Empty

I am so thankful for parents (and thus a mother!) who love me very much. I am thankful for a God who sends messages through a prophet to my parents about me when I need it most. I am thankful for their and His love when I don’t deserve it.

But I have to say that to myself because I just don’t feel it. I am empty, broken, poured out with nothing left within me. I am not being successful at work like I should be. I am constantly plagued with feelings of inadequacy and worthlessness.

I have this God but He feels so far away at times- I know He’s reaching out, but why can’t I feel it? What is wrong with me that i cannot seem to reach back out to Him? I feel as if I am holding on by a thread that is breaking.

I recently was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. As I was diagnosing a patient with that last week, every answer she gave I responded in myself with a resounding “me too.”

I have been hiding this emptiness I feel within myself from almost everyone. I cannot do this anymore. I would never commit suicide since Toshi’s death was one of the hardest things I have ever had to come to terms with, but I am the walking dead.

I have been told I hide it well. I have been told no one would suspect since I am still bubbly and smiling while in public… but that is mainly because it takes every bit I have within me to do that then I go home, go to bed, and only leave when I know I would be discovered.

It feels as if I am running a marathon to shower, brush my teeth, or do any other number of normal activities of daily living. It feels so nice to only think of “this next bite, I can do that. I can handle that.” Thankfully I’m not gaining weight like crazy but mainly because I have a hard time going to the grocery store so it ends up being that I go only when my cabinets only have my unsweetened cocoa powder left essentially.

Part of me knows that God is my answer but I don’t even feel the energy within myself to pray or seek Him. I just want to lay in bed and wish that somehow, it will get better. That I will be home with my parents and the world will be right again.

That this void within me would stop overwhelming my every move.

Rebekah M.

 

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2 thoughts on “Empty

  1. Oh Rebekah,

    I can’t tell you enough how often in the past I have felt like that. I do have depression and have for some time; and am taking medication for it.

    I am not sure if I mentioned it, but I have been married for 31 years (this June 1st) and have 2 children aged 31 (this year), and 16. My wife and I got married when we were 19 – so quite young. The depression came when my older son was living at home and started going to college.
    We all know the saying, “As long as you live in our house, you live by our rules” which was mentioned several times by our parents (at least a lot of our generation at the time when I was growing up).

    We follow the same philosophy now. Is that a good thing? I don’t know. But when you have a son who doesn’t mind you and is rebellious throughout high school and into college, it is hard to try to be a parent. Granted, there are no books on how to be a parent (well there are, but they are all reactive in nature) – Essentially, parents do not come prepared with a guidebook on children and how to raise them.

    Our older son moved out when he was 18 and did some foolish things (as I did when I was younger) and ended up not graduating college – even though he went for 3 years. Then left and moved down south. He eventually married and is happy. We do talk with each other during holidays and other times, but have only seen him once – when he married 7 years ago.

    Our younger son has had a lot of problems. The very best time I had with him was when he joined Cub Scouts. I became the Cubmaster shortly after and for 5 years we did a lot of things together within our Pack, including hiking, camping and other indoor/outdoor activities. He started really being different when he would run around the tables during meetings and become disruptive and such during our last year before he was supposed to crossover into Boy Scouts at the age of 11.
    A lot of things had changed; he was quite unruly and unmanageable. It had gotten worse as the time went on. He had been in and out of facilities for unmanageable individuals. He had also been in and out of our custody several times during the past few years. He is now in full State custody again due to a final straw being drawn when my wife had taken him somewhere and he wanted something at the store (candy), which my wife said no and then he slugged her in the eye while she was driving. He has hit us before and damaged a lot of physical property in the past. This was the reason for state custody – all in the name of keeping us and him safe. (This is only the short story version)
    We have been faced with challenges of getting him tested for various disorders. At one time he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, another ADHD and ADD, another Asperger’s Syndrome, etc. He would refuse to go to the doctors, and some just refused to see him after a while for therapy. Now, at 16 we go see him every other weekend (1 ½ hours away in NH), and he comes home every other Monday afternoon for family therapy (as if we haven’t been through that enough already). Although, knowing that it is not a single person in a family whose fault it is – it’s all of our responsibility to know how to act and react as well as how to listen, etc. to each other.

    Recently this weekend he was able to come on a home visit for 4 hours – it went really well and this will happen every opposite weekend when we don’t go down to see him – he is transported up to see us.

    His main issues are that he is full of anger. He has no remorse for the things that he has done, and when he does things in the community his constant response (as if it is a good thing what he did),”at least he didn’t kill someone” (Not sure why he says that, but surmise that he thinks that what he does is much better than the other. He has very little emotions and has always had a flat affect.

    My apologies, I am not trying to write a book, nut trying to summarize as much as possible so that you will understand.

    Basically, things are getting better, but he will probably remain in State custody until 18, as he does not feel he can be home with us full time due to his anger issues and not being able to control himself. The place he is at now is for boys with anger issues.

