Earlier, during my morning time with God, I wrote in my devotional journal:
here and now I officially place [guy] in Your hands to either forever separate or one day reunite us.
I didn’t expect it to be today. After 12 days of complete silence, the first 4 of which I had been texting words of encouragement and he never responded, he texted. Said he was sorry. Said he realized he had been a jerk. Said that he had needed time alone to think.
I am still reeling.
To be honest, I expected Him to keep guy and I separate. I expected Him to help me forever forget guy. I was NOT expecting for guy to not only come back later on the same day apologizing- twice in the same set of texts- he even tried to text me more throughout the day. I fought between wanting to scream at him “why???” and living the words I said to him- that I forgave him. It’s interesting to me that so quickly, I have been asked by God to truly just trust Him with this- to either separate us or reunite us. I thought at earliest I would have another month- time to become immune to his charms. Time to forget all the times of laughter, connection over the things of God, and prayer that had been drawing me in towards his heart since the very beginning.
It is easier to believe they were all a lie in the light of almost 2 weeks of silence than it is to believe that he meant it. If he meant it, then why the complete silence with no warning? I was praying and fasting for him. I was seeking God on his behalf and he cut me off. His only explanation is that he needed time alone to think? Did he truly think that I wouldn’t just assume he was done with me after all this time? He even was saying things on facebook that drove people to text me asking if we were over (I didn’t see them since God had called me to go on a FB fast that day)… I actually asked them not to tell me what he said but even their questioning makes me to wonder- is my heart safe even just letting him talk to me again?
Then it all brings me back to trusting God fully and completely with every aspect of my life. Yes his actions hurt me. I had moments of sobbing in my car for the broken whisper of hope that I finally had allowed my heart to feel. But ultimately, since I prayed with all my heart that I was putting it in His hands to either bring us back together or keep us apart, I know that this must have been of God. Now, however, I have to live out this faith and trust. I have to believe that God will not bring anything back into my life that isn’t ultimately for my own good. Is it to truly learn how to live forgiveness? Is it because we truly are meant to be (although since I don’t really trust him right now that obviously will take some time)? All I know is that I prayed about it being in Jesus’ hands to do with as He wished and He brought us back together- at least for now.
If this truly was of You, help me walk in true forgiveness. Help me walk in complete trust that You wouldn’t have allowed this unless there was a reason. Help me not move either towards or away from him unless You tell me to.
Trusting Him like never before,