I gave him a last letter. My previous letter was full of my fears- fears I should have given God and they drove this man away. This letter though- this is the letter that God creates through me when I emerge from a 2 week fast.
I wish so badly that my love had just understood that when I seek Him it doesn’t have to be a reflection of himself or a rejection of him- but that it can transform **ME** and my point of view.
I let my fears of dying old and without children push him to a timeline he couldn’t do. That wasn’t fair to him, but as God changed my timeline the enemy continually fed his fears and self doubt.
And so- my last letter was full of love and encouragement. I asked him quietly after he read it “I can’t help but wonder if you would have done what you did [break up with me] if you had known before our talk” “we’ll never know” but the look he gave me felt full of regret and broken dreams.
I can only love and honor this man, even if he never comes back to me. I can only hope and dream of a future with someone but only in God’s timing and at God’s pace.
Today’s preaching was on “Identity Theft” and that resonated SO much within me. I so deeply still hear that voice that tells me I’m ugly, worthless, and incapable and I push it down often but- it drove me to push him instead. But that is the enemy trying to steal our identity in Christ.
We are all born conquerors. We are all born with an inherent worth that is above all price and a strength that can come from Him. We are born worth the cost of Christ’s life- priceless beyond measure.
I knew that I STILL have self worth issues and that’s why I didn’t want to get married anymore, just date. That’s what my two week fast was about- God teaching me to give my fears to Him instead. But for this guy, it was too late. He stated he needed to figure out if he wanted to serve God for himself, by himself- how could I do anything besides honor that.
So I told him- “I have identity theft issues… and I think you do too. You don’t see yourself for who you truly are but I do. You are amazing and wonderful and SO capable.” He looked at me like he really wanted to believe those words SO badly. Oh my love, that you could ever doubt your worth hurts me to know. BUT- NEITHER of us can find our worth from each other’s words- they must come from a place grounded in Christ.
I believe we *could* have done this together, but his fears drove him to break us apart… but we can still make this journey separately and in time, God will either give me to another or bring him back into my life – more firmly safe from identity theft.
Sometimes we are still single because there are deep rooted issues that God needs to work out. Each boyfriend has been better than the rest because I learned my lessons and walked forward some more and I am back here with new things to work on within myself. I am SO grateful for my year with this man and I can only give him honor and praise him for how he was with me. Let us all work on protecting ourselves from identity theft by grounding who we are in who He knows we are.
Today’s verse for you and myself:
” I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Working on making my all grounded in Him,