Begging for Love

Years ago with my second boyfriend as he was breaking up with me, I begged him to give “us” a chance. I begged and begged until he finally agreed but then he changed his mind again after tearful kisses.

I promised myself to never again beg for love.

I’m so grateful that guy and I didn’t work out- he’s clearly not in church anymore.

This latest guy, as we were breaking up I told him I wouldn’t beg for love and honestly, I think if I had, it would have turned him off.

He was so good for me. Helping encourage in me a strength I never knew.

I was suicidal with the last break up and this time around all I can do is wish he would have reached out in faith saying “yes, I too want to give God all.” But I have no thoughts like that. I have no wish to die- instead I dream of a life filled with love and adventure- +/- a man at my side.

The crazier part is I truly don’t know if this latest ex is or is not in a place of full submission to Christ. I think he thought I wanted him to become a spiritual powerhouse in the 2 weeks apart when I just needed him to be willing to say, and mean, that he had and wanted to give God everything- every last bit, just like I have.

My dad pointed out to me though, that his engineering mind likely needed to say it with 100% certainty that he won’t go back on it. God just needs us to try- failing when trying to do this is ok. We get back up and try again. He LOVES when we fall in trying something like this as babies first learning to walk.

So he walked away because of his identituncertainty.

So I wrote him an email I and my friends are praying about on timing. If he is never to come back to me, I’m not sure God will ever let me send it. I know him to be a man so capable of everything and I know he can lead me spiritually- if only he’s willing to give God all but I think he let himself and the enemy convince him otherwise.

I didn’t beg, but I did tell him in the end:

You + Jesus = more than I ever dreamed of

Lord:

I see now going forward that although this man was EVERYTHING I dreamed of in a man- this one thing I am unsure we were on the same page on. He still has my heart God, if You could help him see all that You have for those who give themselves over to you, please bring him back to me. But, if he never will, please raise up my future husband to meet me in your timing. Help me do Your Will in the end and walk in full submission to you.

In Him,

Rebekah M

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