Reflections

This guy and my dad are SO much alike that today my dad made me realize he probably misunderstood SO much of things. I am SO full of regret on not expressing myself better- he knew I’m so bad at speaking up for myself that I fumbled and fumbled HARD in doing so.

A few things I haven’t disclosed well yet. Basically, this man is the KINDEST, most wonderful, amazing, man I have ever dated with SO many qualities of Christ and he doesn’t even realize he has. But a few weeks ago a minister texted me out of the blue and said the Holy Ghost wanted him to ask me “are you sure he’s the one?”

I told my pastor who said he already had been feeling in the spirit that there was something that just wasn’t right about the two of us. So I ended up asking man for 2 weeks apart to just pray and fast. The more I reflect on some of the things he said during our talk, the more I think

a) the problem was that God was a focus for me, but not MY central focus- I can’t speak for the guy and I wish he had understood I just needed to know what he was thinking and if he was willing to help me walk in that.

b) he went in with a decision to break up already- mainly b/c I think my poor wording made him think he HAD to choose between engagement or break up when I really needed to know was if he still wanted to be with me and for him to say he was committed to Christ- not a spiritual powerhouse, just committed to growing in Him as he has been doing. Sometimes I just need to hear things even if it’s already happening – kinda like “I love you” – nice to hear it even if their actions already say they do.

c) those two weeks apart transformed me. I went from “we better get engaged by the end of this year or I’m leaving him” to “I am not ready to be a wife.” I straight up told my pastor “I will never be able to be married if I don’t figure out how to be in a relationship but still keep God first, not the man.” (It’s part of why I’m starting the “Defined” series by the Kendrick brothers and any of you reading are welcome to join me at 5PM PST on Mondays).

d) I have let so many of my fears get in the way of just enjoying this relationship. If only he had gone into Thursday as my heart was- ready to just see what God had done in the two weeks … but he couldn’t hear my words.

e) He didn’t gets a heads up on the change- I just assumed he’d know that 2 weeks with God can transform my direction in a MAJOR way. But he’s still learning so much- he’s 10 years younger than me. I shouldn’t have assumed he’d know this about me when I’ve never shown him that God does this to me.

f) he doesn’t have to be 100% sure he can grow to where he thinks my future husband should be- just sure that he wants to emulate Christ as best as he can- and that’s more than enough.

So despite my hurt I’m ready to lay my heart bare: Yes. Yes he is the one whom my soul lovest. He is the one for me if he would just realize what his actions already show: that he is committed to Christ and he’s growing a little day by day.

I’m planning on sending him an email detailing things more soon so please pray.

Still broken but with eyes opened and heart bare:

Rebekah M.

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