Doing It All Wrong

For months I have been dating an amazing man. He has made me a better person; but he is now burnt out from all my fears and insecurities.

I love him and I am broken at the thought that he said he is bored with me and (it feels like) he is  ready to call it quits.

I do not know how to move forward from here. From the time he pulled back A LOT up until now, I’ve been acting out in fear. We had a pretty good weekend together and I ruined the good that was starting up again by asking him if he was “still in this with me.”

His actions said yes, but part of me needed to hear that he was- and it pushed him more away.

I’ve had to take my fears to God and you know what? It should have been there this whole time. God reminded me of when He called a prophet to tell my parents when I was dating a guy not in church- the prophet knew NOTHING about me other than I was my parent’s daughter and yet knew so much that he was never told. So if He could do that, why have I been so worried about this guy walking away from me?

Because he’s been my rock for months now. I have been through hell and back and he stood behind me, holding me up- but he’s so tired now. My love wore himself out trying to be what I needed because both of us should have been going to the Source of all Strength together instead- but we didn’t. I leaned on him and he was eaten up.

I’m going to the King now.

I need Jesus to finally have His full, rightful place between us. We were much better when we were reading the bible together- excitedly seeing things that we’d never seen in the Word before- together. But that fell away.

What if he does walk away?

I will always love and respect him for that time we shared when it was good, but I know that God has me. Each guy I’ve dated has been of better quality- this man being tops so far. Even with his pulling back- he’s not evil for doing so, he’s just uncertain if he thinks I should play a permanent role in his life. He has a right to wonder.

I just truly believe that we can have that chemistry of laughter and humor that he is longing for- just not when his words have made me try to artificially be funny. I’m trying too hard and it’s showing. I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know that if he walks- he has a right to and I just need to be thankful for the times we did share.

In the mean time, he’s voiced things that I know need prayer and fasting so if you readers could- take a moment (or more!) to please pray for this precious man and myself.

Jesus,

I’m sorry for putting this man first for a time. It ruined our relationship. I don’t know how to find the way back (if that’s even possible) but You know what’s best for both of us. Hold us in Your arms now Jesus and just fix what should be fixed and allow to break what needs to break. Mold me and make me better- whether for this relationship or another. I truly, finally, accept and trust that You can manage even my romantic relationships. I’m so sorry for my doubt. I’m so sorry for placing him above You for a bit. I’m so thankful You’re always right there for me, waiting.

In Him,

Rebekah M.

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