But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. ~Philippians 4:10-13
As there is continued silence from guy, I feel I would be a fool to think he still likes me after almost a week of full silence but I can’t help but want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn’t lying when he said “[Rebekah M], when I’m busy and can’t text, you have to believe me when I say I would tell you if I’m not interested in you anymore and just be okay with the silences.” However, I feel more than ever God is just saying “take some time now to just grow in the things I have been revealing to you about your soul lately.” I feel that he won’t break the silence but that God has given me a way to do that which will give me dignity and grace in saying goodbye. I need to say I’m sorry for the times I tried to lead the relationship and to thank him for being the catalyst that brought to light the fact I hadn’t forgiven myself for my past mistakes in relationships. That God used him to open my eyes to the flood of grace and mercy He has been trying to work in my life for almost two years now.
Until Jesus frees me to say that though (for I feel Him tell me to keep silent for now), I feel Him telling me to learn how to just be content in this time. Be content knowing that I am loved by the One who loved me before I was born. To know that I truly am a daughter of the King who need not beg for love. I can feel Him changing and molding me so that I can finally have a healthy relationship- one without fear of rejection because the deep seated fear that I’m secretly a hideous monster inside is being washed away by the loving Savior who says:
“How can my beloved, beautiful jewel be ugly? You have allowed this world to splatter mud on you and allowed yourself to believe them when they say ‘you are an ugly, dirty monster!’ but I love you enough, child, to take this time now to wipe all the mud off, buffer you, and help you shine brighter than you ever have. This process hurts, I know, the wiping is cleansing but the buffering is the hardest part- but you will shine my love. You will shine so bright that men, women, and children will be drawn to you even more and your life will give praise to Me.”
God is calling me to a future where I will be working side-by-side with a man of God who is also just so desperately seeking to further His kingdom and show everyone His love. I want a home that is open to the weary. I want a man who will not sigh in frustration when we share many of our hard earned meals with the hungry. I want a man who will gladly give away our extra coats to the cold. — all for His kingdom, knowing that we are the light of this world and may be the only time they will see Christ in their life (for we will be His mirror). One who will drop everything he’s doing just to join with me in prayer over a lost soul or broken heart- not for the time spent with ME, but for Jesus. I have given my future children up to God already- I have prayed more than once that if He would grant me with children, may they love and serve God starting from an early age- and I need a man who desires that just as strongly.
So Lord, here I am, in the midst of the buffering and praise You. Earlier tonight as I was sobbing on my way home I did not ask You to stop this trial. I cried to You saying “This hurts Lord but I know it is for my own good.” I saw the change that had happened in my heart through those words. I so often want to run or fight these times of “buffering” or just suffer through without trusting You. This time, however, I see it for what it is worth: a time to grow. I will NEVER be ready to handle the kind of relationship You want for my future if I hold on to these insecurities but if I just allow You to move in this time, I will SHINE.
Dear reader, if you are going through a time of being polished, just know He is doing a work in you to make your inherent beauty shine forth. You are BEAUTIFUL (or handsome 🙂 )! You are an amazing, beautiful gift that God has given this world! Let Him flood your life with the same grace and mercy that He has on me this past week! As He has been showing me, let your past be your PAST- walk in Him into your future! Let Him wipe away your tears as He wipes away your stains. Let Him hold you, lift you up, and show the world the prize that He has created you to be. May you show forth His love to all that you meet – especially those caught in sin, despair, and the chains of this world.
Being polished in Him,