This week has been one of my toughest that I’ve ever had emotionally. I have hidden it well from many but Monday night I had a death wish and it lingered for days. I was truly oppressed for sure. No appetite. I was sobbing uncontrollably for almost an hour Monday night… just so deeply wishing I was dead. I actually told God that too… my slate was clean, why couldn’t I just die before I could sin again and before anyone else could hurt me.
Yesterday, my prayer partner and I were on the phone together for something she needed prayer for and I finally confessed these feelings and practically begged her to just pray over me… and finally I started getting a release. I was BETTER after Monday night… but the thoughts continued randomly- especially when I was driving or home alone. Thoughts of how it would be fine if a freak drunk driver accident happened to me, a freak train coming out of no where, carbon monoxide poisening etc…. Never actually had any intentions to do anything… just no desire to fight for my life should something bad have happened at the time.
Don’t get me wrong- I believe suicide is the worst thing you can do to your family. My cousin committed suicide and the pain that took YEARS to heal.. I would never want to inflict that on anyone else.
However… as I said- I believe I as oppressed… the thoughts would come uninvited and it would just be ways that I could die that wouldn’t be my fault and how I really didn’t mind it.
I found out my prayer partner and God sister were called on Monday to fast for me and my prayer partner was even in deep intercession for me around the same time the thoughts started. While talking to/praying with my prayer partner yesterday though we figured out that a big root of problem was that much of my life I have had some wound inflicted that has left me feeling easily forgotten, abandoned, and unprotected. Were any of those things true for my childhood- no- and yet I know in my heart that these are deep, deep roots. Why does anyone hurt at times? There are times we doctors can’t tell our patients the source of the problem, just potential ways to help it get better (and sometimes not even that- sometimes the only one with the answers is God Himself).
Thank You that in Your love You sent people to fast/pray for me in my hour of need. Thank You that I know You are my protector, You will never abandon, You will never leave me behind.