Tonight guy and I had a talk- I keep thinking he’ll disappear on me because the other guys have. He said something that rang SO true the moment I heard him say the words- “Wow, he really messed you up emotionally.” Something knew that the scars are deep and there is one that I have NEVER really addressed- with the second guy… when he wanted to break up… I begged him not to give up. I literally begged him over and over again to just give us a chance. He finally said “okay” and I was SO happy and excited because I thought that we had a chance to be something amazing… but then just a few minutes later he said he was sorry but he just couldn’t. There is just so much wrapped up in it all. I didn’t even love him, my feelings weren’t deep, but the HOPE of what it could be… that I was willing to try and find out about… and I humiliated myself and poured myself out for him to only walk away… like the first guy.
So now, with this man who seems to have so many things about him that match up with me (and some that REALLY don’t but perhaps it’ll be a balancing thing), in my head I just feel like there’s never been such a chance for things to work out and yet it just all the more makes me wonder if he’ll leave me too. I know he’s not guy #1 or 2. I know that guy #1 and guy #2 could NEVER hold a candle to this guy… but when all you’ve ever known is trying when the others leave, it starts to feel like maybe there is something within me that drives guys away. Just as God was telling me that I am beautiful and loved, I need Him now more than ever to tell me that I am worth the effort. I am worth someone trying and NOT walking. That there isn’t something inherently so repulsive about me that guys go running away screaming bloody murder.
I’ll be honest, I’m pretty sure those guys walked away in shame. There is no way guy #1 walked away with his head held high, knowing that he conducted himself as a real man because well… how can you when you dumped the girl you said you had picked a ring out for by changing your status to “single” on facebook and never speaking to her again. Guy #2- I think he knew he made a mistake- even recently liking some of my pictures on facebook and trying to get me to console him when he was having a rough day.
But these insults only left scars of me wondering if there was something inherently wrong or repulsive about myself. I can’t help but think if he ever truly sees who I am, will he just run away too? I think some of him fears the same thing about me though- that something in him is also concerned about me rejecting him if I ever truly saw him at his core… but I don’t think I will. His past only proves the grace of our amazing God. His actions keep telling me that my fears are not grounded. His eyes (at least on video chat) say that he finds me beautiful.
So Lord, allay our fears. Jesus, help me see myself in Your eyes. You aren’t repulsed by me. You love me more than words could ever express. I know that in Your presence, I am adored and loved beyond anything or anyone ever could. Help me believe that if this truly is my Isaac, he too won’t find me repulsive and run away.
Learning to believe You created me just as I am and therefore I can’t be repulsive because You do all things right,
Rememer this, all these struggles and relational issues in life should draw us more into realizing our true identity and beauty comes not from what another person gives us but from our Heavenly Father, even so it is enjoyable when others value us, it is the not supposed to be our source of value and joy. But here in our world as is, God can and does use others to help lift us up and help us in life, so I dont discount that feeling of companionshio with a spouse that most of is long to have. God put that in us also so we can fill the earth with his people and learn more of his parental love for us, but God wants yoy to seek him first and not worry about finding the right Guy. In Jesus you will have all you need, and as you exude that godly faith and confidence, people around you will be even more attracted to you. God will meet your other needs in this life when you trust in him and really learn deep down that everything about you is beautiful before your Creator. He made no mistakes when he created any of us. Dont let the lies of satan tell you anything otherwise. Beauty comes not from the outside, but from the soul within.
To DCShelton – AMEN! I echo your comment! Allow your friendship to blossom, as a rose opens. Allow each day to be a day of new beginnings where you just allow yourselves to enjoy each others company. Everything else will just fall into place. May the LORD bless you both. 🙂
Rebekah M., I just happened to read this while trying to catch on blogs I follow or who are following mine. I read yours with great interest. Two things provoked me to write…first, you are spot-on when you say you have great inherent worth! In fact, you are amazing to God! And I perceive that you’re on the right track with Him. You sound like an awesome person. Secondly, don’t sell yourself short. Don’t expect failure or disappointment. I know it’s hard to deal with the rejection issues and stay positive, but those “guys” are probably not for you. Maybe if they were relationally more mature, but they’re obviously not. But there is much better for you. I don’t know you but I can tell from your post that God has much more for you.
My wife and I counsel a lot of young people looking for love. The one thing we tell everyone is, prepare yourself first. Become a powerful “you,” able to manage yourself, even when others don’t.. Know how to be vulnerable yet secure in who you are. Then find someone who can manage themselves. Actually, you attract the level of relational maturity you have become yourself. Not that you have to be perfect, but that you’ve learned how to love with grace and intimacy instead of fear and anxiety.
So, you go, girl! Feel Papa’s smile…hear Him cheering you on! You’re His beautiful daughter who He jealously protects. Not just any “guy” can have you! It must be someone very special. And He knows you will be the perfect someone for him if you hold your head up and stay strong. Blessings to you. 🙂