I broke up with the latest guy last night. He went from THE most incredible, loving, sweet, attentive, amazing man I had ever dated to just this COLD, MEAN, RUDE man. I had never thought the man who was a youth pastor, right hand to his pastor, and pillar of his church district would be the same man to voice “Don’t you get it?! Haven’t you been listening?! I told you WEEKS AGO, every time you tell me a story about God I believe less! You haven’t been listening to me for WEEKS NOW. I tried to break up with you weeks ago and you weren’t listening then and it seems like you’re only FINALLY listening to me now!”

Three weeks ago I begged him- if he wasn’t into us, if he truly did not enjoy talking to me then we should see other people. I told him that he deserved to be with a woman he liked to talk to and I deserved to be with a man who loved me and loved to hear from me. So I gave him a choice- we could try for two more weeks or we could break up. His response: “I don’t enjoy talking to you and I can’t see that changing.” I did not interpret that as “Ok, let’s break up.” I did interpret him agreeing to two more weeks as an “ok, let’s try, I’ll be busy with this BIG thing, but let’s give it a little more time to see if we can get along better.”

His words broke my heart.

I loved him more deeply than any man before him. I respected him more highly than all who came before. He could do no wrong in my book at first… and then even when things started to put chinks in his armor – I still believed his core self to be one who would either call things off honorably, or continue getting to know each other. Why he chose this destructive, mean, horrible way of breaking up is SO confusing and unlike who I believed him to be- but everything he said last night made me think I never knew him. That he was never the Godly, sweet, loving, amazing man that I believed him to be. A selfless, loving man would never had said what he said to me.

So what have I learned?

Ex #1 – I deserve better than verbal and emotionally abusive treatment

Ex #2 – some guys only want to date for a time of adventure but just short term

unofficial Ex#3 – if they don’t believe in God, don’t even entertain the thought or God might even send a prophet from Taiwan to tell your praying parents LOL (see my “the visions” series from 2012)

official Ex #3 – just because he begs for a chance to date you doesn’t mean he’ll follow through on his words

Ex #4 – they may look spiritual and sold out for the kingdom, but by their fruits you shall know them

I grew though. I grew SO much from this last relationship- Ex #3 and I restarted my prayer life, Ex #4 helped me be more consistent with my bible reading and dug into my major insecurity issues. If God can provide so much, why have I had such major doubts He could provide a husband in His timing? because I have felt so ugly, unwanted, unlovable, and at times even felt physically disgusting to myself.

But God loves me in a way that covers it all. I do have beauty- beauty that the RIGHT man will see. One who will be just as happy and enthused when I speak of the wonders of Christ. One who won’t get angry with me for saying “thank you Jesus” even for the green lights, but fall in love with me more. One who will be my ministry partner.

Finding hope in my new ashes,

Rebekah M.