I cannot describe how much has happened lately. From long work hours to severe sickness to more, through it all I became more and more run down- going into auto-pilot mode. Although my last post indicated I was going to try to re-ignite the passion and deep devotion I once had for God, I drifted more and more into just existing. Trying to survive each day despite my heart and soul slowly shutting down more and more each day. I went to work, went home, passed out, and did it again except on the times I’d show up in church but even then- my heart was not fully in it.
But then vacation.
God seems to always know when to make things come to pass that need to and because of certain work restrictions I had been forced to take my vacation time that I had wanted to take this month (because I turned 30 recently) to see my brother and his family last week.
We have an on-time God.
My brother asked me when he picked me up at the airport what I wanted to do and I told him I was there for rest and restoration- and that is exactly what He provided but not just for myself but for them as well. God reminded me of who I am- one who is filled with hope of the future and secure in His love. My sister-in-law and I had an amazing time of prayer before I left and I know that my God is blessing my brother as well.
With all that said- I’ve set the stage for you to understand that I have recently come out of a place of depression and back into God’s light to understand the significance of my next moment I’m about to talk about.
While talking to a new potential guy last night that I met on my vacation (in church), I talked about how someone asked me to take a ninja mask off last year because it scared her and he asked “did she say that before or after you took the mask off? lol jk.” It really was like a punch in the gut. This guy could NEVER understand just what he truly said to me because we just met less than a week ago. He does not know where God has brought me from.
I was broken as a child. I was completely and fully convinced that I was a hideous monster- ugly beyond all ugly. I remember distinctly in 10th grade when I joined an all female swim club and when I walked out in my bathing suit and they didn’t mock me I stopped and thought “wow, maybe I’m not THAT ugly.”
Over the years, God has been working on my broken soul to see the beauty He created in me. From friends and family and even strangers, He has told me I’m beautiful. Only one of the guys that I have talked to has ever left me the impression he truly believed it, all else I have always doubted when they’d tell me I’m pretty or beautiful- but I know that can change.
Which is why what he said made such an impact
But I know my God is greater. I know a God, King Jesus, who has taken me from a place of believing I am a monster and NO ONE CAN MAKE ME GO BACK THERE EXCEPT MYSELF. I should have said something then- see if he learn that I cannot allow words like that in my life, instead I just typed an “lol” and babbled a little, reeling from feeling pushed back to where I once was. But the amazing part is that my Jesus scooped me up and has given me strength to know that He has taken me from a place of self-loathing and I never have to be there again- no matter what anyone says. I am beautiful to Him and that is all that matters.
Maybe this will be the end of things with the new potential guy. Maybe he doesn’t even think of me as anything more than a new friend. Time will tell. Regardless, God has shown me again how good and faithful He is.
So for any of you who feel ugly, too fat, too thin, too short, too tall. A monster. A face not even a mother could love. REJECT THOSE WORDS AND THOUGHTS IN JESUS NAME! You are loved! You are beautiful (or handsome!) You are created to bring God joy by merely being in His presence! He longs to be with you, to shower His love on you. Let Him love you. Let Him show you how He sees you in His mirror!
Look the monster in the mirror and find there the beauty within.