    Soo…as you can already surmise, we have had quite a time with him.

    Oh by the way, our older son said his first words at 6 months. Our youngest son, said his first words AND sentence at 3 months old (yes, you read this correctly). His first words/sentence was “I love you da da”

    A little background…

    Growing up, I was always made to go to church. We were Catholic and if you know anything about the Catholic religion, we had to go weekly as well as Holy Days of Obligation, etc. I went to Catechism (Sunday school) and during my high school years, I was involved with our local Youth Ministry Group.

    Let’s back up a bit…

    I had gone to Camp Holy Cross when I was 9-11 years old as a camper (in Mallets Bay, VT), and was a C.I.T. (Counselor in Training) the following year when I turned 12. At 13, I became the camp’s youngest counselor. I would be in charge of the 6-8 year olds. I ran an archery activity, as well as other activities. Do you what I kept thinking about during that summer? How I wish I could have a boy of my own. At 13 years of age I wanted a son so bad. Can you believe that? I don’t know what came over me. When I was involved with the 12 campers in our cabin, I saw how they were acting, how they had been treated (most of the campers were sent to camp because they had caused some problems at home and needed a place to be for the summer, as I had been)

    The interaction between them and I was so real and genuine, you could see that they looked up to me – and I almost idolized them for being who they were.

    I can remember crying myself to sleep (out of sight and earshot of the campers of course) and praying for a son – and I did not have a girlfriend or anything!

    So now you’ve heard everything, right? Not quite. I could write a book – and probably should.
    Fast forward…

    At the time during my high school years, and while I was in our Youth Ministry Group, I had been interacting with the priests and those who were in the Seminary. I really felt like I wanted to become a priest. I wanted to be a priest for the longest time – even just before my time at Camp Holy Cross.
    I have always wanted to live up to my name – Timothy.

    My parents were French, but growing up in Vermont I enjoyed it. My parents were going to call me Christopher – but in French (Canadian French), someone saying “little Chris” was considered blasphemy. “Petit Chris” – so my parents changed my name to Timothy (after one of my mother’s Nun’s in Catholic School where she went).

    Since that time, I have been trying to live up to my name (meaning “To Honor God”).

    I remember as a child going to church I would go downstairs in our basement and ‘play’ church. I would be the priest and my sister (younger than I by 4 years – she had passed away due to a brain tumor at the age of 13) would be a parishioner. I had memorized the text and words spoken during Church and had done that every week at home. I don’t know anyone who used to play ‘Church’ when they were younger.

    To this very day, I can still remember the entire Catholic Mass from beginning to end – including a sermon in between which I would make up.

    Rebekah, to this very day, I feel like I should have become a priest and have always felt a sense of guilt.. However, something happened. I fell in love and had a son (at the age of 19).

    I did not become a priest, no matter how bad I wanted and thought I should be. When our younger son started in Cub Scouts, we changed over to the Congregational Church, as it is the sponsoring place of the Pack we were a member of and thought that it would help with more church involvement during the Scouting years.

    When my wife and I were 19, we would go to church, but as time wore on, less and less, due to her sand my job at the time. She worked as an R.N. in a nursing home and I as a retail store manager for the F. W. Woolworth Company. There were long hours in both of our schedules – including Sundays – The Lord’s Day.

    I continually use my name’s meaning as my ‘push’ for God to want me to do something through his Love and Grace. I look for other ways in which I can speak to people and talk about God in my everyday life. Sometimes, it is just a simple conversation, and then someone will ask a question in which I can back up with God’s message for the specific situation.

    I feel that I have been given the opportunities and have gone through the situations I have gone through so that I could be stronger for rough patches of road ahead, as we all are.

    I don’t think that my sense of guilt will ever go away, and am continually praying for God to show me the way through signs.

    I truly believe that we were all put on earth for a reason.

    The struggles you are going through right now are not unique to anyone – and some an everyday occurrence.

    I truly feel your pain and can empathize with you. God is with you always, please know this.

    I ask for signs all the time asking if I am on the right path. I am a sinner, and I know this. I believe and always have. I don’t ask to see to believe – I always believe in Him and his love. It might be hard to know what God wants for us at times. Know this, no matter what path we take, we will end up where we are supposed to. Sometimes, it might take a little longer to get where God wants us to be, but depending upon what choices we make (as we all have free will), will enable us to right the path we need to be on.

    It is through God’s grace that we wake up each and every day. Is it in God’s grace that life’s not fair due to the death of good people? Is life not ‘fair’ that we might believe, but suffer the most?

    Recently I have been watching Morgan Freeman’s Television series The Story of God on the National Geographic Channel (http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/the-story-of-god-with-morgan-freeman/). It is a most thought provoking series in which different aspects of life are discussed and researched. I urge you to view this if you have not already.

