have predicted. Once, Jesus had me anoint a subway car. Why, you may ask? I might ask the same question. I have no idea why. I knew I had a mission that day, I could feel it. But I was assuming that the mission would be to pray over someone or be given discernment and a word for someone. Nope. I anointed a subway car that had nobody else in it. I obeyed the command and completed that task. I will never see the benefits or affects it had. But I trust that God had me do that for a reason.
Sometimes, I don’t know why He makes the decisions that He does. For instance, after praying for so long and hard to find an aide for Jimmy – not just any aide but the person that God wants in our house every morning and every night – after all that, I don’t know why our new aide is so rude and argumentative. Why there’s so much anger and anxiety in him. But I trust that God knows. Maybe the reason he’s been assigned to our house is because I do keep it covered in prayer. I pray for the people who come here too. Maybe he has spiritual issues of his own that need to be worked out and he needs that extra prayer support. Maybe. I don’t know.
The point is, I don’t have to know. I can feel Jesus beaming when I serve Him, even if I don’t know why I am. But really, I am a mere vessel. I’m hands and feet. Jesus is the center, the head, the breath that sustains me. The ‘tasks’ I do stem from Him. That’s all I need to know. Beyond that, “I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven. I give it all to You God, trusting that You’ll make something beautiful out of me.”
And so my heartbeat continues.