Lately I’ve been feeling God pulling on my heart more and more to just be so buried in Him, so fully immersed in Him that we are one. To be like the kind of artwork that you might actually see of a married couple where the two pieces look fine by itself but when put together, it tells another story- even more beautiful in realizing that they compliment each other so perfectly.
I cannot help in this time to still be hurting from guy. I still to this day do not know why things fell apart, yes it’s only been a few weeks since he last contacted me, but still… what happened? All I do know is that I keep feeling Him tell me to just shed everything- my anger, the root of bitterness that wants to grow, the despair, the sense of abandonment… just shed it all so that His presence can finally be full in my life. He cannot dwell where darkness is and those things are indeed dark. And so I find myself (especially when I most want revenge and for him to feel just as abandoned and rejected for unknown reasons as he made me feel) making myself say “This is not of God. My God is a God of grace and forgiveness. Lord, I pray that You bless him. Bless His life, bless that he learns whatever lessons you tried to teach him through this situation so that he doesn’t repeat it in the future. May he have a blessed rest of his life.”
It is NOT easy. Part of me wants him to come back crawling, begging for forgiveness, promising undying devotion and actually proving that he won’t just walk away at the first sign of trouble like before. Proving with unwavering steadfastness no matter how much I throw at him that he actually means his words. I vacillate between wanting him back in my life and wanting him to pay.
And so I just keep shedding it. Those things try to come back and I ask God to shed them and weave me into Him. Each time, I feel myself being woven more and more in Him. Each time I can see that the time with him was for my best- I truly did shed much of my past through everything. I really am much more ready for the right relationship- just this time with a guy who actually deserves a woman who would pray and fast over him in the hard times. This time with a man who wouldn’t walk away when things get tough but also dig in through prayer and fasting. A man who wouldn’t suddenly go from praying with me most days of the week to rejecting my requests to pray together.
I keep feeling God tell me to stop trying to figure out who that will be- to take every thought that I want in wondering if I know him already- and just let God surprise me with love. To just let myself get SO lost in Him and weaving us together that love will blindside me. That I won’t know what hit me.
And so, with a sore heart, God slowly sets me free a little more each time I ask Him to weave us together for the darkness cannot be where the light is. His light shines a little more brightly each time and the darkness is shed from me a little more each day. God is winning as I begged Him with tears to do in my darkest moments of despair. He is my victory. He is my prize. He is the resting place for my weary soul.
Being woven in Him,
A difficult, but beautiful journey in God. Blessings xx
It is through the fires of relationships in this life God refines us. May you see the rewards of your faith and trust in God be fulfilled soon, but never forget it will be worth it in the end, where death and sin is swallowed up in the complete victory of Christ and his glorious light!
Rebekah M, my heart aches for you. In your mind you would know this already, but I feel to say that you are not defined by these encounters – they aren’t a reflection of you, nor do they say anything about your capacity to have this right and beautiful relationship that you describe. I have this image of Jesus sharing in your grief. Thank you for your honesty in all of this! This and your incredible faith that springs from relationship with God have been so inspiring to me. You are marked by courage. We’re rooting for you!
Being woven into Him keeps us from falling apart. He holds all things together–including us! Praying for healing and peace for you.