    Rebekah, the pain and depression you are going through exudes within you, but not toward others. We can put on a false façade and others may not know it – not that you are being selfish, but don’t want to hurt the ones you love or care for – or even your local community in bothering them with your ‘problems’.

    I find that through you and the other Rebekah’s on your blog within the posts I read, have brought me closer to God, and thus has increased my faith.

    Let me speak a little about your post.

    May I ask how you feel unsuccessful at work? What makes you have feelings of “inadequacy and worthlessness”?

    You need to take each day as it comes and let God be your guiding light. Isn’t waking up each and every day a miracle from God himself? When experience the death of a loved one, does not that feeling of life not being fair help us to layer ourselves with the thoughts and feelings we go through to allow us to be able to handle the next thing that comes along which might be a greater shock?
    I want to bring you up on your feet, so that God’s love and grace shine brightly on you. It is experiences that we have with one another, that help us not only ‘get through’ life, but enable us to experience with emotion God’s greatest gift for us – and that is life.

    Rebekah, I have poured my soul out to you today, because you have allowed me to do this though your post. I feel like I want to do something but don’t know what. Maybe my words will do something – and I won’t ever know it. Isn’t that the beauty of relationships – near or far?
    This is extremely important. Each and every person we interact with on a daily, weekly, monthly or annual basis experiences our thoughts and feelings when we express them – we all help each other – not knowingly.

    I know that you are a beautiful person. How can I know this without ever having seen or spoken to you? I know this because God created ‘man’ in His own image. What about that would not be beautiful?

    You have poured out YOUR heart to ME through your words unknowingly. That is important. We are a part of each other because we are all a part of God.

    Over the last 15 years, I have tried to look at every situation that happens as within the ‘big picture’ – which is how God view the world. We may never understand why bad things happen to good people, or why good things happen to bad people. All I know is, if you look at how the world interacts with one another, there is a much greater picture that God is painting – that we may never see.

    If we look at our struggles, our ups and downs, our happy and sad times, our successes and non-successes, our thoughts and feelings at different times – all have one thing in common. God never gives us anything we can’t handle, and our experiences prepare us to handle other situations that happen in our lives that we might not otherwise be able to.

    Rebekah, I love you through Christ, and I always will. Together we can encourage each other through our words; through Him.

    When your heart breaks, so does mine. When you are happy, I am too. Keep up your writing and your expressions of your thoughts and feelings. Together we can handle any situation.

    There is something else. I have done a lot of things in my life that I have not been proud of, and are very sorry for. Again, I am a sinner and I know this. I feel a lot of times that when I repeat my sins, I am not truly sorry – but I am. Unfortunately, actions do speak louder than words. When the time of the apocalypse happens, no matter how much I pray now, I will probably be one of the ones ‘left behind’. I feel that I should be. I feel unworthy of God’s love sometimes, and my constant guilt of not doing what I thought I should have done with my life at the time (become a priest), fuels my feelings of this.

    When I say this next thing, do not think I do not believe – because I DO truly believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God and in God the Father as One.

    I have never told this to anyone – not even my wife, but I think a lot of times, that because of the ‘big picture’ thinking I have, I should have to repent greatly for my transgressions in life, and have asked God to allow Satan to continue to tempt me so that I may grow stronger. The stronger I grow and refuse the devil, the better I will be able to handle what comes at the end of the world. I feel that I should be one of the ones to help others come to Christ in the end. That is my punishment for the thing that I have done in my life.

    I want you to know that I will continue to love and cherish God until the end and into the next world, where I hope to be able live with God as he wants us to for 1,000 years.

    I only hope that my words to you will help you understand where I am coming from, and how much God really does love each and every one of us. Continue to pray. Look for signs and everyday miracles – the blooming of a flower, the raindrops, the clouds in the sky, the friendships you have gained, the people you love, the sun in the sky during the day, and the moon at night, the infinite number of stars in the sky, and know that you are still loved throughout by each and every one of us and God’s grace does shine on you Rebekah.

    Amen. I say to you. Amen.

  2. wow… I can’t even begin to tell you how much I see Gods timing in all this (the theme of my post from today!) I have not been back to the blog since I wrote this post back in May and am just now seeing your response.. but I was not ready for your words until today. God spoke to me at ladies prayer and started the healing process that I was pushing away for so long. THANK YOU for your words! He never ceases to amaze me with His timing 🙂 I will be praying for you and your family – you remind me of one of my patients who also had a son in an RTF and I knew- I KNEW she did everything she could to help him but nothing was helping. She believed in God as well- we talked about using Psalms to help her during her anxiety attacks along with medications. I know that you are right- that I need to learn to hold on to one of my favorite verses again I Cor 10:13- there is always a way of escape. I believe that He is faithful! Thank you for letting God speak through you- even if it took months to be the right time for me to see 🙂 God bless you my fellow brother in Christ 🙂

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