Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost. ~ Romans 15:13
I am about to embark on a trip to China tomorrow to help an international adoption agency as one of their volunteer physicians helping to convert mandarin medical files into ones prospective American families might understand in hopes of getting these children to the right, loving families. I leave knowing it is 100% His Will that I do so. When I come back, I start a new job that is so full of so much promise.
When I think back on this year, I think of how so much of my year was marked by such darkness. Such deep pain and fear that everything would fall apart because… the only way I can explain it is my soul was feeling ripped to shreds. I myself was not ever physically hurt but something in me broke. Deep within me, at the center of my being, I was shredded by continued feelings of worthlessness, fear of the future, and a strong sense that nothing good would/could happen to me. Not because God couldn’t do it, but because I wasn’t worth God’s doing good things for me. I hadn’t committed huge sins- no drugs/sex/etc but somehow it got in my head that I was hopeless and that even God did not want to help me.
I cannot tell you how everything turned around other than “because my God is good” for how I am now living the life I lead. Everything FELL into place. I am about to leave for China tomorrow and when I return, I start a new job with incredibly supportive staff and colleagues. This is a dream job for me- incredible pay, incredible location (I am living with a 5 mile radius of work, church, and my brother and his family), and the hours are supposed to be something where I can participate in life/church.
This past summer God gave me the ability to take time off and spend it with my parents. I was able to hear my dad laugh, watch my mom cook, feel their hugs that reached all the way down. Then I moved and have spent a nice month just settling in.
Every day this month I have woken up feeling like I was living a dream. I kept wondering when I was going to wake up and find out I was still back where I had been… but that is not reality and I’m now accepting it more and more.
I was suicidal. I wanted to die. I did not make plans but I wished for death EVERY DAY for a while… yet something in me reached out to God. I procrastinated because I feared the future and yet God STILL brought it to pass. In my darkest hours, God sent that same prophet that I have spoken of in past posts to remind me that good things were about to happen. It felt so much as times that I was beyond hope and yet what tiny sliver of hope I did have in me, I used to reach out to this God of Hope. He has proven that He is over the last few months. When I could not keep going, God helped me by doing it all. I felt I was moving a snails pace in things but they still came together. God is so good. I cannot say it enough, He is SO good.
The ONLY thing that can stop us from the future God has for us is ourselves- in allowing fear to stop us from doing the things we know He wants for us to do that day. I am living proof that God provides everything we need (Matt 6:25-34); that He gives us the desires of our heart (Ps 37:4) – I didn’t say God give me x,y,z- I asked that He help give me His desires for my heart. I implore you today, if you are in a desperate situation, use what ever sliver of hope you have in you to reach out to Jesus, our God of Hope, and find Him more than able to give us above and beyond all that we could ask or think- for I am living proof of it.
So thankful for this abundant life in Him,