I feel like I’m drifting. I still haven’t seen Bradley. And yes, I’ve looked. And yes, I’ve listened. I hope he’s ok! It is funny to me that as soon as I get some direction on what to do next with this guy, I can’t find him anywhere. But I’ll keep looking. I’m in the city again tonight, at his favorite subway stop. I’ll go in a little early I think, just in CASE he’s sitting down there and I can spend some time with him. Maybe I can even nail him down to a “same time tomorrow?” I wish!
Somehow, though, I don’t think so. I think this will quickly turn into a lesson in seizing every opportunity and loving on people in every moment. I tend to love/speak vaguely the first time, then go back home to process and weigh it with God, and get direction on what to do next. With the homeless population that is so frequently on my heart, that’s not really always an option. I need to get my heart to a place that is seeking God in the moment, or ahead of time really, and pouring out His love in that same moment. God doesn’t need more than one moment to touch a heart, and who knows if I’ll get a chance for two?
I partly walk in this already, at least the seeking Him in advance part, but not enough. I need to trust Him that He is bigger than the moment, bigger than any person in front of me or situation that my mind needs to process later, and big enough to use even the slimmest of chances that come my way. That trust of Him is what will take these mini “missions” trips (into Manhattan. From Queens. I did say mini, did I not? But they are missions nonetheless – not every lost soul is in a third-world country) from a desperate sales pitch to an outpouring of love that is calm and peaceful and straight to the heart of the other person (who will hopefully be Bradley).
I’ve realized that ultimately I’ve had it backwards. I’ve been going into the city and bringing Jesus with me, looking for this man so *I* can do what I should. It should be the other way around. Jesus should be the one bringing me into the city, so I can be a tool as He goes about His business. Your piece of pottery doesn’t bring you along for the ride, does it? You bring it. I shouldn’t be ahead of Him and hoping He catches up in time for these encounters to be effective. I should be following Him there in the first place, to be used however He sees fit.
So I’m trying. I am learning to lean just a little bit deeper and to let Jesus bring me with Him – not the other way around.