So guy still has not spoken to me… for those of you who have been keeping up I’ve been talking to a guy a few weeks now and it was going crazy amazing and then things just… went all weird. My prayer partner and I felt like an attack was coming before things got really weird but it has now literally been 3 days since I last got any form of communication from him. Yesterday I felt God call me to battle for him and I felt something break in the spirit. Today He woke me up and as I was trying to pray for guy I felt Jesus say “Do you want to pray for what you want or what I want?” So I asked Him “Lord, what would You have me pray?” and immediately I just started saying “Lord, fortify me, fortify me oh Lord.” As the day progressed any time I tried to pray for guy, Jesus brought me right back to myself and He kept opening my eyes to what I have done wrong.
Today’s lesson from God all started with my prayer partner sending this:
God wants you to know your own worth, and know it well enough that He can be enough. There is a part of you that identifies yourself by the worldly standard of being In a relationship and the ABILITY to be in a relationship, and the insecurity as time goes on and friends get married is getting a bit worse maybe? And He wants to you to know the value of your heart is so great and beautiful and precious that it is impossible to define by those standards. You are something new to Him, precious to Him and indefinable by the confines of a ‘standard’ life. He wants a human husband for you, but He also wants your soul to be free to seek and be sought by its true Groom. And there is pain, and hurt, and fear preventing that. And He wants you to know that your pain and hurt and fear and insecurity…..it hasn’t dulled your shine in His eyes. He wants it to not dull your shine in your eyes either. And I get the sense that the way you seek a guy, the way that Jesus felt He was going to he replaced by [guy]…is partly a reflection of those deeper things. It’s the most apparent manifestation of it. Which is why so many of these crazy issues occur around your relationships lol. Sooo I dont know where that leaves [guy] in your life. Nowhere right now, til the attack is over. The overall outcome might still depend on you.
I sobbed as I read that, knowing the truth that was within those words. I literally said “why are you leaving my soul in hell God?” because I have felt SO rejected much of my life. I have not been able to shake the fear of rejection from my heart. I know that I pushed guy to just claim me as a girlfriend out of fear- fear that it was because he couldn’t really see me- that he too was blind and by claiming me, it would prove he could actually see my worth.
Tonight as I drove back from a day trip 2hrs away for Saturday night service, I passed by a city where I had messed up the most with my ex-boyfriends. I felt God tell me to go into that city and I said “no thanks God, it’s in my past!” and as I passed the exit I felt Him say “I wanted you to see where you had BEEN so that you can know that I am washing away your guilt and your shame of your past.” I sobbed as I drove to service, feeling His love and cleaning blood like never before- but He wasn’t finished.
Tonight, Pastor spoke on going to the next level in Christ. At altercall I felt Him finally help me see that my biggest problem- why I feel SO unseen, so imperfect and therefore marred and ugly in my eyes- is because I want perfection. I want to be perfect but He told me “you cannot be perfect, you have messed up, you have a past, but IN ME you can be perfect! My blood has covered all the mistakes of your past and washed them away. I am washing away your guilt and shame of not being perfect and making you perfect for all to see— IN ME.” I felt His love and His grace wash over me like never before and I knew – come what may, God has done a work in me today that will stay with me forever. I need to stop fearing my future and embrace that in Him, I am perfect and beautiful and loved.
In Him, forgiven and perfected,