As I sit in my flight back from California, I think of last night as the new guy and I said goodnight.
It has been so long since I’ve been on a date. It has been so long since I’ve had a man look at me the way he did. It has felt like an eternity since my heart has felt like maybe I could hope.
The last guy did such a number on me. The compilation of men in my life continued to wear me down until the last one just broke me. To ask both my father and my pastor for the right to date me, tell me he loved me multiple times even when I confessed my biggest mistake, but then sneak around behind my back and secretly entertain multiple other women while he knew I was being exclusive for him broke me.
As we said goodbye I couldn’t do anything but pray for him as we held hands over his heart. As I prayed I asked God to break things off if it was not His Will we be together but if so, to show this man his blueprints and give him strength and wisdom to go about building the foundation for us.
During the prayer though I poured out my heart in terms of asking God to help me believe that He could have good things for me because so often I feel I am a dog in His house. It wasn’t until I said those words that I felt the deep truth of it.
I feel like an imposter. Not a Child of the King, but a dog. Unwanted, mangy scrap. I am obedient and follow His rules so by principal He lives up to the promises set forth in His Word when we live by them but I have not felt in such a very long time like His beloved child.
I know He saved me from many bad situations with guys; sadly the vast majority of them being guys in the church. I know I should be happy and grateful for it but so often I just feel ugly, unwanted, unworthy, unnoticed, unprotected.
But this man… He looks at me with a very similar look that the guy who wasn’t in church did. His patience with me on our hikes even though he’s much more fit is sweet. His simple “you’re worth it” when I thanked him for driving 75 mins each way to come get me to drive another 60 mins to hang out in the biggest local city rang with a sincerity that still brings tears to my eyes as I type this.
I so deeply want to hope but I’m not fully ready yet. I need him to be steady with his attention. To pace himself with me because too often guys have flown into my life and just as quickly disappeared.
In the mean time, I seek to learn to feel different with regards to God. To learn to take my place as His child. To take up the crown He’s given me and use it to make a positive difference in this world.
Learning to be His Child,