As I sit here once again, heartbroken and once again out of another relationship where I had loved the man more deeply than anyone before him I have a few thoughts:
- I really need to get back into blogging – I’m thinking Mondays 5pm PST and I’m going to be going through Defined by the Kendrick brothers.
- I and my posts needs to be about more than just men- I am SO much more than having a worth attached to if a man calls me “his”
- Each of us have a different journey on love – mine feels SO long and protracted. Why am I about to turn 35 and yet again, I’m STILL single, my eggs are just dying more and more every day, and my dreams of having a loving husband and kids feels farther and less possible every day… and yet…
- I needn’t loose hope
This last man- he was SO much younger than the rest but he was the most kind, respectful, sweet, and loving of them all. When I had to completely overturn my apartment due to bed bugs he didn’t get angry or complain, he just helped me – for 10 hours and then offered to help again the next day if necessary.
When I was unsure about what next step to take- I’d often talk to him and he’d either offer decent advice or even tell me to chat with pastor when they were really big things.
In so much of our time together he ALWAYS pushed me to do things for ME and make sure that I wasn’t letting anyone or even him walk all over me.
I am a co-dependent. I accept that my usual default is to seek to please others to the detriment of myself. I have worked on this all year and this latest ex never let me be co-dependent with him.
I sit here in tears, knowing he did what was best for us, thankful for our times together where he helped make me stronger and better, and wishing so badly that he had just reached out with a little faith and decided to let me help him grow in faith as he’s helped me grow in personality.
See- why we broke up was because he didn’t feel he could lead me spiritually. He’s a decade younger and in that decade between us is SO much time that I spent deep in God’s inner throne. I am NOT special. But not only am I called- but I have been chosen.
Chosen not because I am special- but because I am willing- willing to give every last penny, every last minute, every last bit of me – my home, my car, my life – to Him.
My deepest desire is to see the saved lost. My deepest hope is to see as many come to heaven with me- saying “she did _______ and that’s part of why I’m here today.” And to me- there is nothing in this world that comes before that calling….. but I haven’t been living that as much as I have/should have this past year with this man.
Last year, I got pneumonia- twice. Six months of battling the worst sickness of my life- this man was a pillar of laughter, soup, cough syrup, and support. Then work got insane and even as I was grumpily battling doing notes for work- he would hum along next to me doing his work- happy to be with me.
How I have longed so badly for a man who would just be happy to be in the same space as me… and he was.
But I hid the side of me that was willing to go to church at 9AM every sunday to give bible studies before church, willing to use every available night for bible studies- if only to help others grow in Him and become more grounded so that the cares of this world don’t blow them away.
Partially because it was nice to “take a break” and just live, partially because I was afraid he would leave me- and he has.
But here and now- I freshly choose God. I chose God when I listened to the prophet sent to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?” 6 weeks ago and really took a big step back in the relationship to evaluate things. I chose God when I asked for 2 weeks of radio silence, knowing that any time we were apart his fears grow and he becomes more likely to break up with me but certain this is what God wanted. I chose God when I didn’t force him to tell me last night if he wanted to break up over text because I would rather trust that in God’s timing, all things will work out as He wills.
I cannot be with just anyone. I see it now- I MUST be with a man who is just as willing to let God have complete control over our finances, knowing that He is the God of a cattle of a thousand hills. A man who, even if not asked to do it, is willing to move at a moment’s notice from God if asked to. A man who loves me more and more every day as we pray together and tear things down in the spirit together – knowing our every day’s battles are only won in Him. He doesn’t have to be there today, but the place that starts is “I am committed to Christ.”
He couldn’t say that yet. My dad pointed out his engineering brain likely thinks he has to be near 100% when he really only needs to be as much as he can- even only 51% and God cam fill in the rest.
So readers, if there’s any of you left, choose you this day who you will serve. Stand with me and let’s serve Him together and encourage each other to seek Him first always and above even our deepest desire.
And before anyone thinks I have negative thoughts on this last ex- I love him. We only broke up today so the love is still so fresh and so real. I will ALWAYS respect him for he was so kind, wonderful, and respectful of me. I honestly believe that he has it in him to be my husband… but only if he desires God above everything else in this world. And since he himself said he does not know if he can – at least for now – he cannot be the one.
But I have hope- hope that even if he never comes to that place, there will be someone. If God didn’t care about who I married He wouldn’t have stepped into my life via prophecy twice now to guide me in my relationships.
So newest ex- I don’t know if you’re reading this- but I love you and I truly wish the best for you. If you ever do decide you are committed to Him and know that for yourself- please come back to me.
In the mean time, whether it is this past man or another, I will continue on in this season of singleness knowing that God is my savoir and my one true love. Ready and willing to be the chosen- for I have chosen to give Him everything- every last bit of me.
Broken in Him,