A friend of mine has been telling me about a guy that she’s been speaking on my behalf to. He sounds like a great guy, but deep down I know I’m just not ready for anything new yet. Perhaps friendship- actually perhaps now is the best time to start talking- when I only want friends. This is the interesting part though- I felt God ask me today:
Why won’t you let me heal your soul?
This continued insult on my sense of worth from guys just walking away from me- 2 out of 3 in the middle of my praying for them- made me feel as if I’m one to be abandoned. Trash to be forgotten. Yet the Savior’s voice called to me today asking me why I was holding on to this hurt? Why when He has told me over and over again that I am His precious jewel do I let their actions dictate how I see myself? And so I sit here now, wondering- why won’t I let Him? The answer is rather clear-
1) fear- I am afraid of letting anyone else in so to hold on to this hurt and pain and shame shields me from falling for anyone else who might hurt me too
2) I want pity- I want the world to feel sorry for me- part of me wants to scream that he wasn’t a man about things, that he took the coward’s way out. That he broke his word… again. I want them to console my injured soul- to say “yes, he did you wrong.” And yet I hold back the accusations for God’s grace and mercy always flood my life before I do anything so foolish. It would gain me nothing to tear him down and everything to just give it to God and let Him judge and dole out His punishments in His timing. If anything, him throwing away the very person who was praying for him in his hard time is punishment enough.
God wants me to stop asking for pity, to stop wanting to wallow in my fear and pain and just run forward in Him. I keep feeling Him beckoning me to just shed this weakness and weariness by immersing myself in Him so much that HE is the strength. HE is my energy. HE is what fuels my every action.
So Lord, here I am before You asking You to just help me once again, shed these things from my life. Jesus, shed them so I can move forward in You. Help me hear Your voice daily guiding me. Help me daily live my life for you. Help me recommit myself to Being Rebekah- of living in excellence in You and trusting that in Your timing, You will bring an Eleazar to lead me to Isaac… if I’ll just trust You now and move in faith in Your timing.
Jesus, fill this weak and weary soul with Your love,