Jesus,

My heart needs Your complete healing. What guy had done… I had loved him, I really did. I rarely let my heart go to that level because I rarely let guys in but it’s almost as if once they get past my defenses I just let go and love deeply and completely. He is only the second man that I had ever told I loved and I had planned on it staying at that. Here I sit now- heart having been broken- knowing that these pieces don’t hurt anymore, but I’m not whole yet. Make it a mosiac once again. A beautiful artwork laced with your mercy, grace, and love. Help me use that to extend grace and love to him who hurt me (maybe not romantically, whatever YOUR will Lord). He sent me a picture yesterday of him wearing the bowtie I sent him before everything fell apart… I’m not 100% sure what that means… if it was his way to say he still likes me.

Lord, help me rest in YOUR assurances. To know that in YOU everything will be okay.  At some point he and I need to have a heart to heart- if he wants to make things work. He needs to know how much I don’t trust him but how much I really want to. He doesn’t even know how much I had been feeling he was flirting around but I ignored it since I believed him incapable of what felt akin to cheating since he had told me he had loved me just a few short weeks before.

How does one believe someone who had said those precious words and then silently taken them back without any warning but still wouldn’t let me go either? How does one get over the deep sense of humiliation and betrayal? I had essentially fought with one of my best friends the night before I found out about his actions for TWO HOURS, defending him, defending why I thought he was worth it… while he was flirting with a different friend of mine talking about how he didn’t have a chance with her.  How can I ever trust such a man again?

So Lord,

I place this in Your hands.  I want him back in my life, if You will. I miss him very much and I KNOW who he COULD be… but his actions of the past scare me into ever trusting him again.  Part of me knows if he would just scream to the world he had found me and would never let me go, to make sure it was blatantly obvious to anyone and everyone looking at his facebook and in person that he had a woman he loved…. then I could trust him again. Then I would know… but how to get from here to there? He has trust issues too- his ex-wife did such a number on him and it was obvious it was a big driving force behind his awful actions.

You’ll have to navigate… if we’re even supposed to be together again.  You’ll have to be what makes that possible for all I see is a giant whole where our relationship once was, shattered pieces of my heart, and eyes that feel so disillusioned, so broken- how could I have been so blind to the fact he was sneaking around behind my back- seeking attention from other women? and for what? He gambled with my affections the way he did and in the end he lost. Lost my trust, lost my heart, lost my love.

Can you taken this brokenness between us and fix it? Can You rebuild what his hands broke? Part of me so badly wants You to, the other half is too scared to hope. Lord… help me just focus on Your kingdom and the work I have ahead of me both for this world and Yours for my medical missions trip to a European country in desperate need of medical care is coming up at the end of the month and I need to be spiritually/physically prepared. Lord, help me focus on Your Kingdom in this time of confusion, when all I want to do is drown out the noise in my head/heart and let the days roll on by.

Help me live courageously in You,

Rebekah M.