Contemplation

As I prepare for my latest trip to california to see my beloved nephew, I can’t help but feel drawn to write some things down. I have been rather…. I don’t even know how to fully explain it. I’m not broken per say, I’ve just been… numb. I have had SO much work to do. It has felt like chaos swirling around me. I have done a 22hr shift only to go back 4hrs later to help deliver a baby but we ended up doing a C-section 6hours later.

There have been a mix of guys in my life who some have come and gone, some seem to want to step things up a little perhaps, and even someone new who has just truly brightened my last few days.

I am so lost as to what I should do about all this. One guy and I have had tentative plans to meet up Saturday and the last time we did felt very much like a date but… he rarely ever speaks with me when we’re not face-to-face. I had a horrendous day yesterday and I didn’t even bother trying to message him about it because I couldn’t trust that he’d care enough to reply. It’s almost like a lack of even a friendship.

Another guy is looking to drive HOURS to hang out with a group, knowing I might be there. Is he there just for the group or at least partially to finally meet me? All I know is that he posted in our mutual group on facebook his Ms calendar month nominations for Sept-Dec and made me Ms December with the following description:

Beautiful, nerdy, bakes me cookies, she saves people (DR), she kills people (XBOX), prays for me, sexy, and although she doesnt have kids yet, they will be cute because she’s Asain.

We had had plans to meet up before but they fell through when I was asked to cover the medicine service that same day and I knew I wouldn’t get away until late (typically a 12-14hr day when I’m covering inpatient medicine).

Then this new man… I don’t know. Perhaps he wants nothing more than friendship and part of me is fine with that. It is definitely WAY too early to be making any decisions beyond getting to know him better but I continue to like what I do know and find myself feeling more and more like a fly to honey. He’s actually the inspiration behind my posting- because something we talked about reminded me about some of my old posts. I wanted to send him one of them where God had truly worked on helping me move beyond my stage of just feeling so horrendously ugly.

I don’t think anyone has ever truly known or understood just how much I have felt truly as if I were an unwanted, mockable monster. One to be shamed and overlooked. One not worthy of love. I really do think that’s why I did so much with the guys in my past (can I truly say I’m still waiting for marriage when often I feel like I’ve done everything but that one single act?)- because it felt at the time like they were validating that I’m not ugly.

I can still remember the looks one of them gave me on our first date… I have never felt so adored before then or since him. A man who didn’t believe there is a God, but so full of charity, generosity, kindness, and FUN! We laughed so much while exploring this beautiful world God created (hiking many different trails), similar humor, and he was just so very smart in non-traditional things like archery, mountain climbing, and building.

But God doesn’t want me to seek a man for validation; I will NEVER be fulfilled in looking to a human for such. I think it’s a big part of why, even when I had about 3-4 guys all talking to me at once for a while, I just couldn’t really seem to want to push beyond friendship with any of them. Even now, I just can’t seem to want to push for anything more with any of them. Part of it at this point is because this new guy truly has me so intrigued. Maybe he sees me as nothing more than a new friend, I won’t cry over spilled milk when there are other guys showing interest, but part of me feels like I want to keep getting to know him. To keep him in my life since he makes me laugh so much and, to be honest, I find his pictures (and we accidentally videochatted the other day- long story) VERY attractive. But it goes beyond just because I think he looks hot- I’ve been slipping spiritually and even already we’ve both starting hold each other accountable to morning prayer. We can talk about God easily while also making each other laugh about silly things like grumpy cat. When I had to deal with a HORRIBLE patient the other day, I sent him a message asking him if he had a way to make me laugh. He immediately responded with the perfect thing!

It may end up as nothing, I hope it at least ends up with a solid friendship.

So what to do in the mean time? Just live. I’m going to get on that plane in a few hours and hold my sweet nephew in my arms soon enough and just breathe. I will choose to praise Him when I’m confused. I will choose to worship Him while things swirl. I will choose to lift up the name of Jesus in this time of contemplation.

Rebekah M.

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