Tonight guy and I had a talk- I keep thinking he’ll disappear on me because the other guys have. He said something that rang SO true the moment I heard him say the words- “Wow, he really messed you up emotionally.” Something knew that the scars are deep and there is one that I have NEVER really addressed- with the second guy… when he wanted to break up… I begged him not to give up. I literally begged him over and over again to just give us a chance. He finally said “okay” and I was SO happy and excited because I thought that we had a chance to be something amazing… but then just a few minutes later he said he was sorry but he just couldn’t. There is just so much wrapped up in it all. I didn’t even love him, my feelings weren’t deep, but the HOPE of what it could be… that I was willing to try and find out about… and I humiliated myself and poured myself out for him to only walk away… like the first guy.
So now, with this man who seems to have so many things about him that match up with me (and some that REALLY don’t but perhaps it’ll be a balancing thing), in my head I just feel like there’s never been such a chance for things to work out and yet it just all the more makes me wonder if he’ll leave me too. I know he’s not guy #1 or 2. I know that guy #1 and guy #2 could NEVER hold a candle to this guy… but when all you’ve ever known is trying when the others leave, it starts to feel like maybe there is something within me that drives guys away. Just as God was telling me that I am beautiful and loved, I need Him now more than ever to tell me that I am worth the effort. I am worth someone trying and NOT walking. That there isn’t something inherently so repulsive about me that guys go running away screaming bloody murder.
I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure those guys walked away in shame. There is no way guy #1 walked away with his head held high, knowing that he conducted himself as a real man because well… how can you when you dumped the girl you said you had picked a ring out for by changing your status to “single” on facebook and never speaking to her again. Guy #2- I think he knew he made a mistake- even recently liking some of my pictures on facebook and trying to get me to console him when he was having a rough day.
But these insults only left scars of me wondering if there was something inherently wrong or repulsive about myself. I can’t help but think if he ever truly sees who I am, will he just run away too? I think some of him fears the same thing about me though- that something in him is also concerned about me rejecting him if I ever truly saw him at his core… but I don’t think I will. His past only proves the grace of our amazing God. His actions keep telling me that my fears are not grounded. His eyes (at least on video chat) say that he finds me beautiful.
So Lord, allay our fears. Jesus, help me see myself in Your eyes. You aren’t repulsed by me. You love me more than words could ever express. I know that in Your presence, I am adored and loved beyond anything or anyone ever could. Help me believe that if this truly is my Isaac, he too won’t find me repulsive and run away.
Learning to believe You created me just as I am and therefore I can’t be repulsive because You do all things right,