Calm

Yesterday guy never texted, called, or responded to anything I sent him. I was worried and yet felt God saying everything would be okay. As a doctor I can’t help but imagine the worst because I have seen people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time- sometimes that wrong place being their own apartment that was mistaken for someone else’s.

But I prayed in Jesus name over his health and condition and I felt more and more to pray over his mental/emotional state.

In the end he texted this morning saying he was sorry and he didn’t mean to worry me, he just does this sometimes when he gets very worried over something. When I was mentioning that to one of my nurses tonight she told me to just get rid of him- huge red flag and something I shouldn’t have to deal with if he couldn’t even just send ONE text to say “can’t talk today, just need some space, sorry.”

Which is true… but I guess in the end the question that begs to be asked if “but what if God said to just trust Him in this time and stand still?”

I don’t know what this guy is thinking anymore. A whole day of silence then he reaffirms his love for me and, although talking to me less, has not cut me off yet or said he was done. I believe he needs his space and that he just needs to sort out whatever is going on in his head with God. I also felt God tell me that in this time of testing for him, either he will come out as the person I need for my future journey in this life or he will fail the test and cannot be the man I need.

I pray he passes the test of trust but ultimately I know this is between him and God. I cannot make him the man I need- only God can. If he is to be the one who can walk this life with me, he’ll have to be strong enough in knowing his foundation is Christ to stand being a husband to a doctor when he has no degree to his name. If he is to be the one I need, he’ll have to warn me the next time he just needs a Jesus day because it is not fair or right to make me worry for over a whole day… I went to bed holding my Bible because His Word gives me comfort on my restless nights. I understand and honor when a man needs to get away with his God- Jesus- but I also know that all I am asking is a simple text so I know what is going on.

Communication is the key.

In this time of miscommunication though, my God can bridge the gap. He has told me that He is holding on to my heart until this man proves he is worthy. His actions yesterday spoke a mix- on his behalf because he was seeking God but against him because he did not tell me that he was checking out for a bit.  Many of his other actions have spoken on his behalf.

I am okay with him having time away with Him but the not communicating and allowing me to worry for a whole day when I have no power to go see him because he is thousands of miles away…

…and yet my Lord tells me to just leave it in His hands. This man will either prove himself to be who I need, or he will prove himself to not be. And so there, in His arms, I have found my calm. In His hands my heart rests and He will give it should this man prove himself worthy. In His embrace am I safe.

Buried in Him where He is my calm,

Rebekah M.

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6 thoughts on “Calm

  1. I have had some similar experiences. I have learned two things…1. Some guys really struggle with texting. It seems simple to us to send a quick text but for some guys it is difficult. And 2. If a guy is truly interested he will show it. I have had several times where i have had to make that choice to wait and not text first and just let him pursue. It is super difficult but if his heart is in it he will pursue. So there are times to make allowances and understand that texting is not everyones forte and times to wait and let them pursue.

    Just some thoughts from a stranger. I hope it doesnt offend. You can delete it if you are and please forgive the imposition.

    • no no! don’t feel like you would offend, it’s how I feel too… but this is a man who had been texting me daily- most times the moment he woke up until he went to sleep and then disappeared for a whole day! But he just needed time with our Jesus to help him get perspective. It’s great having our readers chime in, even if I’m not the best at responding all the time 😦

      • No worries on replying 🙂 at least for me. I am reading your posts and feeling i have found a kindred spirit. Or my unconscious self is writing a blog that i dont know about. Your story sounds so similar to mine. I will keep you in prayer. I am 8 months into my story. It gets easier in some ways but terrifying in others. On the wdge of engagement and i feel so joyful and thank God at times and other times i am terrified that i am not truly seeking Gods heart in this and just plowing through my own will. So take these times and lessons to heart my friend. For they will prepare you for the next thing.

        • YES! I know that feeling!!! we have actually talked about when would be a good time for a wedding/engagement should we get that far… I think it comforted each of us to know that we are aiming for marriage IF God wants, but both acknowledge that it is ultimately up to God and if that is where He wants us… but in the mean time having his prayer support on the bad nights in the hospital has been invaluable! He has been SUCH a blessing in some ways but it is NOT easy having 2000+ miles between us… but God is sufficient 🙂

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