I recently admitted to a colleague that I feel like I have nothing left in me to give.
I feel like often you give and give and give and you just get patients hating you b/c you won’t give them the pain medication they want to destroy their lives or the heparin drip they insist on b/c they “just know” they have a clot (when they don’t and actually their blood is too thin).
They insult you, calling you honey as if you don’t know anything (while they, who have two master’s degrees NOT IN MEDICINE clearly know better).
They refuse to leave the office when you won’t give them the pain medication your fellow resident stopped previously and they let their dogs pee all over your office.
They abuse your staff, telling them to “F-off!” if they don’t get exactly what they asked for.
They won’t take their advair but they want their oxycodone every month exactly at the end of the month without fail.
And sometimes, when they finally do listen and make changes, it’s too late and they die.
Sometimes I just can’t see where else out of my soul they can rip out of me b/c it just feels like it’s already gone. . . I am beyond frustrated with this culture that makes being too obese to breathe an actual working diagnosis on a patient we had that died (gained over 100lbs in less than 6 months binge eating thousands of calories nightly on top of high caloric intake during the day).
A society that has taught our patients to expect that their pain can and should be completely taken away with medication when sometimes pain is to PROTECT- don’t rip those stitches open, don’t walk on that broken leg that should be non-weight bearing.
And then I’m stuck with fellow, lower level doctors to supervise who openly admit that they didn’t bother to look up how to calculate something b/c they knew it would be faster to ask me instead of looking it up- IN FEBRUARY. (btw- a 30 second google brought me to an online calculator which did the same but didn’t have the burden of 18 patients to oversee).
How did we end up with such a lazy, broken, soul sucking society here in America where ingesting 9,000 salty fatty calories in half a day is a real possibility and landing in the ER with oxygen levels in the 50s (it should be AT LEAST high 80s) b/c you are now attempting to lift a large child’s amount of weight off your chest every breath is a real thing?
I don’t know how many readers we have left since we’ve been so MIA, but if any of you are out there reading this and have a verse to lift me up or a prayer to give, this broken, burnt out doctor would be grateful.