My dad was diagnosed with cancer last week.
They told me last night and my mind has been swirling ever since. I can’t imagine my life without my parents. It has felt as if the tears would never end at times. It has felt at moments like I wouldn’t be able to breathe.
I cannot begin to explain to you just how frustrating it is to be a doctor but know I’m not the right kind of doctor to fully comprehend what my dad’s prognosis is. There are SO many factors that play into it and yet I feel God beckon me to stop looking at the “5 year survival rates” and stop trying to analyze what are his chances to make it to 70. I feel Him say to me to trust in Him.
For anyone who might have been with us in the beginning back in 2012, I started this blog and invited my friends to join me because I went through a horrible break up with my first boyfriend. I felt my world shatter at that time since I had stayed away from boys much of my life and finally, finally when I let one in he tore my heart to shreds. But God told me in that time that I could either keep crying/fearing/doubting or I could get up and worship Him. Choose to worship- the ultimate form of showing trust in the worst of times. Now, it is my world feeling as if it could splinter again, but this time I feel God assuring me “I have you all.”
That assurance in the time of storm is priceless. He truly can give peace that passes understanding. I oscillate between crying and laughter. Emotions raw at the surface. But every time the balance starts tipping towards hysteria or worry, I feel Him pull me back- my lifeline. I had a panic attack last night… I could not stop the ever increasing breaths that just wouldn’t stop their accelerated pace. At one point I thought I would never be able to breathe normal again and then I felt God whisper to me “I have you” and suddenly there was a huge release and I could breathe again. He reached down and pulled me up from the sea of fear that I was drowning in.
Most amazing of all to me? My parents. I was talking to my mom since God has opened the door for me to be home while dad’s having the surgery and their big concern in all this was? The three chinese ministries they’re involved with and what would happen while dad is recovering from major surgery. They were thankful to God that each will be on a break at the same time (unintended to be coincidental) and pointed out His hand in all of it.
What amazing people.
I can only hope to have that heart for God like my parents have one day. To look horrible situations in the eye and instead worry about His kingdom. But while I am still learning; while I am still growing in Him, I will choose to worship my way through this situation. I will choose to worship my way out of the tears and fear.
I choose to worship Jesus.